It only took five minutes

It was with much anticipation that I sat down to the first Bledisloe of the season – hoping and praying that this year we would see something fresh from the Wallabies.

After all, Mick Byrne had now spent a lot of time with the squad and had stated in the media that the Wallabies skills were now on par with those of the All Blacks.

Michael Cheika had been having his own way for almost four years and had been off to the US to further his business studies (and learn new left field ways in which to get the edge). He had also bought some fresh faces into the squad.

The squad and its revered leaders and star players had also now been together for quite some time, which would certainly have given them time to gel and get their head around the Cheika game plan

I was hoping with all I had that this year would be the year when the Cheika master plan unveils itself and we start seeing a glimpse of what us long-suffering Wallabies fans can expect at next year’s World Cup. Unfortunately, it took only five minutes for me to realise that nothing had changed and that Cheika really – and I mean really – has no idea.

Bright start

Bernard Foley kicked the match off by sending the ball straight to Rieko Ioane and whether this was deliberate or just a lucky mistake I am not sure.

Marika Koriobete’s chased the kick very well and he drove Ioane about ten metres backwards before he managed to offload the ball to Jack Goodhue who hit it up and set up the breakdown.

Interestingly, Aaron Smith did not perform the usual contestable box kick from the base of the ruck, which the All Blacks usually prefer, because Israel Folau was lurking on the left wing.

Instead the ball was sent back to Beauden Barret who cleared the line in the traditional manner up to the All Blacks’ 22m line. So far, so good.

The first sequence

Tatafu Polota-Nau was immediately at the mark ready to throw. A quick five-man lineout was formed and the ball was delivered off the top, by Lukhan Tui, to Will Genia. Brodie Retallick only managed to get halfway into the air by the time Tui got the ball at the top. So far, so good.

This was about as good as it got for Australia. (Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images)

At this point I realised Bernard Foley was standing extraordinarily deep and wide, especially for an attacking lineout on the opposition 22m line. I also realised that, when Foley got the ball, David Pocock and Sekope Kepu were still running into position on the right hand side of the field.

Nonetheless, after a mile long pass which had to be made by Genia, to compensate for Foley’s positioning, a convoluted concoction of running lines ensued and the ball ended up with Israel Folau hitting the ball up in midfield.

He met Sam Cane and Ryan Crotty and no ground was made. At this point I started to worry. Why was Foley standing so deep on the opposition 22m line?

Why was Folau being used to hit the ball up full-frontal in midfield? Why were our forwards, who were deliberately standing the backline, not hitting the ball up?

From the midfield breakdown, Michael Hooper was then the first receiver immediately to the right hand side. He got the ball and did a switch with David Pocock who ran back into the ruck area to be tackled by Jack Goodhue and Cody Taylor.

Again, no ground was made.

At this point I started to get a bit more worried.

Kurtley Beale was standing right behind Hooper and did not call for the ball, even though Adam Coleman and Izack Rodda were standing as a pod, in space, on the far right hand side of the field. Why was Beale not scanning for space? Why was Hooper overriding Beale as first receiver?

Why was the play turned back inside on the opposition 22m line? And why had none of our ‘hard men’ hit the ball up yet to make some semblance of ground?

The ball was then shifted to Foley, who was standing deep and wide on the left hand side. As before, Genia’s pass took and age to get to him. Nothing new ensued here and the ball was passed to Folau, who was standing even further to the left, and he ran in between Kieran Read and Retallick.

He got chopped by Retallick and no ground was made. Now I was starting to really worry. Why the wide and deep positioning from the ruck and set piece – especially when attacking on the opposition 22m line?

This happened far too often. (Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

Why were the All Blacks being given an age to adjust and rush up in defence? And, what was most concerning, why did Folau flatly ignore Dane Haylett-Petty and Reece Hodge on his outside, where there was clear space and many metres to be made?

At this point, Foley, Hodge and Haylett-Petty secured the ruck and Beale just stood right behind it in no man’s land.

Genia again fired off an extraordinary long pass to Tom Roberston (as part of a three-man pod) and Kepu missed the cleanout (more on this later). No ground was made.

Now I was starting to get angry. Why the persistence with wide and deep positioning? Why was Beale not doing anything in his role as first receiver? Why were our weakest runners continually hitting the ball up?

At this point you could see the Wallabies starting to set up their 1-3-3-1 attacking structure, with Pocock on the far left hand side and Tui on the far right hand side. Now I was angry.

Why the hell are you trying to set up a 1-3-3-1 on the opposition 22m? Why are you not attacking? At least change it up with a 2-4-2 as most able minded teams do in opposition territory.

And why are the two most non-dynamic runners on the team standing out as the ‘wide receivers’?

Beale then became the first receiver on the left hand side of the breakdown. Again, he was standing deep and wide which meant the pass took an age to get to him.

He had a three-man pod of Rodda, Coleman and Hooper outside him, with Haylett-Petty hanging at the back of this pod.

All of a sudden, the pod of three scattered in all different directions and Beale passed the ball to Haylett-Petty who was met by Goodhue and Codie Taylor and got absolutely monstered.

Again, no ground was made.

Beale, Hooper, Coleman and Rodda tracked back to secure the ruck. At this stage I was starting to crush my quarter full beer can.

What was the point of trying to set up a 1-3-3-1 attacking structure if your three-man pod, which is supposed to provide the entire go forward, just splits like a bunch of marbles and leaves a winger to truck the ball up?

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Why were the Wallabies continually committing so many players to secure attacking rucks when they knew full well (I hope) that the All Blacks do not commit to rucks and just fan out in the defensive line instead?

At this point a predictable long, wide pass went out to Foley on the right hand side who again lobbed a very long pass to Polota-Nau, as part of a three-man pod with Robertson and Kepu.

Polota-Nau was met by Sam Cane and Joe Moody with time to spare.

Robertson drove an All Black player into no-man’s land and Kepu missed the clean out completely, which allowed Retallick to steal the ball.

At this point the clock was at about one minute, 20 seconds. I threw my beer can at the dog.

I didn’t even want to ask myself why our most experienced prop is habitually missing cleanouts and why there was no attacking creativity whatsoever in the opposition 22m.

Why the hell were the All Blacks being given an age to set up in defence so they could hit our one-out runners with two men?

The second sequence

The All Blacks then kicked down the touchline to the Wallabies 22m line, won the lineout and had two phases.

The ball popped out of a ruck, Pocock picked it up and set up a Wallabies breakdown. Beale, standing right behind the ruck, then called for the ball and booted it straight down the field to Beauden Barrett.

Luckily, Barrett kicked it straight back to Folau, who was then hit hard by Waisake Naholo on the left hand side of the field and a penalty advantage ensued.

At this point, Genia passed the ball straight to Rodda almost next to the breakdown as part of a three-man pod. He was met by three All Blacks forwards and no ground was made.

Beale was just hanging behind this pod looking lost. Finally, the ball was passed to Beale and there was reason for optimism – Haylett-Petty, Hodge and Foley were all standing outside him and better yet, Hooper was standing on the far right hand side as the ‘strike runner’.

Kepu and Robertson were also standing right next to him as hit up options. Beale did not even look up, he ran straight at the line and the ball got turned over. Thank god there was a penalty advantage.

At this point the dog had left because it could sense my RM Williams boots becoming very fidgety.

A disastrous evening. (Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

Why the hell would you kick the ball back to the opposition on a turnover ball on your 22m line? Isn’t the whole point of a turnover to spread the ball wide as quick as possible to counter attack and catch he defence off guard?

Why, on a penalty advantage on the opposition 22m line, would you not get the ball wide but instead kill off all attacking ability with a forward hit up right next to the ruck?

And why the hell was Beale even at first receiver and hitting the ball up – why did he not at least look at the options outside him? Why had he not demonstrated any vision or any brains whatsoever?

Start of the lineouts

Foley then took the penalty kick for touch and made all of 15 metres up to the All Blacks 22m line. Why were Hodge or Haylett-Petty not taking this kick to get closer to the line?

Hell, even Beale could’ve done better.

It took 17 seconds for the ball to be thrown in! By this time the All Blacks jumpers were waiting. The Wallabies had set up a five-man lineout with Robertson, as per script, delivering the call to the hooker and ball was thrown straight to Rodda at No. 2.

Poor Tui did all the lifting at the back and Hooper, who was lifting at the front, was there for decoration only. Rodda’s jump was woefully mistimed and Retallick caught the ball as if it was meant for him.

By this time I had opened up the whiskey. Why would you set up a five man lineout on the opposition 22m line and then throw at No. 2?

Why would you not even pretend to do a driving maul, or better yet, actually do one? Why would you not actually show some endeavour and attack off set piece in the opposition 22m area?

Why would you not even look to see where the opposition lineout jumpers are set up?

Are you really so gassed after four minutes of rugby that it takes you 17 seconds to get a lineout thrown in? Or are you just confused as to what to do?

And why the hell is Hooper lifting at the front of the lineout?

The All Blacks then cleared the ball back to the exact same spot for a Wallabies throw in.

This time the Wallabies used the same message relay system which took forever and the All Blacks jumpers were ready by the time the ball was thrown in. Instead of a five-man lineout though, the Wallabies opted for a four-man lineout of Rodda, Coleman, Tui and Robertson.

The same result ensued. There was not even a glance at the defensive jumpers.

At this point the match clock was on five minutes. I turned the TV off and took my bottle of whiskey elsewhere…