NRL season preview: Stockpile toilet paper for another Roosters apocalypse

Season 2020 sees the NRL advance in to a promising decade of progression, with the new Peter V’landys regime seeking to expand the game into exciting new markets as far west as Ipswich.

But despite this backdrop of dramatic reform, one vessel of oppressive torture will continue to engulf the competition with anguish for all but a hardy base of loyal supporters.

But while we can just unsubscribe from Paul Kent, what about the Roosters?

With no end in sight to the Tricolours’ string of premierships, is it even worth watching footy this year? Can opposing fans even dream of them returning to their glory days of scandal where they languished as low as fourth?

In good news, it’s not terminal for all those outside the Chook Pen, just pathetically grim.

There’s no doubt Easts could be hampered by the massive losses of Cooper Cronk, Latrell Mitchell and Tarn-Off. But besides this, their only other real susceptibility is complacency or coronavirus.

As you’ll see, there’s nothing much else for opposition fans to be excited about other than a viral pandemic, so the only chance for a reprieve is for everyone to begin licking handkerchiefs and high-fiving.

Fellow grand finalists Canberra will be aching to avenge their bitter rival, so they’ll be too preoccupied chasing Ben Cummins.

The Storm will again be intelligently led by Cameron Smith – the only footballer with the record of being older than Jesus and twice as hairy – but he’ll be working with a squad packing fewer sevens than a clock face.

Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images

This includes the loss of Brodie Croft, with the young halfback departing Melbourne to head north for the Broncos. And after finishing the year in reserve grade, he should feel right at home in their squad.

Brisbane may have endured an off-season of strict discipline, but unfortunately most of it was meted out by club officials in Indonesia.

Smartly, the club plans to recoup the lost rupiah hush money with a new bequest offer using donations from its dead fans – a move sure to flourish if Anthony Seibold’s spreadsheet-based attack delivers more grandstands full of stiffs.

Back in Sydney, there’s Canterbury, Cronulla, Souths, and heaps of other clubs that also have absolutely no chance of success, much like the Wests Tigers.

With the joint venture failing to exploit former Rooster Mitchell’s unique want to leave a winning club for less money, Michael Maguire has been left with a scarcity of attacking options. This is most apparent in the ruck, where the team has fewer hookers than a Hillsong bucks party.

The loss of Jacob Liddle and Robbie Farah is already painful enough for Tigers fans, so we won’t make a tired joke about finishing ninth. In light of the club legend’s departure leaving them short a once-jilted ex, let’s say they’ll be IX.

The Warriors are too committed to brand synergy with Vodafone by remaining unreliable across multiple regions, while the Panthers are overburdened by a meticulously multi-layered game plan, which is ‘give it to Bill Kikau’.

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Over at the Dragons, an encouraging display in the Nines has provided an early insight into the fortunes that lay ahead, with the performance reasserting Paul McGregor’s talent for producing teams that can compete for 18 minutes.

The Knights are bullish about delivering their fans some long-awaited silverware, even though it will be via paying Kalyn Ponga to play for the All Blacks. All things being equal, at least Adam O’Brien can blame Nathan Brown’s penis.

All that leaves to rely upon is the Titans, the Cowboys, and worse, a Parramatta side with a sniff of premiership hype, a prospect sure to place even greater strain on toilet paper supply.