Who were those masked men? With apologies to Bob Dylan

There was a burglary, or a bank heist at wet and windy Wellington on Sunday.

Bob Dylan recognised this in his cinematic song ‘Lily Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts’, from his magnificent album ‘Blood on the Tracks’; I suggest you listen to the song.

The scene is described in verse 1:

“The festival was over, the boys were all plannin’ for a fall
The cabaret was quiet except for the drillin’ in the wall
The curfew had been lifted and the gamblin’ wheel shut down
Anyone with any sense had already left town”

The festival is, of course, the various iterations of Super Rugby, this plague-affected year. The fall is the much anticipated drubbing of a rather thin looking Australian rugby union side.

The drilling referred to… well, who is doing that? Anyway, attention is best focused elsewhere and not diverted by some background noise. There is an execution of some convict ne’er do wells to enjoy.

Bare with me whilst his Bobness sets the scene further:

“He moved across the mirrored room, “Set it up for everyone,” he said
Then everyone commenced to do what they were doin’ before he turned their heads
Then he walked up to a stranger and he asked him with a grin
“Could you kindly tell me, friend, what time the show begins?”
Then he moved into the corner, face down like the Jack of Hearts
Backstage the girls were playin’ five-card stud by the stairs
Lily had two queens, she was hopin’ for a third to match her pair
Outside the streets were fillin’ up, the window was open wide
A gentle breeze was blowin’, you could feel it from inside
Lily called another bet and drew up the Jack of Hearts”

The gentle breeze mentioned is of course the charming Zephyr known to occasionally make itself known in Wellington the fair, a city known for its balmy climate and easy terrain.

(David Ramos – World Rugby/World Rugby via Getty Images)

The show referred to is the game of rugby to be played between a fairly seasoned team of hard and skilled New Zealanders and the aforementioned rabble of convicts and ex-convicts. But who is the Jack of Hearts, the man of mystery and who is Lily? But we move on.

“Big Jim was no one’s fool, he owned the town’s only diamond mine
He made his usual entrance lookin’ so dandy and so fine
With his bodyguards and silver cane and every hair in place
He took whatever he wanted to and he laid it all to waste
But his bodyguards and silver cane were no match for the Jack of Hearts
Rosemary combed her hair and took a carriage into town
She slipped in through the side door lookin’ like a queen without a crown
She fluttered her false eyelashes and whispered in his ear
“Sorry, darlin’, that I’m late,” but he didn’t seem to hear
He was starin’ into space over at the Jack of Hearts”

At this point in the movie, it will be noticed that Big Jim looks strikingly like that former Waikato scrum half, a certain Foster, now coach of some team or other. The only diamond mine is the endless seam of talent produced by this small nation that always punches so far and hard above its weight.

But now we also have a new player, Rosemary; who is she? She looks familiar. As you squint through your beer glass it becomes apparent. Rosemary is actually a former hard man of NZ rugby, known as Razor, a red and black knight of dark renown and in latter days a prince of Canterbury, or the Crusaders, if you prefer (a Knight Templar, perhaps?).

Sunday should be a splendid day for Big Jim. Rosemary has his back. This Jack of Hearts cove, though. Who is he? He looks familiar.

“I know I’ve seen that face before,” Big Jim was thinkin’ to himself
“Maybe down in Mexico or a picture up on somebody’s shelf”
But then the crowd began to stamp their feet and the house lights did dim
And in the darkness of the room there was only Jim and him
Starin’ at the butterfly who just drew the Jack of Hearts”

The scene is set – the game itself. Kick-off is near. His Bobness continues:

“The hangin’ judge came in unnoticed and was being wined and dined
The drillin’ in the wall kept up but no one seemed to pay it any mind”

What is that damned drilling? Never mind, onwards and upwards! The game begins. The hangin’ judge, as everyone knows is a sly reference to the dark prince, the referee, Paul Williams. He can be relied on to assist the brave New Zealanders in dispatching their recidivist foe.

“Rosemary started drinkin’ hard and seein’ her reflection in the knife
She was tired of the attention, tired of playin’ the role of Big Jim’s wife
She had done a lot of bad things, even once tried suicide
Was lookin’ to do just one good deed before she died
She was gazin’ to the future, riding on the Jack of Hearts”

Rosemary/Razor has an unenviable part, most surely.

“The backstage manager was pacing all around by his chair
“There’s something funny going on,” he said, “I can just feel it in the air”
He went to get the hangin’ judge, but the hangin’ judge was drunk
As the leading actor hurried by in the costume of a monk
There was no actor anywhere better than the Jack of Hearts”

What is this? The script says the All Blacks over the convict rabble by plenty. That is what we want. Bury the pantomime villains. But this is not what is unfolding. The ‘air’ referred to by the backstage manager is the unseasonal wind and dampness, so unexpected in Wellington.

It is half time/intermission and the lead is only 8-3. Never mind, act 2 will sort things out. Bury the baddies. Crush the convicts! Act 2 begins, it is tumultuous, it is eventful and it is gripping. But in the end it is 16 all and there is a sense of the game that got away. There has been a burglary! The Bobster saw it all:

“No one knew the circumstance but they say that it happened pretty quick
The door to the dressing room burst open and a cold revolver clicked
And Big Jim was standin’ there, ya couldn’t say surprised
Rosemary right beside him, steady in her eyes
She was with Big Jim but she was leanin’ to the Jack of Hearts
Two doors down the boys finally made it through the wall
And cleaned out the bank safe, it’s said that they got off with quite a haul
In the darkness by the riverbed they waited on the ground
For one more member who had business back in town”

Now it starts to become clear; that figure, the Jack of Hearts, he looks like another New Zealander. An inside job? Didn’t he once break Australian hearts when some former highwaymen, now incarcerated, who called themselves Brumbies after their former mounts were taken down by his proud men of the Waikato?

Sam Cane. (Photo by Kai Schwoerer/Getty Images)

The men who fought hardest against the British and who remained a heartland of resistance to the invaders. Is his name not Dave, the universal name, the everyman? Surely he must be a despicable traitor, yet that name, that persona, makes it hard to really hate him. Just ask Rosemary/Razor.

And the ‘boys’ referred to? They look rather like a somewhat unheralded Oz pack, typified by a drifter known as Phillips and a Badlands gunman known as LSL. But the movie rolls on and takes us to Herr Zimmerman’s last stanzas:

“The next day was hangin’ day, the sky was overcast and black
Big Jim lay covered up, killed by a penknife in the back
And Rosemary on the gallows, she didn’t even blink
The hangin’ judge was sober, he hadn’t had a drink
The only person on the scene missin’ was the Jack of Hearts
The cabaret was empty now, a sign said, “Closed for repair”
Lily had already taken all of the dye out of her hair
She was thinkin’ ’bout her father, who she very rarely saw
Thinkin’ ’bout Rosemary and thinkin’ about the law
But, most of all she was thinkin’ ’bout the Jack of Hearts”

Now it is clear. Lily is the New Zealand board, the scene has moved on to a disappointing campaign against the outlaws, who somehow have evaded the lynching they so richly deserved and Big Jim has paid the price; but so has Rosemary/Razor. The fickle board has moved on… Lily remains wondering how things might have worked out if only she had chosen the Jack of Hearts and not Big Jim.

And you thought Bob Dylan doesn’t love rugby? You missed his song/movie script about Michael Cheika, didn’t you? It is called ‘Black Diamond Bay’ from his Desire album. But there is a new one in the making, called ‘Hurricane’ – you just have to guess which coach, or player or match it applies to.