A hard chat with each NRL team’s most frustrating player

Okay. Grab a seat everyone.

Look, you know why you’re here. You’ve been nominated the most frustrating player for each of your respective clubs. Now I know some of you are looking around wondering why there aren’t more fringe first-graders here, but you all fit the bill of being potentially really good players if someone could straighten out a few things.

Well, today’s that day. Now to keep it really clear I’m going to use your full names, not nicknames. I’m not a referee, am I?

Right. We’ll do this alphabetical order by club. Let’s see…

Broncos
Yes, that’s you Anthony Milford. No, don’t go looking for Darius Boyd, he’s retired. Listen up. Four simple words for you: Run. With. The. Ball. Not so hard, is it? Now I want you to write that 50 times, then you can go.

Raiders
Hello Curtis Scott. Here’s a pencil. Can you draw a picture of a defensive line for me please? Okay, let me see. And why have you drawn one player way out in front? That’s you isn’t it? Try again and keep at it until you get yourself in a straight line with everyone else. Then you can work up to doing it in real life.

Bulldogs
Next! Listen up Dallin Watene-Zelezniak…you are a winger. Not a fullback. Not a centre. A winger. See these numbers? 2 and 5. You wear one of them and that’s it. And here’s the number for AJ Brimson’s sprint coach. Call him.

Sharks
Matt Moylan. Oh Moylan, Moylan, Moylan. Being the most talented kid in under-16s has got you so far but news flash for you mate. It’s not the under-16s and you’re not the only talented kid now. You need to work much, much harder or you can stretch your hamstrings on the plane to England.

(Brett Hemmings/Getty Images)

Titans
Righto. Taylor, Ash. You here? Look I know you’re coming off a pretty good season but now that your team has punted the other likely candidates they had to send someone. Keep doing what you’re doing, let Jamal Fogarty run the show and throw it to AJ Brimson. Oh, and give Kevin Proctor this “Friends Not Food” t-shirt for me. Thanks.

Sea Eagles
Thanks for coming Dylan Walker, and I’m not making any cracks about you because you’ll probably punch my lights out. Yes, we will keep it short. Now that Kieran Foran is back you can just run up and down the field as a centre. Better for everyone. Oh, you gotta go? Lawyer’s appointment? Sure.

Storm
The Storm have sent their captain, I see. Please Mr Smith, Cameron, if it’s not too much trouble, could you make a decision on your future? Thank you.

Knights
Mitchell Pearce, you look a pretty good first-grade halfback when you have a pretty good five-eighth outside you. Now you need to be able to play like a pretty good halfback even when you don’t have a pretty good five-eighth outside you. Too tricky? Okay, I’ll simplify it. Don’t drop your bundle.

Warriors
The Warriors have sent a new kid I see. Kane Evans. Uniform fitting okay? Nice. Hey, you’re a big lump of a lad. Why don’t you try running really hard at the other team? No, I mean every time. Not just once a game. Good luck to you over the ditch.

Cowboys
Great that you could join in via Zoom. Means you could send more than one rep. Let’s work through it one at a time. Scott Drinkwater – try to limit yourself to one brain snap a game.

Coen Hess – I can see you right now sitting on the edge not engaging. Try doing something other than that.

And Justin O’Neill, I want you try visualising that it’s 2016 and you’re an Origin and Australian-level centre. Latch on to that feeling and who knows, maybe some of it is still in there somewhere.

Eels
The Eels have sent you, Mitch Moses? Fair enough. Here’s a simple strategy for you. Stop arguing with the refs and concentrate on your own game.

(Photo by Matt King/Getty Images)

Panthers
It’s the Panthers’ turn now. Hello Tyrone May. You didn’t pick yourself to play centre in the big games instead of Brent Naden, so in some ways that wasn’t your fault. Hang on, I’m trying to find something constructive to say. This is really hard.

I mean you aren’t really a half or a centre or a second-rower. Oh dear. Maybe you should just sit there and work on your elbow strapping.

Rabbitohs
Step this way Dane Gagai. No, you can stop singing Yippee-yi-yi, thank you. Although that is what we need to talk about. You see, if you pretended you were playing for Queensland each time you played for the Rabbitohs, then you’d be an Origin-quality player even when you weren’t playing Origin. Maybe just chant “Queenslander” in your head. Silently please.

Dragons
Dragons, Dragons, Dragons. Oh dear. How did you choose? I mean I’m not surprised to see you here Corey Norman, but Ben Hunt might have been in with a shot. Or a Sims brother if you have any left at the club. Anyway. What we have here is a mismatch of expectations.

You’re paid like a star but play like, well, not a star. So just pay back 3/4 of your salary and then people will start to expect the kind of game we know you’ll produce. Problem solved.

Roosters
Right, time for the Roosters. Hello Mr Jared Waerea-Hargreaves. Please look at this diagram. Notice the two parts labeled ‘head’ and ‘body’. Point to the bit you are supposed to hit when you tackle. No. Try again. Sigh. Okay. Try again. That’s right. The body. Not the head. Can you say that? Body, not head. Well done.

Tigers
Lastly, the Wests Tigers. Not surprised to see you here, Joseph Leilua. The problem is, Joey…or is it BJ? I don’t know. The problem we’re confronted with is that you’re capable of absolutely anything on the footy field. I want you to try and just do half of absolutely anything. The good half. Not the bits that involve decapitation or the like.

Right gentlemen. I hope you’ve listened hard and maybe if things go well, we won’t need to have this little chat again at the end of next season.