The NRL dark alley all stars

I remember the one and only time on the footy field that I was genuinely terrified.

I was playing rugby union for my high school team and we were lining up against St Bernard’s College. They had a player who I’d only heard about in whispers and stories. His name was Ben Matulino.

He was playing the position opposite to myself. All week my friends were ripping me, telling me I was going to get my head smashed in, how he was the biggest hitter they had ever seen and that he loved the rough stuff.

All week I was genuinely packing it, being that I was roughly 75 kilos dripping wet and he tipped the scales closer to 100 kilos.

I’ve never approached a game with that much fear. Somehow I survived with only a few big shots and surprisingly no injuries.

However, I still remember the smile on his face the first time I picked up the ball and ran at him. He made my dark alley all-time squad that day: the people who you would never want to meet in a dark alley, unless you love a bit of personal trauma.

These are my top five dark alley all stars in no particular order for the 2021 NRL season: the five players the average person would be terrified to meet in a dark alley.

Jared Waerea-Hargreaves
When you google “JWH suspension”, 12,300 results appear. Each and every year the big enforcer for the Roosters gets himself in grief with the referees and the opposition. He was the league leader in 2020 for penalties given and is currently first in the NRL again.

He has games where he appears to be running around like a headless chicken trying to put on big shots, push people in the face and do anything and everything to ruin his team’s chances of winning. This, coupled with his imposing stature (193 centimetres, 108 kilos), would be the reason he makes the dark alley all stars.

He’s a wildcard and never one to back down from anyone. His only blemish to his resume is that he was genuinely rattled by Jack Hetherington.

(Matt King/Getty Images)

Victor Radley
If you can manage to get yourself sin-binned twice in a game and then somehow make it back onto the field rather than being straight sent off, you deserve a spot in this squad. If you have the nickname ‘Victor the Inflictor’, you automatically get given a spot on this list. If you get put on report four times in one game, well, you know the drill.

Radley attempts to put hits on everything that moves, comes out of the line for shots regularly and never takes a backward step. While he may not look that intimidating with his baby face, this man is the dark horse in the dark alley all stars. If you get him on the right night, he might flash those pearly whites and take you out for a candlelit dinner. On the wrong night, well, has anyone watched Kill Bill lately?

Josh McGuire
If you are genuinely attempting to eye gouge an opponent, knowing full well there are cameras watching everything you do and you do it anyway, you are not someone to be trifled with.

And McGuire hasn’t just gone for an eye gouge once. No, the man has done it repeatedly, knowing full well everyone is watching. It’s as if he wants to get caught. One of the most hated players by the opposing fans, but the Tom Hardy (yet more rugged) lookalike doesn’t care what you or I think.

(Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

Corey Horsburgh
A man that is so angry with another man that he is crying genuine tears of rage makes this squad for sure. The rampaging red even tried to take out Ryan Matterson while genuinely not being able to get off the ground. That’s who I want in my fox hole when the going gets tough.

Commonly described by pundits as aggressive, this player is one the average person wouldn’t want to trifle with. Still working on controlling his anger and channelling it into his game rather than his fists, Horsburgh is the perfect addition to any dark alley list.

Curtis Scott
Scott may be a bit tiny compared to some others on the list and probably looks more like a potential date than a death sentence, but the man has all the tools to leave you out cold.

These are the top five players in the NRL who I would not like to see walking down a dark alley towards me.

Sure, there are bigger men who play the game but each one of these five has that special something that makes them tend towards the wayward side more often than not.