BRETT GEEVES: 'You're s--t and so is your chicken casserole' - does footy or cricket produce the best sledges?

I’ve never understood how AFL players could sledge. Firstly, there is the opportunity for physical harm as retribution. A large enough deterrent for most.

Secondly, covering 16 kilometres in sprints must make it mighty difficult to create enough air from the lungs to pass through the vocal system for actual noise other than a wheeze or a splutter.

Maybe it’s why when researching the best sledges in AFL/VFL history, the offering is mundane when put next to the game’s ugly brother, cricket.

I’ll admit, the difference in these sports is obvious:

Cricket is a laborious exercise filled with enough time between balls to have your tax return completed, as the fine leg fielder, after no more than five overs.

Footy is fast-paced and physical with barely enough time for Jayden Stephenson to place a bet on himself as the next goal kicker. 

Cricketers hold a clear advantage in terms of available oxygen to the brain and time to strategise verbal encounters.

So, in the name of competitive juice, and removing the ugliness of the Dayne Zorko sledge behind us, let’s go toe to toe with the wittiest and most arrogant sledges across the two codes.

FOOTY V CRICKET!

Family Warfare

Jimmy Ormond (England) v Mark Waugh (Australia) – Ashes Test

Waugh: “There’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.”

Ormond: “Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my own family.”

vs

“My dad f–ked your mum last night.“ – Triple Brisbane premiership captain Michael Voss to his younger brother and St Kilda player Brett Voss during a match.

Michael Voss. (Photo by Michael Willson/AFL Photos via Getty Images)

From the Crowd

Garry Lyon on Fox Footy

“Someone from the Collingwood cheer squad leant over the fence and said to me ‘Hey Lyon, it looks like your parents cut your hair with a knife and fork.’”

vs

English fan v Aussie opener and cookbook author Matthew Hayden – Ashes Test

Fan: “You’re s–t Hayden, and so is your chicken casserole.”

Physical flaws

Jonathan Brown on Fox Footy

“We came out after half time and Michael Voss told the umpire to stop the game. The umpire said ‘why?’ and Vossy said ‘Because there is an Auskick kid on the field’ and pointed to Geelong’s Shannon Byrnes.”

vs

Ian Healy/My Dad (Australia) v Arjuna Ranatunga (Sri Lanka) – One-day international

During a one-dayer between Australia and Sri Lanka Ranatunga decided he needed a runner. The stump microphone then picked up the following sledge from Healy: “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, fat c***”.

The Comeback

“Are you going to use the same bowl you use when you get your hair cut?” – Essendon’s Mark McVeigh to Brisbane legend Jonathan Brown in response to Brown telling him he was going to eat him.

vs

Daryll Cullinan (South Africa) v Warne (Australia) – Test match

As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him that he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate the South African. The Proteas batsman’s response? “Looks like you spent it eating.”

Sheer Arrogance

 “I accept cash or credit” – This absolute beauty from Steve Johnson was directed at Gold Coast’s Campbell Brown when the mercurial former Geelong star kicked seven goals against the Suns. Johnson was referring to the fact that Brown had front row seats to the Stevie J show.

Cameron Mooney for Fox Footy on the same night

“It was Stevie Johnson to Campbell Brown when he was playing at Gold Coast. I think it was 2011. He yelled out ‘Hey Moons, do you think Browny brought tickets?

“I obviously knew the gag so I said ‘tickets to what?’

“And Stevie said: ‘To the Stevie J show! It’s going all night!’”

vs

Matthew Hayden (Australia) v Tim Paine (Tasmania) – Sheffield Shield match

A young Tim Paine was walking out to bat in the first Shield game of the year at the Gabba against the intimidating Bulls. As is common for the first game of the year, Tim was wearing all brand-new Gray-Nicolls Fusion gear – that was made famous by Hayden – and his cherryless bat was particularly shiny. Hayden stopped him as he got to the gully region and said: “Look at you with your squeaky new Fusion pads and your shiny new Fusion bat … BECAUSE OF ME!”

The Best

Ian Botham (England) v Rod Marsh (Australia) – Ashes Test

Marsh: “How’s your wife and my kids?”

Botham: “The wife’s fine, but the kids are retarded.”

vs

Chris Judd (Carlton) to Brett Jones (West Coast)

In his return game against West Coast following his trade to Carlton, Chris Judd was having a day out when Eagles on-baller Brett Jones foolishly decided to stoke the fire by asking Judd why he had so much tape holding his shoulders together.

Judd: “It’s because I’ve been carrying you guys for five years.”

Who have you got? The physically exhausted and lactic burning footballers? Or the chilled-out cricketers fresh from gorging themselves on triangle sandwiches and sips of cola?