NRL 2023 random predictions: The cynic’s guide to unravelling the rich tapestry of rugby league

It’s the Year of the Rabbit on the Chinese zodiac calendar but all signs point to 2023 being the third straight chapter in the Panthers’ tale of dominance.

As it always does, the NRL will toss up all sorts of storylines – some which you can see coming a mile off, others you couldn’t imagine in your wildest dreams. 

It will be described as a soap opera, greatest game of all, slow-motion car crash, a reality TV show that’s come to life and one helluva ride. 

But as long as there’s 17 players from 17 teams giving 110%, taking it game by game and trying to play the full 80 minutes, the rich tapestry of rugby league will remain an integral part of the Australian sporting fabric.

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And for anyone wondering whether the Chinese Zodiac is a reliable indicator of picking rugby league premiers, Souths have won in the Year of the Rabbit once – in 1927, the Roosters did likewise in 1945 and the Year of the Dragon only worked in 1964. The Year of the Horse has never coincided with a Broncos premiership and the Year of the Tiger or Dog has never been prophetic.  

Phew, glad that mystery is now cleared up. Gamble responsibly.

(Photo by Bradley Kanaris/Getty Images)

Random predictions for 2023

The Broncos beat the Dragons by a whisker in the race to be the first club to “part ways by mutual consent” with their coach. Brisbane are away to premiers Penrith and the host the Cowboys in the first two rounds but then have a soft schedule over the next five weeks before they run the gauntlet of the Eels, Rabbitohs, Sea Eagles, Storm and Panthers. If Kevin Walters doesn’t have a winning record before they hit that mid-season horror stretch, the Broncos will have all the ammunition they need to fire the trigger. 

Anthony Griffin won’t last much longer as St George Illawarra spiral further down the gurgler during his three-year failed experiment. There’s plenty of smoke already emanating from Wollongong – and it’s not the steelworks – about Griffin being a goner with local lads made good Jason Ryles, Dean Young and Ben Hornby all impressing in their coaching apprenticeships elsewhere. 

Breathless players will say three-fifths of not much as they walk off the field during one of those pointless in-game interviews. 

During Manly’s first rough patch, supporters of Des Hasler will say Anthony Seibold doesn’t have Sea Eagles DNA. 

Kelma Tuilagi. (Photo by Matt King/Getty Images)

Des Hasler is this year’s Shane Flanagan – linked to every potential coaching vacancy, as will Flanagan. 

Billy Slater will emerge as the next big thing in coaching following in the footsteps of Craig Fitzgibbon and Cameron Ciraldo. The Broncos should be very tempted to get in early for the Queensland Origin coach, particularly if Craig Bellamy takes his usual path of dithering most of the season about whether he will remain at the Melbourne helm. 

Manly will be the only team from last year’s finals to make the eight although Wests Tigers will make the biggest leap up the ladder with the wooden spooners threatening for their traditional landing spot of ninth before settling around 11th. 

Canberra will drop out of the top eight after minimal roster changes to their ageing roster in the off-season while the Storm will scrape in but have back-to-back first-round playoff exits for the first time since 2005. 

A 50-point shellacking is labelled “a bit disappointing” by a coach in the post-match press conference.

Eels forward Ryan Matterson opts to pay a fine rather than a suspension when presented with the option this time around.

(Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images)

NRL execs vow to crack down on the scourge of grubby player agents. Said managers laugh heartily after dodging every attempt to bring them into line for many years, including the agents who have continued operating as per usual even when they’ve been slapped on the wrists with suspensions.

Queensland win back-to-back Origin shields not because they’ve got a better team but a superior coach. 

Peter Peters calls on the Sea Eagles players to show more pride in the jersey.

The Dolphins will get their first win in Round 3 in Newcastle or a fortnight later against the Dragons in Wollongong but won’t win another match until the Origin period. 

Calls for the Bunker to be blown up to be limited to every second weekend.

Kalyn Ponga’s switch to five-eighth will be rocks and diamonds but the team will struggle, particularly in the first couple of months with only one player in the spine who’s used to their role – hooker Jayden Brailey, teaming with Ponga and new recruits Jackson Hastings and Lachie Miller. 

(Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

The Dragons deny they have a culture problem despite their umpteenth off-field incident suggesting otherwise. Oops, too late, they already done that this week.

Penrith are not the regular-season juggernaut they’ve been the past three years and rally late to lock in a top-four berth. 

The NRL floats the idea of a “Round Zero” match in the United States whenever it needs to divert the news cycle away from a Bunker blunder or a cluster of off-field incidents.

Crusher Cleal says the Sea Eagles are not showing enough pride in the jersey.

Shaun Johnson is relegated to “super sub”/back-up hooker duties midway through the season when new Warriors coach Andrew Webster decides Luke Metcalf is the club’s long-term halfback. 

Judiciary to be described as “a lottery” by a disgruntled player who gets suspended for an incident in which “there wasn’t much in it” that happened “in the heat of the battle” and that the opponent on the receiving end “has got health insurance and the hospital bills are covered so what’s he complaining about?”

Joseph Suaali’i activates the clause in his contract to remain a Rooster in 2024 but that will be his last season at the club because James Tedesco is blocking his path to his preferred position at fullback.

The annual question over representative eligibility flares up with calls for Victor Radley to be allowed to represent NSW even though he played for England at the World Cup. There will be a lot of huffing and puffing but the rules won’t change to allow dual-eligible Kiwis or Englishmen into Origin. 

Max Krilich says pride in the Manly jersey is at an all-time low.

Sunia Turuva wins rookie of the year after getting a chance to run in plenty of tries on the end of Penrith’s star-studded backline with Taylan May tearing his ACL in the trials.

Calls for more games at suburban stadiums will be heard loud and clear, particularly in Round 6 when the Bulldogs host the Cowboys at Accor Stadium in front of 70,000 empty seats and a sprinkling of diehard fans.

Fullbacks are the new halfbacks in the Dally M Medal race with Scott Drinkwater, Tom Trbojevic, Latrell Mitchell and Clint Gutherson finishing in the top 10 on the leaderboard but Nathan Cleary fulfils his destiny after a couple of near-misses to finally get his hands on the award.

The Eels will miss Reed Mahoney more than they think. As well as Isaiah Papali’i, Marate Niukore, Oregon Kaufusi and even Ray Stone.

Canterbury will try to get Stephen Crichton to the club ahead of schedule after jettisoning a couple of their higher-paid players to the Super League mid-season. The Panthers say no. 

(Photo by Mark Evans/Getty Images)

Certain Manly players let it be known that they don’t think any more pride needs to be added to their jersey.

Pride Round will never get off the ground. The NRL will put it in the “too hard basket” and in many ways, the Manly Seven will think that they have won. 

The new Dolphins jersey design with the bizarre beige colour across the midriff will become a “collector’s item” in future years because surely the club won’t be dopey enough to trot out that monstrosity two seasons in a row. Their jersey would be tenfold better if they went full red and white in both versions – if they simply must have a third colour to differentiate from the Dragons, keep the gold hem on the sleeves. If you want to see how these decisions get made, check out their official explanation, which some marketing “whiz” claims the gold colour “speaks to the future horizons” while white represents “the fresh canvas full of possibility that lies before us”. 

The Bears will be linked to a return from their 24-year hibernation with at least seven possible expansion cities from Papua New Guinea to Perth to the southern point of Invercargill and all points in between – pretty much everywhere except North Sydney. 

A future grand final will be “sold off” to the highest bidder. Sydney.

Gold Coast cycle through six or seven combinations of who wears No.6 and No.7 with Kieran Foran, Tanah Boyd, AJ Brimson and Toby Sexton shuffling around as Justin Holbrook tries to find a winning formula. 

The Roosters win the minor premiership but get eliminated from the playoffs by Souths who make the Grand Final but are denied again by the Panthers as they become the first team since Jack Gibson’s Eels of 1983 to win three straight premierships.