Which footy code has the best nicknames?

Australians love a good nickname, and no more so than on the footy field. I’ve played in teams where players almost exclusively both used and answered to nicknames, and there are many former teammates and opponents whose nicknames I can clearly recall, but I couldn’t tell you their actual names for neither love nor money.

Rugby, AFL, football, and rugby league all have a long tradition of bestowing nicknames on their players, but some names are better than others, and one code rules the roost.

Many nicknames are simplistic and merely based on the player’s name, like Campo (David Campese), Smithy (Cameron Smith) and Gazza (Paul Gascoigne), but that’s entry level stuff, and it’s the quality nicknames that we’ll be looking for here. That said, many clever nicknames are linked to a player’s name, and some of them are classics.

League has the likes of internationals Greg “Brandy” Alexander, Martin “Chariots” Offiah, and one of my all-time favorites, Cronulla and Newcastle utility “Waltzing” Matt Hilder. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Rugby also makes some clever contributions including Wallaby outside back Adam “Two Dads” Ashley-Cooper, former captain and lineout jumper Nathan “Razor” Sharpe, the appropriately sized Brumbies tight head prop Salesi Ma’afu who went by the alias “More Food”, and perhaps the best of them all, English inside back Billy Twelvetrees who was simply known as “36”. Some of you may need help with that one, so you’d better grab your calculator.

Football is a bit of a letdown with this type of nickname though, seemingly preferring more descriptive monikers, while AFL gave us Carlton stalwart Brett “Rats” Ratten and Hawthorn’s five-time premiership winner Robert “Dipper” DiPierdomenico. Perhaps the AFL commentators came up with that one to save themselves from any embarrassment.

Some of the best nicknames are those based on the player’s appearance. They’re not only usually humorous and often insulting, but also fun for us punters if not for the players themselves. From football there’s the likes of Robert Baggio the “Divine Ponytail”, “Two Metre Peter” which aptly described the giant former English international Peter Crouch, and Australia’s “Big Harry Souttar” (all the way from Scotland by the way).

Some names are a little closer to the bone though, like Argentina’s Carlos Bilardo who went by the nickname “Big Nose” for reasons as obvious as the nose on his face, French left winger Franck Ribery who had to put up with the name “Scarface” throughout his stellar career thanks to the large scar running down the right side of his face, and even Brazilian ace Ronaldinho wasn’t spared, picking up the nickname “Jar Jar Binks” due to the alleged similarity between his teeth and those of the Star Wars Gungan General.

They say that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and if you’re being paid as much as these guys, who really cares?

Wallaby front rowers Chris Handy and Ben Robinson were known as “Buddha” and “Fat Cat” respectively for obvious reasons, James O’Connor answers to “Bieber” thanks to his boyish good looks, and former Irish hooker and chrome dome Keith Wood was known as either “Uncle Fester” or the “Raging Potato” by those game enough to say either name out loud in his presence.

CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA – MARCH 11: James O’Connor of the Reds looks on during the round three Super Rugby Pacific match between ACT Brumbies and Queensland Reds at GIO Stadium, on March 11, 2023, in Canberra, Australia. (Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)

South African prop Robbi Kempson earned the title “Fat Lazy Tosser” for some reason, while Wallaby counterpart Matt Dunning answered to any of “Fat Dunning”, “Bouncer”, “Tucky” and “Friar Tuck”. Rugby can be such a cruel sport!

Rugby league speedster Larry Corowa was christened “The Black Flash” back in the days before cancel culture, Dragons’ great Brian Clay was known as “Poppa” after losing his hair at an early age, and don’t forget dual international Michael “Schnozz” O’Connor with the badly bent beak.

Five-time premiership winner and former Clive Palmer acolyte Glenn Lazarus’ body shape, beady eyes and a missing neck saw him christened “The Brick with Eyes”, and you only have to glance at sports commentator and former hooker Mark Riddell to understand how he ended up being called “Piggy”.

AFL’s St Kilda legend from the 1960s and 1970s Kevin Neale was nicknamed “Cowboy’ thanks to his bowed legs and the fact that he walked like someone who had either just spent the last five days in the saddle or didn’t quite make it to the toilet on time.

North Melbourne’s Wayne “Duck” Carey was also named for his strutting walking style, while Western Australia’s Matthew Burton, who was just a shade under seven foot tall, went by the name of “Spider”.

Wayne Carey is one of the greatest AFL players of all time. (Credit: Jack Atley/ALLSPORT via Getty Images)

There’s also a host of nicknames based on the way a player conducts himself once he steps over the chalk. Anyone who saw the frightening Samoan outside back Brian Lima play will understand why he was referred to as “The Chiropractor”, there was Al “The Fuse” Baxter, the Fainga’a brothers who are known as “Search and Destroy”, while English flanker Lewis Moody was known as “Mad Dog” for his relentless style of play.

The “Mad Dog” handle was also shared by league outside back Adam McDougall for his highly competitive style of play and the fact that he used to talk to his legs. I kid you not!

The league halfback turned winger Steve Morris earned the tag “Slippery” thanks to his blistering acceleration, while Broncos and Queensland legend Trevor Gillmeister was deservedly known as “The Axe” thanks to his devastating defensive style which frequently cut many bigger men in half.

The recently retired, and often fiery A-League star Matt Simon was known as “The Thunder from Kincumber”, and I often wondered if he became the “Thunder from Downunder” during his brief sojourn in the Korean K League 2?

Feared English football defender Stuart “Psycho” Pearce still has the mad eyes that went so well with his ruthless style of play, while Brazilian journeyman Julio Baptista was christened “The Beast” in recognition of his size and on-field presence.

From AFL, there was no more deserving nickname than Hawthorn’s Leigh Matthews’ alias of “Lethal”, which perfectly described both his tough playing style and ability to slot a six-pointer almost at will.

Football easily leads the way when it comes to adulatory nicknames, particularly with overseas stars, and it probably goes with their big-dollar contracts. Socceroo great Harry Kewell was nicknamed the “Wizard of Oz”, Japan and WSW midfielder Shinji Ono was known as “Tensai” (genius), Brisbane Roar’s German import Thomas Broich answered to “Mozart”, while former English legend Bryan Robson was known as “Captain Marvel”, such was his on-field dominance.

They weren’t so complimentary with David Beckham though, and he could choose from several nicknames, including “Golden Balls” and “Spice Boy”, and I’m not so sure that Australian striker Tim Cahill was all that happy to be called “Tiny Tim”.

Tim Cahill retired from international football in November 2018, aged 38 years and 349 days. (Mark Kolbe/Getty Images)

Now for some favorite nicknames that took some thought and inspiration to come up with. Rugby provides two of the best in this category with John “Nobody” Eales and Stephen “Bernie” Larkham. If you don’t know where these nicknames came from you’re obviously not a rugby fan. Try Google, you won’t be disappointed.

Rugby also gave us “Sookface” and “Panadol” for the talented but often injured Wallaby Berrick Barnes, and “Footy Franks” for the imposing All Black brothers, Ben and Owen Franks. These are gold.

League came up with “The Falcon” for Souths’ Maltese hooker Mario Fenech, after the ball famously hit him in the head, and then there was Anthony Minichiello, who was christened “The Count” thanks to his likeness to a Sesame Street character.

One of the best of all was bestowed on PNG international Menzie Yere, who scored an incredible 195 tries for Sheffield Eagles but was also a devastating defender. He was christened “Jukebox” as the hits just kept on coming. Love it!

Carlton AFL stalwart Peter Jones was a big hairy thing who ended up being called “Percy” after the large male appendage from the film of the same name, so I guess he was a bit of a dick. Continuing the “hair” theme, who can forget Carlton defender Bruce Doull and his ridiculous flapping comb-over which led to him being called “The Flying Doormat”?

Football comes to the party here with a couple of classics of their own. Dutch winger Kiki Musampa was nicknamed “Chris”, which sounds pretty bland until you add it to his surname and come up with Chris Musampa. (hint – think Christmas), and how are you going to beat English journeyman Fitz Hall’s nickname of “One Size”? Brilliant stuff!

So, which code comes up with the best nicknames? I’ll let you be the judge.