The most un-Australian of all suggestions

I’ve seen a lot of un-Australian things in my time. Granny-muggers, dodgy tradesmen, Arts Council grants, illegal immigrants and Julia Gillard.

But I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anything more un-Australian than this article by Ben Quilty, who is apparently an “artist”; although I’m not sure when the destruction of Australian values was officially classified as an artform.

Apparently these days art has gone beyond pornography all the way into actual unpatriotic semi-treason.

Quilty’s thesis is basically this: elite Australian athletes benefit from their publicly-funded sporting educations, so they should amass a HECS debt in the same way as those Australians who benefit from other kinds of publicly-funded educations, and when they start to earn above a certain level, they will begin to repay that debt, as so many other Australians do after undergoing university educations to become doctors, nurses, lawyers, engineers, or, apparently, whiny painters.

In defence of this slice of radical insanity, Quilty spouts off some nonsense about our troops in Afghanistan and Stilnox and a horse suit, to distract from the base depravity of his argument.

So, Quilty, this is how it’s to be, is it? This is the brave new Oz you envision?

A country where innocent sportspeople are forced to pay for goods and services like common plumbers. Is this how we became a great nation? Is this how we came to dominate the world?

When analysing the 1989 Ashes victory, how many experts nominated “HECS debt” as a determinative factor in the triumph?

How often did Kieren Perkins thank his HECS debt for the contribution it made to his success in the pool?

I think we know the answer.

Yes, I realise that Mr Quilty, with his artistic temperament and Derwent-addled brain, will claim he has “logic” on his side.

It’s ‘logical,’ he’ll claim, that athletes pay their way in society just like everyone else, and don’t get a free ride simply because their gifts happen to lie in the physical arena.

Oh yes, he’s being terribly ‘logical.’

But what Mr Quilty doesn’t realise as he smears his filthy paint all over our national pride, is that we are talking about sport. And sport has nothing to do with ‘logic.’

Was it logical for Alfie Langer to fly back from England and lead Queensland to victory even though he was over fifty years old and rapidly shrinking?

Was it logical for Dean Jones to hit a hundred in the heat of Madras by vomiting on the Indian bowlers until they cried for mercy?

Was it logical for Matthew Mitcham to flip over in the air and land in water?

Of course not! There’s no earthly point to it at all, it’s a ridiculous pastime. But it’s through this lack of logic that we define who we are and gain pride in our heritage.

It’s through the senseless acts of futile physical courage that Australia has become a sporting powerhouse.

There’s no logic to Anthony Mundine: why should there be logic to our funding formula?

It comes down to a very simple fact: sportsmen and, to a certain extent, sportswomen, are better than us. There’s no point denying it: you know in your heart it’s true.

You know full well that you can’t measure up to Cathy Freeman in the Great Person stakes.

You know you’re a much lesser human being than Lleyton Hewitt.

You know that you probably don’t even have as many friends as Jai Taurima. Even if you don’t remember who Jai Taurima is, you know it.

It’s innate.

Yes, sportspeople hone their skills at our expense, and yes some of them get very rich and never pay any of it back.

But those rich sportspeople have expenses. Bills to pay. Nutritionists to hire. X-Boxes to buy. Vitamin supplements to acquire in a sinister manner.

Do we really want them to skimp on the essentials just to satisfy antiquated notions of ‘fairness’?

Remember how lucky we are to have these great guys and girls here.

If we don’t keep them happy, they’ll be off satisfying residency requirements for the Netherlands faster than you can say Hana Mandlikova.

It’s important we keep our athletes calm, content, and at a constant temperature of 36.8 degrees Celsius.

And we can only do that by pouring more and more money into their training with no selfish desire for a return on our investment.

So go ahead, Ben Quilty, do your artistic quibbling, demand what you like. Try to tear down our wonderful sporting culture with your petty penny-pinching.

We who sail the seas of reality will continue to ignore you and pay tribute to those gods who run and jump among us, happy to be helping them achieve their dreams with whatever they require.

We live to serve, and humble flabby drones that we are, we must be happy with this.