My foolproof plan to boost AFL's shocking crowds

There is trouble at the mill. A storm is coming. Fear stalks the land like a daddy long-legs. We should, if we are sensible, be quivering like the glass of water in Jurassic Park. Why?

Because Andrew Demetriou is unhappy.

When Andrew Demetriou is unhappy, heads roll. People suffer. Children cry. Adults cry, in fact. It is not difficult to imagine Andrew Demetriou calling his henchmen together and giving them a lecture on teamwork before taking to one of them with a baseball bat.

The reason for Demetriou’s terrifying unhappiness is the low crowd number at the Richmond-Carlton game in Round 2. The crowd was only around 62,000, which in most sports would cause little gasps and squeals of ecstasy among administrators, but in the AFL is the equivalent of the Hindenburg disaster.

Of course, the reason for this is the complex contractual situation by which the MCG was unavailable for Round 1, which was moved to earlier in the year to provide greater exposure in northern states. Which is all well and good, but the CEO should’ve learnt from Hitler that defending two fronts at once is extremely difficult.

Greater exposure in Sydney is bound to lead to losses in Melbourne. And so it has proved – thousands of passionate Tigers and Blues supporters, disgusted by the idea of attending a game in so-called “Round 2”, turned up their noses and went clubbing.

But what’s done is done. What is important now is to ensure the AFL recovers from this devastating hammer blow, and does not have to suffer an entire season of crowds only three times as big as the NRL.

And Demetriou cannot rest on his laurels. He can’t assume that the crowds will recover just because he wills it. There are a lot of competing demands on the entertainment dollar these days: soccer, Springsteen tours, Disney Infinity figurines and so forth.

Therefore it is time to innovate, and introduce some of these great incentives to bring the big crowds back to our indigenous game.

Cash payments
Every spectator receives a $100 bill when they pass through the gate. This of course might dent gate receipts, so the ticket price will have to be raised to $130 per person, but I think it’ll be worth it – everyone likes having money handed to them.

Fabulous prizes
The AFL should award a new car to selected spectators who perform a difficult task. For example, a car to anyone who can climb an MCG goalpost without dying. A car to anyone who can hit Lance Franklin with a full Coke bottle from the outer. A car to anyone who can bench-press Billy Brownless.

Threats
Demetriou, with all the resources at his disposal, should find it relatively easy to send several menacing men around to people’s houses with promises of violence should they fail to buy tickets to the football.

Celebrity endorsements
Hire the entire current cast of My Kitchen Rules to promote the AFL through public appearances in which they will cook meals in the shape of prominent players, and television commercials in which they will stand on the MCG turf and yell irritating slogans like “Guess what’s cookin’ at the ‘G!” or “My osso bucco is kicking goals!”

Renovations
Make football grounds more attractive to passersby by painting them in fun, bright colours – the MCG to be glow-in-the-dark green, the SCG neon pink, Subiaco Oval electric blue and so forth. Install sensors in the pavement around the grounds so that when spectators approach, Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping plays through loudspeakers.

Prayer
Demetriou and the entire AFL Commission must immediately begin sincerely asking God to intercede to make more people come to the football.

Now, Andrew Demetriou has never struck me as a passive fellow. He strikes me as a man of action, so I’m sure that after reading this list of suggestions – and I know he always reads this column – he will act.

I’m sure that when the plan is set in place, crowds will increase almost instantly, and once more the AFL will be master of all it surveys, powerful and mighty enough to crush all opposition and bend the nation itself to its will.

Otherwise, I dunno. Make the pies cheaper or something?