You might have read some nonsense in the so-called media lately suggesting the Socceroos, who are one of the top five national men’s soccer teams in the country, had ‘lost’ a number of games, thereby being ‘eliminated’ from the World Cup and proving themselves to be not very ‘good’.
Myth-making is common in the sporting world – just ask any CEO who’s hired Ricky Stuart – but this is a little beyond the pale.
I am here to point out that our lads in Brazil have at no point lost anything. I can confidently say this because of two words: moral victory.
The moral victory has a long and proud history in Australian sport. Jeff Thomson and Allan Border achieved a memorable moral victory at the MCG in 1982-83. Lleyton Hewitt has achieved moral victories in every match he’s played in since 2003. Parramatta’s moral victory in the drawn grand final of 1977 is legendary.
And that’s before we get into the dozens of moral victories Australians achieve during every Olympics.
There may be nobody better at the moral victory than the Socceroos, who according to official statistics compiled by Craig Foster, are currently on a moral victory streak stretching back to the early ’60s. Admittedly, other official statistics compiled by Craig Foster also indicate that nobody in Australia plays rugby and the AFL is an urban myth, but still the evidence is compelling.
Fact is, a moral victory is the best victory of all. Think about it – what’s the opposite of moral? Immoral. If you want immoral victories, go follow Collingwood. Anyone of an upstanding character prizes moral victories above all else, and Australia has achieved three of the highest quality in this World Cup.
Let’s look at the first game, versus Chile. Now, there are those who will tell you that Chile ‘won’ this game 3-1. Pshaw I say!
To begin with, the first two Chilean goals were scored inside the first 15 minutes, recognised worldwide as practice time. To score two goals before your opponents are ready is the work of a scoundrel. So clearly, in a moral sense, these two goals do not count.
After that, Tim Cahill, the springheeled, twinkle-toed, steel-ankled hero of every child who ever dreamed of beating up a corner post, scored a genuine goal, a goal borne of honest toil and conscientious study. Then Chile scored one in injury time, which: a) is concession to the weak-willed who cravenly request the stopping of a clock simply because someone’s fallen over; and b) was due to injuries which were all fake anyway.
So as you see, in Australia’s opening World Cup tie, the Socceroos won 1-0. Would’ve been 2-0 if it hadn’t been for the linesman applying the letter of the offside rule instead of the spirit of it, like some kind of Robocop shooting a jaywalker.
Then to the second game, where Australia was given no chance against the Netherlands. When you’re given no chance, of course, losing by less than four goals is a moral victory, and as they lost 3-2 – it’s clearly going to qualify. Also, Tim Cahill’s goal in this game was widely agreed by Craig Foster and some guys he knows to have been the best goal scored in the history of all ball sports, so they get a bonus point for that.
Estimates vary, but I’d put Australia’s moral victory in this game conservatively at around 4-1.
What of the last game, you ask? Spain won 3-0, even when experts thought they might be ripe for an upset: there is surely no room for moral victories here, right?
Wrong! A quick glance at Wikipedia reveals that in 1492, Spain’s Jews were ordered to convert to Catholicism or face expulsion from Spanish territories. This is disgraceful behaviour, and frankly the Spanish have forfeited any right to the moral high ground here. Clearly the moral victory belongs to Australia. Probably about 2-0, possibly 5-2.
And so the Socceroos verily enter the Australian Moral Victory Hall Of Fame, joining Hewitt, Thomson and Border, the ’77 Eels and other luminaries including Nick Riewoldt and Poh from Masterchef.
More importantly, they move on into the Moral Victory Round of 16, facing off against Bosnia-Herzegovina. Whether they can go all the way depends on various factors, including how brave they are, how much guts they have, their amount of courage, whether they ever say die, their gallantry levels, sustained pluckiness, the relationship of when they stop to the advent of the final whistle, and how terrible the ref’s decision that gifts their opponents a goal is.
They’ve got it in them, but to win the whole Moral Victory World Cup will be a tough challenge – Mark Webber is favourite with the bookies.
But win, not-really-lose or honourably-draw, I’ll be cheering the Socceroos on from right here on this extremely high horse.
ciudadmarron
Guest
Are you serious? Every loss against a northern hemisphere side is a "moral victory" against evil penalty kickers and head stompers.... right?
apaway
Roar Guru
Ah, Ben, you're a brave man. Funny article, well done. I think we should open a "Moral Victors" Hall of Fame which would, apart from your own suggestions, include: Manly (2007) and Parramatta (2009) for being the REAL Grand Final winners against the salary-cap-cheating Storm The Opals, who beat everyone except the USA, the world's most immoral country The lady who got disqualified for walking too fast as she was entering the stadium in the Walk at the 2000 Olympics (I know I should remember her name, but it's WALKING for god's sake) Jeff Fenech, in that draw against Azumah Nelson in Don King's back yard ring in Las Vegas.
The Bear
Guest
Well I got it. Thanks for the Lols.
Deep Thinker
Guest
Can't disagree with any of that. Fact is we (and Cameroon) let in more goals than all other teams in the group stages, and for all our attacking intent, scored only 3 goals. No team in the world cup would be satisfied with that. But the good news is they are a very raw team who have had lots of injuries, they have played against 3 elite teams and have shown enough to indicate there is plenty of upside in the coming years,
fithdy
Guest
I wonder why rugby never talks about moral victories. Or is it because in a culture that hero-worships Quade and Kurtley (and once upon a time JOC) there is no morals...?!?
AGO74
Guest
I am staggered by the number of people taking this article seriously......
sheek
Roar Guru
Some people have missed Ben's wonderful humour. It's their loss. However, here's some serious stats to contemplate. Only once in the past three world cups has Australia played a country ranked lower than themselves. That was Ghana in 2010. Here are Australia's pool opponents, their rankings & the result. 2006 - Australia (42). v. Japan (18), W 3-1. v. Brazil (1), L 0-2. v. Croatia (23), D 2-2. v. Italy (13), L 0-1 (round of 16). 2010 - Australia (20). v. Germany (6), L 0-4. v. Ghana (32), D 1-1. v. Serbia (15), W 2-1. 2014 - Australia (62). v. Chile (14), L 1-3. v. Netherlands (15), L 2-3. v. Spain (1), L 0-3. In my book, the Socceroos have performed outstandingly well.
langou
Roar Guru
Perhaps Lazza, comedy could be subjective ? There's one for you to have a think about. I, like many others, find Ben Pobjie writing to be great and one of the better sports-comedy writers. It is often a satirical and subtle form of comedy and not to everyone's tastes but I have never had the urge to tell a comedian that they are "not funny" in the same way I would never go up to a bloke playing guitar in a pub and tell him that his "music sucks".
AZ_RBB
Guest
Don't mind the folk on here, Ben. We're all just moody and sleep deprived. You should've posted this tomorrow after everyone's had their first full night of sleep in 2 weeks.
Suzie Q
Guest
After the week from hell you (as always) have brightened up my life! Power to your keyboard always.
peterhen
Guest
Just back from Brazil and am in absolute pieces!! MY POSITIVES - Goal of the Tournament for sure - in fact, Top 10 of all time in World Cup Final tournaments, I would say - Leckie was superb and I would be surprised if he ends up in Ingolstadt come matchday one in Europe, but he might - Matt McKay was quality - I had severe reservations about him but he didn't let us down in the centre of the park - We weren't the laughing stock of the tournament by any means even though we probably had the poored record - most neutrals loved us against Holland and that bought us credibility for sure with the locals - We will be part of what could be a very average Asian Cup in January - let's hope home ground advantage will count for something. I suspect the other 3 teams will be kicking out their coaches and doing what we did in October, so we have a headstart. In some respects our 'transformation' couldn't have happened at a better time. - Mike Cockerill's article in the smh on Wednesday was spot on. - Jedinak was good against Holland THE NOT SO POSITIVES - No disrespect to McGowan but he's no right back and it's not his fault - he was a constant weak link (though he did cross the ball for Timmy) - Hindsight is a wonderful thing but Ange will regret not keeping Wilkshire in the squad as the "extra midfield option" that he talked about of Vidisic never looked like being used. He is not our top paid footballer for no reason. - We got found out after 10 mins against Spain and I am worried that this could become our new norm - I will hold off my judgement until the end of the Asian Cup. - Disappointed in Mat Ryan for some of the goals in all three games. You need your keeper to be delivering when the team is not of the highest quality - I suspect Scwarzer would have stopped the Dutch 3rd and maybe even the 1st - Tommy Oar underperformed in every game and not having the balls to put us ahead against Holland was a sign of low confidence - Jedinak was poor in game one (thought he was Roy Keane) and game three (thought he was Iniesta) - I would have kept Josh Kennedy too and sent Bailey Wright home as the Back Five didn't change - but we needed Josh upfront - talking to the coaching staff, he was only 4 days from being right to go when he got booted. - Our players are mostly playing at their appropriate level - a touch off the top level in Europe - let's see how many get moves - none so far - and I don't count Fulham as top tier. - Adam Taggart was out of his depth in both of his games and it showed badly. - We conceded three goals in each of our three games and very few teams deserve anything from games that do that - We should never be just satisfied with credibility, moral victories or the like but I suspect many people in Australia are - Things will change if we don't start to win games and play good football - that is easier said than done. I said it before the tournament and I still predict pain moving forward.
Evan Askew
Guest
I've seen plenty of stupid articles by skippy writers (Rebecca Wilson being the worst) in the mainstream media denigrating football that have pissed me off and this isn't one of them. Want to know why? He took the piss out of other sports as well as football in this article.
Patrick Effeney
Editor
Choice lines: "whether they ever say die" "other luminaries including Nick Riewoldt and Poh from Masterchef" The concept of "the Moral Victory Round of 16" Brilliant Ben. I made myself look like an idiot in the office laughing like a mad man though.
Patrick Effeney
Editor
Wow! Peter Fitz in the comments. Thanks Peter.
Lazza
Guest
Oh it was comedy? I thought that meant it was supposed to be funny. I read plenty of light hearted articles in the Guardian taking the p*** out of Football that really are funny. This is just sad.
Pre
Guest
that's it in a nutshell, Ben - brilliant!
Kevin Dustby
Roar Rookie
gee, you sound like a football supporter that thinks everyone want to attack Football. Ben is a comedic writer who referred to many moral victories by tennis players and other sports as well. as for america, im in chicago right now and there is obvious support for Team USA but no more than in Australia for the socceroos
two cents
Guest
what must be looked at it how the national team has gotten this low since 2006, when all the promises of the FFA for australia to be a top 20 ranked nation, the aleague and new coachin ciriculum, millions spent on dutch advisors, there should be an enquiry into whether we are heading in the right direction, why arent the players here going to better clubs instead of division 2 clubs in europe.
two cents
Guest
Ben that was good comedy, especially Tim Cahill's goal against chile which was a genuine goal, i must be the only one thats blind when i see both hands on the defenders shoulders as he heads the ball in the back of the net.
Peter FitzSimons
Guest
Great column! One of the best of the World Cup so far. Peter FitzSimons