Wallabies truth session - Exclusive coverage

Welcome Roarers to sunny Brisbane for live coverage of the 2014 Wallabies truth session. With Saturday’s Test match against the All Blacks redundant from a Bledisloe Cup standpoint, the main action is now taking place inside the Wallabies’ hotel.

In light of explosive allegations against utility back Kurtley Beale and claims and counter claims of players and coach being aware of lurid text messages long before they became public, coupled with a historic first loss to Argentina in last weeks’ final Rugby Championship encounter, captain Michael Hooper has turned to a classic, time honoured method of crisis management – a truth session.

We cross now to the inner sanctum to pick up live coverage;

Michael Hooper (MH): Come in boys, grab a slab each, we’re nearly set to go.

James Horwill (JH): A slab each? What’s that about, we’re playing the All Blacks on Saturday.

MH: No worries, we’re supremely fit, world-class athletes, one session on the truth oil isn’t going to hurt. Now’s all about dealing with our issues, man to man.

Bernard Foley (BF): Where’s Link? You can’t have a truth session without the coach.

MH: I did invite him but he’s doing an airport pick-up for the new team hairdresser.

James Slipper (JS): I thought that position went in the last budget cuts?

Israel Folau (IF): No, it’s a player welfare condition in my contract. 24 hour on-call team hairdresser.

JH: I read her “LinkedIn” profile. She claims she was previously hairdresser for the Wales front row.

MH: Ok, so here’s how it works. Only one person speaks at a time. To have the floor you have to put this tea-towel on your head. Everyone else shuts up ok? And everything you say has to be the truth.

Scott Higginbotham leans across, grabs the tea-towel and places it on his head.

SH: It’s my fault we lost against the Pumas. I was being a meerkat when I should have been a rhinoceros.

Each player passes the tea-towel on, to allow the next player to speak.

Nick Phipps (NP): No it was my fault. I got sent to the sin-bin and I threw a couple of bad passes.

Nic White (NW): It’s my fault. Even though Phippsy was crap Link couldn’t replace him because I just would have done some of those silly box kicks anyway.

Will Skelton (WS): It’s my fault. I should be a Test-hardened veteran winning the forward battle off my own back, not some young kid taking a couple of seasons to learn the ropes in Test rugby.

Ben Alexander (BA): Well it’s not my fault. Did you see how well we went in the scrums after I came on? Bloody well murdered them!

Adam Ashley-Cooper (AAC): Boys, I think we need to forget about the past and focus on the future. How we deal with this Saturday is much more important.

MH: Ok, tell us your game plan then.

AAC: The All Blacks will run out first, then I’ll walk out slowly on my own, you guys follow well behind, there’ll be a hundred gun salute, for each of my Test matches, then I’ll do a motorcade lap of honour to Hot Chocolate’s “You Sexy Thing”, while they release a hundred white doves, then I’ll say a few words just before the haka, then I’ll –

Quade Cooper (QC): (Interrupting) Jeez mate, it’s not all about you. Rugby’s a team game. We should all stick together as a team and never bag our mates or coach or team environment in public.

MH: Dead right mate. That’s why we’re all sticking behind Kurtley. Right?

Kurtley Beale (KB): I just want to say how much I appreciate you guys supporting me. I done some stupid things in the past, we all know that. I went to Hungry Jacks at 3am in the morning when I shoulda gone to Maccas instead, cos’ there’s less calories in their burgers. Now I did a bad text.

MH: It’s alright mate, that could have been any one of us, you were just unlucky.

Scott Fardy (SF): I’ll tell you who’s unlucky, that Jerome Kaino. I own him! I bet he’s shitting bricks right now.

JH: I thought this is supposed to be a truth session?

MH: What about this rubbish I read in the press about how we should improve our discipline and stop challenging the ref on every call? What are these blokes on? Don’t they watch the same game as us?

BF: It’s crap mate, next thing they’ll be telling us to take the three points when we get a penalty in front of the sticks.

AAC: And then straight after the game Conrad Smith has asked if he can present me with a commemorative 100th Test jumper, cos he really rates me right up there as one of the greats, and then I was thinking that some of you strong forwards can carry me off on your shoulders.

BA: Sure.

Adam Ashley-Cooper: Actually, not you Ben, I want to stay up there for a few seconds at least.

Rob Simmons (RC): Any word back from the Pulveriser about our new, upgraded contracts?

MH: Yeah, they’re going to offer us no more base salary or match incentives, just allow us instead to split the pool from the NRC. We get 50 per cent of the total gate takings.

QC: 50 per cent. Wow that’s massive. That’s almost half!

MH: Yeah, I’ve got the player’s association looking at it, but it sounds like a sweet deal. Pulveriser says it’s a step forward, it’s exactly what we’re worth.

There is a sound of a car suddenly pulling up outside. Izzy peers through the curtains.

IF: Looks like the coach has arrived fellas.

A few seconds later the door bursts open.

Michael Cheika: Sorry I’m late boys! Now, where would you like me to start?

Note: This account is entirely fictional, and bears no resemblance to any truth of any kind.