Horses for courses, not the wild

Don’t you love the Melbourne Cup? I love the Melbourne Cup. In fact, don’t you love the entire Spring Racing Carnival? I love the Spring Racing Carnival.

I think what I love most about the Spring Racing Carnival is that it reminds me that horse racing exists. It is awfully good for that.

Take it from me, you can try as hard as you might to forget that horse racing exists, but that Spring Racing Carnival will come along and remind you, whether you want it to or not.

Horse racing, as they say, is the sport of kings, so named because in the old days the kings owned all the guns. These days, of course, racing is open to people from all walks of life: all you need is a love of animals and a flexible attitude towards money laundering laws.

What is it that sets racing apart from other sports, apart from the alcohol poisoning?

I think the great and unique thing about horse racing is that it is done by horses. A lot of people probably don’t realise this, but almost every horse race in this country is contested by horses. For those non-racing fans who don’t know what a horse is, this link provides a handy primer, but essentially a horse is just like a person, except with four legs and no pants.

Of course horses aren’t the only things you can race. You can race cars, bikes or military build-ups, but horses provide a unique thrill that can’t be found in races where the racers are aware they’re in a race.

Is there anything more boring than watching dull old human beings run around a track, knowing that these tedious people know exactly what they’re doing? It certainly can’t compare to the excitement of a race where none of the runners has the slightest clue what’s going on.

Horse racing – which, I can’t stress enough, is done by horses – holds a special place in Australians’ hearts, because it combines so many of our most distinctive characteristics: our love of a punt, our love of tiny men and our love of drunken sexual activity in public.

That’s the real beauty of the sport: the fact that it’s not all about the sport. In fact, it’s barely about the sport at all. Some of the country’s most passionate racing enthusiasts have never even seen a race, because it’s not necessary to watch horse racing in order to enjoy it – indeed many would argue it can only diminish the experience.

What horse racing is about is the pageantry. It’s about the spectacle, it’s about the atmosphere, it’s about the slow-witted masses gathering together to wear stupid clothes and give their money to criminals.

Most of all it’s about the frocks, and there’s not a lot of sports you can say that about. The racing industry can truly be proud that, alone among sporting codes, its major events revolve mainly around judging the relative merits of women’s dresses. An area in which State of Origin, for example, is sadly lacking.

Not that we can ignore the horses entirely – as I mentioned earlier, that’s practically impossible. The great thing about racehorses is that, even though they are forced by humans to race, they truly love it. They can’t talk, of course, but you can tell they love it by that look they get. You know the one. There’s no doubt that there is nothing a horse would rather do that run as fast as it can in competition with other horses in front of thousands of shouting people.

In fact, zoologists have observed horses in the wild, when left to their own devices, organising themselves into lanes, awarding each other garlands and constructing small dolls to sit on their backs. It’s simply in their blood.

Which is why spoilsports who want horses to not race are so cruel. When horses love racing as much as they clearly do according to all independent animal behavioural experts working in major stables, it’s just mean to try to deny them the pleasure.

Look at the two horses who died after this year’s running of the Melbourne Cup. Of course it’s very sad that it happened, but remember that if racing hadn’t killed them, something else would have, like a car accident or swine flu or something.

It’s also important to remember that those who work in the racing industry love their horses and take care of them with incredible devotion in between pushing them to extremes of physical exertion under the threat of violence for the enrichment of gambling companies.

Horses in the racing industry are treated like royalty, which would certainly not be the case if there were no racing industry, and we simply had to slaughter all the many thousands of racehorses which we were inexplicably continuing to breed for no reason.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: bravo, horses. Through the courage and determination and nobility that you have worked so hard to have projected onto you by weirdos, you inspire us all. My own children have often said they hope to grow up to be horses, and as sporting role models one could ask for no better.

Every spring, the efforts of these magnificent creatures serve as the perfect proof of the old saying, “The football’s over but the cricket’s not on yet”, and that has never been truer than it is today.

However, let’s not forget that racing is not a spring-only affair. Horses are off and running 365 days a year, so we should always be sure to not watch it all those other days, because you can imagine how boring it gets.