Virat Kohli's captaincy debut: The BCCI evaluates

The first Test in Adelaide was a certified humdinger with superstar performances up the wazoo, and one of the best was the mercurial batsmanship of Virat Kohli.

As we know, with MS Dhoni bunking down to heal for a week of chicken burgers and trading shares of himself on the stock market, Kohli was called up for a one-game audition for the Indian presidency.

While some of his early captaincy moves had the penetration of a microwaved picnic knife, his overall performance will be best remembered for his two slashing innings that cut through the Australian attack like a Demtel blade through a bathtub.

Straya peeps loved it, and it was ripper stuff that’s set up a salty game at the Gabba. But what were the thoughts of his paymasters at the BCCI?

After studying proceedings from a jacuzzi of rupees, they tabled their thoughts to the debut skipper via the impersonal means of a written post-match assessment delivered by courier, and in another Roar sham-exclusive, we’ve dubiously intercepted.

As you will see, while Kohli was hardly a flagrant failure in cricketing terms, it appears he came up short in a couple of the BCCI’s more important KPIs.

Selection matters
With management and the legal department having final say on the team, Mr Kohli spent most of these meetings in the nets. Nevertheless, it was an area where he made several errors of judgment.

While the touring squad has purposely packed a cartel of youthful, energetic quicks for the speedy decks of Australia, the captain erred by moving away from our ethos of team balance by not opting for a three-pronged spin attack. In addition to this, with the majority of the match being played in a healthy spirit, it was obvious the XI needed to contain more traces of Harbhajan Singh.

Feedback must also be given on the selection of wicketkeeper Wriddhiman Saha. Despite being generally tidy with bat, glove and chirp, this decision from Kohli was ill-conceived and reckless. Saha has weak marketability value and he lacks helicopters. Until he develops this audacious stroke and the personal wealth for a private helipad, he should be kept in the squad as a backup only.

We suggest that if such a necessity should arise in future, one should opt for a more suitable alternative that packs maximum commercial cut-through, like another Sharma. Or maybe an IPL mascot.

To the captain’s credit though, the decision to select Ishant Sharma was absolutely correct. He’s a great bowler who terrorised Ricky Ponting in Australia eons ago. This was deemed an inspired selection – the moment his new shoe endorsement deal was ratified by the marketing department. Four minutes prior the selection deadline.

Match day responsibilities
Kohli was impeccably presented for dignitaries and his broadcast responsibilities on game day, but he made a crude miscalculation by turning up on time for the toss.

The captain again broke protocol in the field by placing more than three slips in the cordon without prior consent from Pepsi corporation. This was a major mercantile malfeasance that was only rectified after hours of groveling to the global mega-fizzies, and thankfully they are now back on board after a peace deal was brokered.

Unfortunately, due to the terms of this deal with Pepsi, we will be docking the captain’s match fee to cover the losses incurred by signing over three IPL franchises and the copyrights to the name ‘Sachin’.

In the captain’s defence though, we are delighted with his strategies in the field. Many of his placings prioritised the protection of boundaries and the restriction of the opposition to below seven runs per over.

This is in line with the BCCI charter of treating Test matches as 10 Twenty20 matches played over five days. It was an excellent show of leadership from Kohli that could’ve only been improved had he ordered a great deal less bowling at David Warner. Once we receive the indictment dosh from the Windies, we’ll begin a program to combat this issue.

Disappointingly, Mr Kohli did not threaten to walk his team off the field when it became apparent there was an issue with the lunch order on the fourth day. We acknowledge the team was already off the field eating disappointing sandwiches at the time, so this form of protest may have been redundant. In hindsight, the captain should’ve immediately boycotted the whole tour.

Overall, notwithstanding some heartening aggression and encouraging fist-pumps, the captain’s conduct in the field was lacking ruthlessness. Should this role be bestowed upon Mr Kohli again in the event that our biology unit cannot desist the ageing process for Dhoni, we instruct him to study the behaviours of the great Indian captains and follow their example – and I’m not referring to mellow gents like Rahul Dravid.

We demand a greater desire for victory from Kohli that’s akin to an icon like Sunil Gavaskar, a man who cared not for relations between the countries, or a Mohammed Azharuddin, a man who fixed matches.

Batting
This is an aspect of the match where Kohli was nearly flawless. Nearly.

While he batted with great artistry and composure, there was a glaring absence of manufactured breaks in play to tie shoelaces, request board-approved refreshment and adjust the clips on his 1980s pad straps.

This shows that the captain requires educating on crucial elements of the game such as game awareness, match tempo and the financial benefits of manufacturing opportunities for further spot advertising.

Post-match responsibilities
Despite the match containing a minor breakout of spotfires, only a small amount of players were penalised with fines that were eventually settled with Narayanaswami Srinivasan’s Opal card.

Ultimately, there was a disappointing lack of political division between the two nations after a game generally played in good spirit. Mr Kohli is to be fully condemned for this travesty, and our only suggestion to rectify this is a sesh on the cans with Sourav Ganguly.

While the captain was below average for this match, he will return to his primary role as the Brayshaw-described ‘batting stud’ for the next Test when Mr Dhoni returns from trading.

We appreciate his contribution to the leadership in this important warmup series for the upcoming World Cup.