The Third Test was won by England in just two days and two sessions in a comprehensive thrashing, proving yet again that cricket between teams with criminally fragile batting line-ups is the best cricket of all.
Here are the ratings for the Third Test.
Sir Isaac Newton
Grade: F
If there’s one thing this Ashes series has proven, it’s that Sir Isaac Newton, father of classical physics, inventor of rainbows and discoverer of momentum was a shameless charlatan.
Going into the Second Test, England had all the alleged momentum from their Cardiff victory and were promptly thrashed by 400 runs and 10 wickets. Australia then took the purported momentum from that victory and were crushed by eight wickets inside three days in this Third Test.
Momentum is clearly not a thing. Mass times velocity? Could be anything. Or, if momentum is a thing, it’s a deeply poisonous thing. Which means that England have stupidly gained so much momentum in this Third Test, that they’ll definitely lose the next one by three innings and 9000 runs
This could well end up being the closest series of thrashings in Ashes history. The Thrashes, if you will.
Still, what an astonishing Test we’d have if we could somehow conspire for both teams to have lost the previous one.
Get to work on that, ICC!
First Day Delays
Grade: B
The highlight of the first day was not Jimmy Anderson’s six wicket haul or the resurgence of Steven Finn.
Nor was it Chris Rogers’ desperate attempt to salvage his friendship with David Warner by giving the go-ahead for a Watsonesque review. (Side note: almost all of the batting reviews in this Test were used by openers. Is it time for openers to be given a separate set of reviews to waste?)
No, the highlight of Day One was the multiple delays to the game.
Firstly, there was the sight screen sheet, which, despite the best efforts of ground staff, was not adequately hiding crowd movement.
At least, I assume that’s what Rogers kept complaining about. Perhaps he thought it was a g-g-g-g-ghost! (It wasn’t a ghost, of course, but Old Man Haddin might have got away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling batsmen.)
And, of course, there were a number of rain delays on the first day as well, which showed poor focus from England. You either take loads of cheap wickets or you make it rain. You don’t do both. Sloppy stuff.
All the delays meant that England only needed three bowlers to dismiss Australia for 136. Bad news for Ben Stokes and Moeen Ali, who must have headed for the change of innings desperately low on morale.
Moeen Ali
Grade: B-
The impact on Stokes’ morale could be seen the next morning when he was immediately bounced out by Mitchell Johnson.
It’s a well known paleontological fact that Johnson can’t see the batsmen if they don’t move. But neither Jonny Bairstow nor Stokes could heed this warning and both succumbed to a brutal over of short-pitched bowling.
When Joe Root felt sorry for Mitchell Starc’s wayward spell of bowling and stretched out to edge a loose delivery to Adam Voges, Moeen came out to bat. He, too, was down on confidence, missing delivery after delivery bowled by Nathan Lyon. Exquisitely missing them, sure. That’s his way. But missing them, nevertheless.
But during the lunch break, Moeen apparently had corrective laser eye surgery as he and Stuart Broad returned to put an end to the belated attempt at a fightback by the Australian bowlers, carrying England to 281 and a 145 run first innings lead.
Peter Nevill
Grade: A
A second collapse by the Australian top order briefly raised the possibility of a two day Test. But Peter Nevill, incredibly proud of his record of never having lost a Test match to this point, held the innings together in a desperate bid to give his bowlers something to defend on a wearing, uh, third day pitch.
At one point, early on the third day, he appeared to have perhaps edged a ball to Jos Buttler, but was given not out. Mostly, I think, because Aleem Dar wanted to teach England a lesson about wasting reviews on stupid appeals.
Then, shortly after, he nicked it again to Buttler. And not only didn’t walk but also reviewed the decision. Brilliant stuff from Nevill, who with this one bold ploy is obviously already Australia’s greatest ever wicketkeeper.
Calls for changes to the side
Grade: C
Look, we’ve already established that it was silly for everybody to get so carried away after the First Test and declare England to be certain 5-0 winners of the series.
And it was equally foolish to overreact after the Second Test and adjust our series predictions to 4-1 Australia.
But now, though, after this Test, we can all be one hundred per cent certain that the series will definitely be 4-1 England.
Given that, Australia need to make changes. Warner and Rogers can stay, having top scored for Australia in the two innings of this Test. And, while Steve Smith only averages 20.25 in odd-numbered Tests this series, the next Test is an even numbered one, where he averages 136.5.
But Australia need a new 4, 5 and 6 for the next Test. This includes a new captain. Michael Clarke was well off the pace here, not only batting poorly, but dropping a crucial catch on the final day when defending a small target. And you know what they say: “Dropped regulation slip catches make defeat even more certain in already lost Test matches.”
Weighing all that up, the new 4, 5 and 6 for the Fourth Test should clearly be Glenn Maxwell, somebody else and Glenn Maxwell with a moustache (c). That’s just common sense.
Still, regardless of what changes are made, I’m very much looking forward to the first day of the Fourth Test where we’ll find out who’ll win that one.
Harvey Wilson
Roar Rookie
It should never be Glenn Maxwell. The last thing they need is another player to throw his wicket away, al la Warner and Watson. They need stability...that isn't Maxwell's forte.
CT
Guest
They would be all Victorians. Led by Lawry and Warne.
zenn
Guest
The mooted talk of Marsh(S) for the out of vogue Voges fails to address the problem at no 4 where Clarke continues to flounder. There are four possible replacements in the touring party. Bring back Brad Haddin allowing him to play a well deserved farewell test. Bring back Watto providing the benefit of five bowlers. (four and two-halves). Elevate Mitchell (J) to four and select Peter (S). The abundance of Peters and Mitchells would streamline running between wickets and have the benefit of having 5 and a half bowlers. The final and most appealing option is of course, selecting Boof to bat at four thereby completing the circle of Boof offering to stand aside for a 22year old Michael Clarke in India 11 years ago. The idea of a captain-coach takes us back to NSW circa 1980 with Rick McCosker at the helm.
zenn
Guest
No mention of Clarke's failure to declare in the second innings which clearly would have placed the monosyllabicly named English bats under intense pressure?
Eski
Guest
So our problem is our opening batsmen not our 4 and 5 producing 145 runs combined for the series , batting is Australia's issue and in your team u have weakened the batting If you r basing dropping m.marsh off his 3 innings that means england should drop lyth , buttler and stokes is under the pump with the ball , but they r sticking and giving them time to develop which is the intelligent option
Broken-hearted Toy
Guest
So true about Moeen Ali. He played and missed a zillion times at Johnson too. Just could not nick it, then suddenly he was middling it. Very frustrating to watch. Kind of like Haddin on a lucky day.
ThugbyFan
Guest
Australia got belted for a number of reasons in the 3rd test. The No 1 reason was Captain Clarke's ridiculous call to bat first on a wicket that had been prepared to seam all day and in overcast conditions that guaranteed stupendous movement and swing. The old saying of win the toss, think then bat first always is ok for normal or wearing pitches, but sometimes it helps to use your brain and call as per the conditions. Remember the groundsmen had special lighting systems brought in to prepare the pitch after English management called for a seamer, so it was obvious what sort of pitch had been prepared. And knowing most of Australia's batting is crap in these English conditions, why the hell did he bat, especially in moist overcast conditions which favour swing with the Dukes ball? Bat second when the pitch has lost its zing and the weather has fined up and you might get a competitive score of near 300. Perhaps Clarke was relying on Lyon winning the match on the 5th day but on that pitch in those weather conditions, no game was going to last that long. The other point is that England's batting had just been pounded in the 2nd test, yet here they let them have a day or two to rest instead of throw them to the lions (Hazelwood, Johnson and Starc) in seaming and bouncing conditions. It gave the Poms a chance and in war or cricket, you never give your opponent a sniff. Its possible England would have been all out for 89 or such and Australia would have the whip hand, both playwise and mentally. Listening to ABC radio, Geoffery Boycott couldn't believe England's luck on such a dopey call. He chortled for hours on what a stupid WRONG call it was. Arthur P's team above is interesting. Agreed that Voges seems lost and out of form, personally I thought Joe Burns should have toured rather than Voges but that's not on now. So put S.Marsh in but at 1st drop as Smith is NOT a No 3 in England. The poms were not playing mental games when they said they had him worked out. His one innings of note was on a road, put early seam there and he is gone. His body is moving way too much to counter the early gross ball movement from swing and seam in England. Smith in at 4 when the ball has calmed down and he is a legend again. Interesting to drop Mitch Marsh when its the batsmen who are collapsing, so I think he needs to stay in as his bowling is pretty good and his batting, well its not great against swing but do you want to bring back Watson? I don't see much problem with the bowlers. They did well considering the English had the best of the conditions (I can hear them all saying a snide "thanks Captain!" to Clarke"). I think a little too brave to bring in Pat Cummins for M.Marsh. You don't get much more in bowling and lose lots in batting. Starc is a fabulous bowler who swings the ball violently and is almost guaranteed a wicket or two early on, but that also means a tiny error, especially when he is a bit tired late in the innings, is magnified so he appears wayward and leaks runs like a sieve. Its possible that Starc might be punted for Siddle, but I just cannot see Cummins coming in. My only other gripe, for gawd sake, put a 3rd man in when Root and Bell are batting. Its their bread and butter stroke to get off strike and gives them lots of fours also.
Michael
Roar Rookie
Johnson at 7.....I don't think our batting is the problem here.
Jay5
Guest
Hehe it's the very first time I've seen the Liebke ratings, it's class and loved your article Dan. English pitches north of Worcester, because of the atmospheric conditions mainly, can make even the greatest of batsmen look like ass-clowns. Yeah we'll see seam & swing at Trent Bridge with some turn late on too, but I believe Clarke and Smith will be close to their best there. They are class and class is permanent. As for an inclusion into the australian team, Glenn Maxwell, and what about Mick Taylor (Wolf Creek)? He despises the Poms and would be good for moral in the Aussie dressing room, maybe starting off the morning session testing Broady's knowledge of Australia! Believe me, I'm a Pom, I wouldn't even turn up on Thursdy if I was selected if Mick was starting haha. Great Thrashes series we've had so far with two to play. I can't wait for the Trent Bridge madness to start :)
Quitwhinging
Guest
Unless he comes out with a lumberjack beard and handlebar mustache the whole series will be a farce.
Quitwhinging
Guest
Draw a Johnson-style mustache on them and no-one will notice.
Shaun Hardy
Roar Rookie
Can we not drop Steve Smith until his ICC ranking drops below 1?
2211
Guest
Dan I feel you have been overly harsh on Sir Issac. After all his third law of physics states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Seems awfully appropriate for this series...
XI
Roar Guru
Any particular style of moustache for Maxwell to have for the next test? Handlebar, Pencil, Trucker, Gentleman or something outlandish?
Arthur Pagonis
Roar Guru
Only Mitch Marsh and Adam Voges will be considered for being dropped for Trent Bridge on Thursday if Australia's selector's are thinking as I am. Rod Marsh especially has wanted Mitch to succeed, but when you are not quite skilled enough, England’s seamers will kill you in England. Their double failures with the bat in English conditions, and especially their double failures in this last Test was damning. That said, Australia's top order has not produced a 100 run opening stand or many stands of any consequence outside of the Lord's innings of 550.The English bowlers in England are magnificent with the Duke Ball. That is the key factor for Australia's demise. Not that the Oz cannot bat...but that we need to bat smarter and in positive fashion like Root and Bell...which is hard to do when you are losing wickets in landslides. The run-ups of all English fast bowlers turns from a quiet jog to a galloping gazelle with murder in mind when Aussie wickets start tumbling. They become super-men! Australia's quicks could not replicate that AT BOTH ENDS in this key Edgbaston Test. That was merely a case of not bowling first, and that is a great shame to me. But Australia's batting failures in England are not a surprise to the Selectors or anyone who studies cricket closely. Matt Hoggard, Darren Gough, Freddie Flintoff, , Simon Jones, Steve Harmison, Chris Tremlett, James Anderson, Ben Stokes, Steve Finn, Mark Wood are all heroes of the English fast bowling and seam and swing bowling scene since 2003....IN ENGLAND! All those fellows have been mercilessly bashed at times on Australian grounds and hard wickets anywhere. But give them a Duke and they are world beaters of anyone who comes to English shores 9 times out of 10. The disappointing thing about Australian Batting coaches is they have never come to terms with a policy to play England in England or spinners anywhere. Mitch Marsh looks completely at sea against swing and seam in England... so why was he picked? Adam Voges has better FORM than Mike Clarke. But Clarke, unless he resigns, must play at Trent Bridge. The opportunity to meet fire with fire is there for Australia’s selectors...if they are alert. The team should be.....Warner, Rogers, Smith, S Marsh, Clarke, Nevill, Johnson, Starc, Hazelwood, Cummins, Lyon...with Mitch Marsh at 12th man.
Benjamin Conkey
Editor
A Scooby Doo reference in a cricket article. A+
Dan Liebke
Expert
I was going to suggest maybe bringing in Lanning and Perry to bolster the batting.
Dan Liebke
Expert
Thanks Scott. Yes, the White Line Wireless stuff is good fun.
Zim Zam
Roar Rookie
Haha, love it. Thanks Dan, that cheered me up.
Brian
Guest
Haha Glenn Maxwell with a moustache alongside Mitchell Johnson with a moustache Oh boy