When Brett Lee isn’t calling the cricket, he spends his ad breaks flogging off health insurance in a role as a mentor who instructs a gawky protege batsman to cast off his obvious shortcomings and “just smack it”. It’s real Churchillian stuff.
Oddly though, despite the retired quick’s sponsored mantra appearing exclusively in an Australian commercial for an Australian product available only in Australia, somehow his profound advice has even reached the Kiwis.
Minus a few peaceful recesses, Sri Lanka’s recently completed tour of the Long White Cloud involved so much smacking by the Black Caps batsmen that it was only a few pairs of Lederhosen and a yodel away from qualifying as a traditional Bavarian folk dance.
If you missed it – and you’re a sadist – then read on.
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Last Sunday at Eden Park was a bloodbath. In what was supposed to be a 20-over fixture, the hosts romped home with nitrous oxide, their men falling over themselves breaking records as their collective engine accelerated from zero to 147 in ten measly overs.
This followed on from other feats of freakishness across two one-day internationals at Hagley Oval – 191 chased down in 21 overs, and 118 for no loss using an incomprehensible 8.2 overs.
Considering the Sri Lankans had only gone to bed three hours prior, it was hardly hospitable behaviour. In fact, it was utterly ruthless and borderline inhumane.
Sure, some have claimed the Kiwi chases were achieved against a pop-gun attack inside a loungeroom, but they were some of the best chases against a pop-gun attack inside a loungeroom you’re ever likely to see.
I can only assume Mike Hesson and his troops are hell-bent on transitioning to life after Brendon McCullum in a manner that pays homage to the impatient dynamo’s shtick – by completing the task at warp freakin’ speed.
At the heartbeat of the Black Caps’ hoopla is Martin Guptill. Scientifically speaking, he is currently batting with a door. Heaven help the world if he ever cracks cricket’s intra-format code and realises the ball’s the same shape when it’s red.
His rapid summer has included New Zealand’s fastest ODI fifty, plus 20 minutes with the nation’s quickest T20 fifty until Colin Munro got greedy and had to rudely make a name for himself.
So now you know. New Zealand’s short-form batting is currently fair dinkum frightening. Not only that, it’s also bloody impatient and quite Patrick Batemen-esque for the way it presents savagery in a stylish package.
Naturally, a hyperbolic review such as this always provokes the usual questions: do New Zealand networks show MASH when a game finishes early? And are the Black Caps able to carry this ferocity into the next major international tournament and feature large?
I am intrigued to see if they can administer the same barbarism upon Pakistan and then Australia beforehand. Then it’s off to the World T20 to try and cash their credits on the unforgiving subcontinent, but that joint never makes life easy.
Nevertheless, with Guptill and their batting horsepower complemented by a pace battery of Matt Henry, Adam Milne and Mitchell McClenaghan, they are way more than smoky value.
Nick
Guest
Did the T20 WC already start? Jeeez, nobody but you noticed
Nick
Guest
Considering your guys have shown plenty of weakness against the moving ball Id suggest wishing for more aussie roads
Prosenjit
Guest
Kiwis are yet to move somewhere near world domination.
Clark
Guest
NZs middle order was poor last night, but Pakistans bowling was class, credit has to go to them with the way they tied down the NZ batters
bigbaz
Roar Guru
World domination didn't last long
Prosenjit
Guest
Don't worry that much,they're beaten by pakistan today.
Blake Standfield
Roar Guru
They're great at smacking average bowling attacks around on their tiny grounds but Australia and India have more talented and far more dangerous batting lineups.
bigbaz
Roar Guru
If only Sri Lanka had sledged them.
Riccardo
Guest
We are likely to be a lot more competitive at home, especially with more cricket under our belts. But Southee's injury and Boult's form are a major concern; they appear to have fallen off their accuracy and ability to work together in recent times but they remain a formidable opening combination. But we will fight across both formats and at least be more competitive than the Windies. As a fan here I can say we are looking forward to having the quality of the Australian team on display on our postage stamps.
Wasted1
Guest
I think we will know a little more of there hitting ability after playing Pakistan. That being said i'm predicting a repeat of the ODI world cup final. I know it's the subcontinent where both teams have struggled, but i really do think Aus and NZ are just a class apart with the way they have been playing limited overs cricket recently.
Wasted1
Guest
They have an idea of turning Western Springs into a boutique test ground in Auckland. It hasn't got past the first stage though as to allow it to happen they wanted to force the NZ Warriors League team to lease out North Harbour/Eden Park so they could move the speedway from western springs to Mt Smart. Naturally this created a huge uproar from both speedway and league fans and as such nothing has happened so far and for the foreseeable future.
Ken
Guest
They certainly are fielding a strong team at the moment, looking forward to the Aussies touring there. That said, I credit their mauling of Sri Lanka with as much significance as our mauling of the Windies.
Clark
Guest
Actually Eden is the only truely small ground, why Auckland hasn't invested in an International cricket stadium is beyond me
Paul D
Roar Guru
I know it's been often said, and I don't think it matters when the batsmen are clearing the ropes by 20 metres, but some of those grounds in New Zealand are freaking tiny. That has to help with the run scoring. On the subject of Kiwi batting, check out one of robelinda's new videos, McCullum smashes Southee for 4 sixes. Happened in the domestic T20 comp and the first six is absolutely brutal. Shimmies down the wicket and belts him out of the stadium altogether.
Clark
Guest
As opposed to every single deck in Australia being a road. PS NZ won at Eden Park just so you know. And it will be an absolute sweep when you lot stop hiding away at home for once
Craig Swanson
Guest
They were not smacking the Aussie attack to all parts in the ODI world cup. Nor in the test series. They are only flat track bullies on their decks because they are curated to be flat tracks to accommodate them. Same as we do here. The test series will be a whole different matter. With decks expected to offer swing and seam movement this short two tester will be no place for flat track bullies.
Stucco
Guest
It's concerning that in many of his innings Guptill has had an early life before getting going. Even in that last T20 his first shot went up over cover, and he was just lucky that the fielder didn't turn around and try for it rather than leaving it to long-off. I doubt that the Aussies will be quite so generous in their fielding! Also the Sri Lankan bowling, Chameera aside, was very weak. Pakisatn should be a greater test for our batting line-up. That is, unless Chris Cairns gets to the Pakistanis first......
peter chrisp
Guest
Well it will be interesting to see how we Aussie's will perform on New Zealand's home soil, although it's only early stages our batting lineup on paper looks quite good but our "new" bowling stocks will that get us over the line, and the way the New Zealanders hammered the Sri Lankers, will they inflict a similar pain especially our bowlers? Either way i am looking forward to it.
Ron Swanson
Roar Guru
Agree Dane, more than a dark horse in a very tough group at T20 WC. Williamson plays the perfect foil for the aforementioned savages. They also have the handy Neesham to come back along with Corey Anderson. If Southee and Boult were fit they will be even more dangerous. Add old pros like Grant Elliott and Ross Taylor equals a pretty fair side on paper.
phil_ivey
Guest
I wouldn't expect either Guptil or Munro to be as dominate against a world class bowling line up such as Australia. Almost all of Guptill's best innings have come against the weaker bowling line ups such as the Windies and Sri Lanka. But if they can fire then it should be a close ODI series. I would still expect them to do ok against Pakistan, though it's been so long since they've played NZ outside the sub continent it's hard to know exactly what to expect. Definitely a real shame that Boult is so out of form with the ball, and that Southee is injured. Mitch and Milne have done ok against SL but against Warner, Maxwell, Finch el al I expect them to be little more than cannon fodder. Henry should do some damage but we will see. Australia without Starc should hopefully see a more even contest than pre Christmas.