Some distressing intelligence has been brought to my attention. Nearly three-quarters of Australia’s squad for the New Zealand tour have never worn a jandal-crusher nor shied at a chully bun in all of their professional cricketing lives.
That’s right, of the 14 fine young gents selected for this tour of duty in Australia’s seventh state, only Steve Smith, David Warner and Mitchell Marsh have attacked a ball in anger on the gorgeous emerald arenas which await them.
Is this terminal for our chances? Of course it isn’t. But should we be really, really panicking, like ‘boarding up our windows and looting the city’ style of panicking? Of course we should.
Respected pundits have assessed this tour from an Australian point of view as a tough-yet-crackable walnut. However, I believe it’s wrinkly outer casing is camouflaging a greasy banana peel.
After growing fat on a diet of high-carb batting tracks in the Australian summer and with minimal experience on Kiwi soil, I’m whiffing there’ll be some familiar calamity involved somewhere for our batsmen- and you know the type of repressed memory I’m referring to.
As we all know, the baggy green possesses mystical powers. It can instil belief when all is lost, inspire some of the most vile sledging known to man, and best of all, it can protect half of an Australian cricketer’s forehead from sun exposure and errant Spidercams. It’s a special entity.
But another of it’s magical traits is its random capacity to thoroughly strip its wearer of their ability to bat. This tends to strike considerably more when in foreign conditions, and when so, usually in pandemic proportions with calamitous outcomes.
Two of the most famous instances of this mesmerising spell taking hold were The Great Trent Bridge Calamity of 2015 and The Mighty Cape Town Debacle of 2011. I’m not going to tell you how many runs were scored in either innings, because you seem like a nice person.
To put it accurately, these were two of the most shameful episodes in Australian history. It jeopardised important global alliances, shaved billions of dollars off our share markets and made schoolkids fat. The country has never fully recovered, and there’s blood on the baggy greens’ hands.
When newcomers are charged with a licence of aggression in surrounds of fierce interrogation, this disease can render our professional batsmen so poor that it can make a village team spew. Interestingly though, the issue only seems to have grown increasingly episodic in modern times.
Back in the golden olden days, crazy shit like this never happened. But while our superhuman teams of the 90s were known for wrapping up matches early, our current day teams are sometimes doing exactly the same- just sinfully, and with less effort and opposite results.
So can we expect another historical implosion at some point in New Zealand? My pessimistic opinion on this is in the affirmative.
With our band of high-confidence slashers in unknown climes, it will only require the Kiwi curators to produce just one of their trademark lush surfaces. Even one will still be one more than Australia’s had to navigate with a red ball this summer.
Will this be enough to kill the tourists’ chances altogether? It’s hard to say. But it’s going to be uphill against a team who rarely loses at home these days, especially since Chris Cairns has hung up his twelve mobile phones. And I’m sure the Brendon McCullum farewell tour will provide even further thrust.
As to the immediate answer for this conundrum, as per usual, I’ve got nothing. It’s just fact that when away from home, Australia produces some of it’s lowest work. You can’t biff on with science; unfortunately, there’s something about international flight travel that bastardises their batting techniques.
Is there something anyone can do to help avert another chapter in Australia’s book of two-digit scores?
Don’t look at me- I’ve already done my bit. I extensively searched for any Australians with extensive experience in New Zealand conditions, but all I could find was Luke Ronchi.
I’m pretty sure he’s already booked to be doing something else while we’re over there anyway.
DingoGray
Roar Guru
Mr Eldridge I hope you are proud of yourself! http://www.espncricinfo.com/new-zealand-v-australia-2015-16/engine/match/914231.html This debacle is purely and simply on your head my friend! Would you please take the MOCK's somewhere else!
Sanjay Poojar
Guest
Bring back Sachin
Melvin Pukely
Guest
Bring back the legendary Blair Pocock. Now there was a player.
Melvin Pukely
Guest
Now that's funny. (I've gotta admit that I laughed) What is the correct form of address for a kiwi in a suit ? The Defendant.
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
So it was bowling conditions and Marsh just performed bad as a bowler? Despite the fact that he has a great bowling record at test level and a poor batting record at test level, it's more likely to you that in a game where he batted well and bowled poorly and both teams scored close to 7 runs an over, it was bowling conditions?
Don Freo
Guest
You are looking at it the same way. Anti-Marsh. Looking at it another way would say it was bowling conditions.
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
Let's look at this another way. Marsh has been bowling quite well in test cricket. Possibly well enough to command a spot at 8 (but that brings up the problem of no effective bowling option at 6). Last night in the same game he scored 100, he went for 8 an over and took a single wicket. Has he become a poor bowler? Hardly. It was just batting conditions.
SP
Guest
"New Zealand would have won here had it not been for Australia’s lucky 12th men" Loser talk. Sure it's got nothing to do with NZ vastly over-rating themselves and being quite a poor side? Of course not. It's always someone else's fault when playing a team from where victim-hood is a subject taught in school
SP
Guest
"Kiwi newspapapers claimed only 4 Australians would make an NZ XI." ha ha. I remember that. Even after the first test they were still talking themselves up as world beaters. Not sure why. They have a single world class player in Williamson. The rest are journeymen at best.
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
Agreed. Australia's batsmen are not up to performing in good bowling conditions. Nothing has changed there.
Scrum
Guest
Re McCullum did I state anything untrue- he does exhibit excellent sportsmanship. I just wish a little would rub off onto the comments that are incessantly made in all forms of NZ media. And what makes the anti Aussie culture in NZ hard to understand is the fact that 650,000 Kiwis live in Australia-15% of NZ population or equivalent to the combined populations of Wellington, Hamilton & Dunedin. Compare that to 60,000 Aussies in NZ.Fancy that ,choosing to live in that horrible country with those horrible people-and unlike the rest of the world no work visa required. And also that NZ teams have been accepted into Australian Domestic Comps(league, Football & Basketball). Who would suffer the most if this was not the case. Perhaps my running off at the mouth is the result of getting weary of seeing Australia bagged at every opportunity while Kiwis readily accept all the advantages. Not expecting gratitude but not expecting abuse either. But perhaps I should realise that Kiwis are the real "victims" being treated so badly,after all are they not entitled to these benefits that no other country receives.
Darwin Stubbie
Guest
Perhaps those kiwis you enjoy making fun of detest you for it ...
Derek Murray
Guest
Hi Moaman, I don't want to pour petrol on this but now I'm lost. What did I miss with your comment? It read to me like you were unhappy because the author wrote something (CC 12 phones) insinuating that a kiwi cricketer was guilty of match fixing. Was that not what was intended? If there was another more complex meaning I need to be enlightened
Don Freo
Guest
The Aussies will be underdone this coming series. After the series against The Windies and the even weaker Kiwis, 2/3 of the Oz side hasn't batted all summer. Underdone.
Bobbo7
Guest
I expect NZto push Australia very hard in NZ. In the last series NZ were underdone and played rubbish in Brisbane but we're very competitive the next two games. NZ has had a lot more cricket under its belt and should be ready to fire in February. I can't see Boult, Southee, Guptill, McCullum and Taylor playing so poorly again (other than Taylor's big innings in WA he did very little)
Forest Gimp
Guest
Settle petal. T'was just a light hearted stir, not a declaration of hostilities. And for the record: Have you seen Nigel Llong and Stevic in the same room at the same time? or considered that in a butterfly wing / chaos theory fashion Stevic's appalling decisions will alter umpiring throughout the world for the rest of time? The truth is out there, but it can't whistle.
Zero Gain
Guest
Nah, we just make fun of you while Kiwis openly detest Australians and are very derogatory. Just read the comments on the Roar in rugby to clearly see that. It's very ugly, e.g. See Wardads comment about Lillee below... As for the cricket, I think NZ have a very good chance of winning. They have a pretty good team with some outstanding batsmen. The weather may decide if we get actual results though.
moaman
Roar Guru
Derek---perhaps when YOU grow up your reading comprehension level will be such that you will then be able to interpret my comment correctly.........until then,maybe ask for some help,eh?
Don Freo
Guest
I knew someone would come up with that. That why I ask you to detail the decisions. I can name indisputable decisions and I can name the questionable umpire. In cricket they are neutral umpires. I suspect the questionable decisions in the Oz/NZ series alluded to were not game changing at all...just questionable. The Stevic decisions were explained, acknowledged as wrong and absolutely game changing. Have you got anything else? This effort failed dismally.
Forest Gimp
Guest
Those are valid questions Don. I think the answer to part B is: Stevic (apologies if it's spelled with a 'k') and the answer to part A is: every decision or non decision he's made since birth. Do I win the sports car or a holiday in Merimbula caravan park?