From this day forth, the current selectors are instructed to immediately cease selecting.
Selecting will now be performed by new selectors, with a new panel to be made up of everyone and anyone who doesn’t sit on the current panel. Capiche?
That’s right, moderately desperate times call for overly desperate measures from people unequipped to perform such measures, and that’s why I’m proposing to tap the shoulders of the current gaggle of goofy geese, send them off to in to the lawn-bowls sunset and replace them with you.
Yeah, you. The real brains of Australian cricket. Because it’s about time this job was done proper-like.
More cricket:
» India will win the World Twenty20
» I’m calling ‘stumps’ on this summer of discontent
» Players to watch in Sheffield Shield
» How’s this for a Test World Cup idea? (Part 1)
» Selectors should not be commentators
» The Liebke Ratings: New Zealand versus Australia first ODI
Whether you’re a cool head, pitchfork waver, keyboard basher or indifferent bohemian, you’ve got yourself a gig on my new national selection panel.
Congratulations on your appointment – now prepare to take these oily reins and get working on this depressing pig-sty of broken visions.
After our loss on Wednesday to New Zealand, it has become clearly apparent that Australian cricket is breathtakingly dysfunctional. This is solely due to the organisation’s insistence on the outdated method of relying on the intuitiveness of old dudes for team composition.
Up until Eden Park, employing a few old steamers from the boys’ club to pick names out of the hat was a policy that not only served Australian cricket well, it’s also served old steamers very well. For example, Rod Marsh secretly owns the titles to Western Australia.
But now, these arrangements have obviously soured.
So the time has come to drop everything and listen to me. Cricket Australia, James Sutherland and whoever’s there on better pay than me, I’m urging you to move confidently in to the 21st Century and try some new s**t.
And the new s**t is the people.
As is common knowledge, when they’re winning and doing it politely, the Australian Cricket team is the people’s team, and when they’re not, they’re Rodney’s team. Right now, Australian cricket is sitting in a portfolio alongside Western Australia.
To fix this, my radical blueprint proposes the people’s team be shifted permanently back under the caring jurisdiction of the people. This is because the man in the street knows best, cares most and charges least, plus Warney’s unavailable due to crusading for televised sex in the African jungle.
So to the powersuits at the head offices in Jolimont, time to get up and about.
Get off your neatly pressed trousers and devise a membership program for Australian cricket fans that gives us a say in the running of our team.
Charge a small fee, pacify us with a lanyard and a hat, and when team selection comes up, use the bloody CommBank Viewers’ Verdict for something slightly more meaningful than a poll on fast food preference.
An official voice for the public on team selection. It’s internet, it’s word-of-mouth, it’s Facebook, it’s the vibe. Funky, yeah?
Why wouldn’t it work? Just take a look at the winter codes, where footy clubs defer to the people all the time. A more serene and stable bunch of operations you would have to travel far to find.
What could possibly go wrong?
But of course, it would be remiss to not acknowledge the inherent dangers that come with democracy, and Australia is not immune.
Our past is a chequered with shameful names-elect such as Clive Palmer, Pauline Hanson and Shannon Noll. But I feel we’ve learned our lesson.
Didn’t we feel an aching sense of collective remorse after realising we’d given Tony Abbott a start? Did we refuse to allow Hot Dogs to win Big Brother?
The writing is on the wall – we are ready for this.
And besides, what other choice do we have when the current model is enjoying Defcon One disapproval levels? Kicking the selectors has become a sport that could qualify for inclusion at Rio. It’s got to stop.
In Australian cricket selection policy, it’s high time for radical, unreasonable and unrealistic change. Throw the selection process open to the people, or be damned to an eternity of rambling explanations and elite drink-runners.
Craig Swanson
Guest
I liked the piece and I can see where you are coming from. I agree make the Aussie cricket fan the selector. Reckon we would get it right more often than Rod and his bunch do. IMO there is a great deal of bias and state preference in some selections.But I am not going into specifics out of fear of facing a law suit.
CricFan
Guest
Sarcasm of the author aside, but since it is a national team, let people decide it democratically! After all, it's the people who pay for the existence of this entity. Why should we depend on the whims of selected few and some of whom can be bigots, incompetent or simply clueless to make such decisions?
Simoc
Guest
In reality I should be the sole selector. I get it right everytime and am totally immune from criticism eg I don't read it.
Timmuh
Roar Guru
Just make Brad McNamara the sole selector.
Forest Gimp
Guest
Sharon 'what about me' Noll lost his election to a short hermaphrodite with big hair. ps: I hate myself for knowing this factoid.
Forest Gimp
Guest
Sharon 'what about me' Noll lost the election to a short hermaphrodite with big hair. ps: I hate myself for knowing this factoid.
Andrew
Guest
No really Smocks Folder, though it's hard to decipher Dane Article on the roar but I got the gist of it.. a little of it...haha.
Alex Wood
Roar Guru
Good read, good fun and a valid point in all of it. Thanks Dane.
Jameswm
Guest
Our batsmen were indeed world beaters in those games.
Smocks Folder
Guest
So completely missed it then, huh?
While we're at it
Guest
You know you are in trouble in a 1 dayer when you are pinning your hopes on AnyonebutMatthewWade to score some runs for you. Somehow we flog India 4-1 after they bomb the 4th match and we think we are world beaters. Whilst ranked no 1 in 50 over format, most of the points for that were built up a long time ago by very different players. Could I be chairman of selectors and put a permanent line through M Wade and K Richardson, selections which will go down in history as mind boggling to say the least (I believe K Richardsons father may be the solicitor who handled the conveyance of WA title to Rod Marsh).
The Gurgler
Roar Guru
Great read, and surely we couldn't get much worse. I suggested sms voting for batting and bowling line ups to spice up the recent Windies test series but was told that was too ridiculous.
Jameswm
Guest
By whom? Roarers or Bacchus?
Pepper Jack
Guest
Can't wait for the Test team to be picked on Big Bash form
DingoGray
Roar Guru
Wisdom like this is why we are a great country! I'll lead the pitchfork waver, keyboard basher or indifferent bohemian on our march to JOLIMONT! Who's with me?
Andrew
Guest
I read your Article Dane, even though I didn't really understood it. I believe it was sarcasm in the fullest order. My first name is Dane also, many people think I'm a smart**s also.