The news that Foxtel and Channel Nine have secured the rights to cricket’s ICC World T20 is a bitter blow for Australian cricket fans.
Until that announcement was made, there had been hope that Australians would be denied the spectacle of Steve Smith’s men spiralling to the inevitable shame of a group stage exit.
But now, every failure will be broadcast in cruel HD and, even more appallingly, commentated in gruesome detail by a no doubt incredulous Nine commentary team. Australia’s disappointing showing may even be so dire as to render Slats, Heals and Brayshaw incapable of promoting the special encore screening of Here Come The Habibs more than five or six times each innings.
It’s pretty devastating stuff. Without this senseless television broadcast being forced upon us, Australian fans could have instead enjoyed imagining their T20 squad firing on all cylinders.
How easy it would have been to envisage the brute power of Shane Watson combining with the exquisite timing of Usman Khawaja at the top of the order in a way that no opposition bowling attack could tame and no quick singles could sully.
With such a blistering foundation to build on, picturing the new three/four combination of David Warner and Steve Smith grumpily power-hitting their way through the middle overs would have been simplicity itself.
And it would have been utterly elementary to visualise the death overs, with Glenn Maxwell, Mitch Marsh and James Faulkner unleashing all their batting tricks, knowing they had nothing to lose and much more than nothing to gain. How could any other team’s bowlers stop this conceptual rampage? Answer: They couldn’t.
And then when it came time for the Australian bowlers to defend the massive total the Australian batsmen had so fantastically amassed, it would have been straightforward to see in one’s mind’s eye John ‘The Duke’ Hastings and Josh ‘of Hazzard’ Hazlewood taking the new ball and tearing the opposition top order to pieces.
Perhaps Australian fans could also have pictured Peter Nevill diving left and right, snaring catches that fully justified the selection of a specialist keeper who can barely be bothered sledging. Or maybe they’d have brainstormed scenarios in which Nevill’s lightning-quick hands stumped opposition tail-enders stranded down the pitch, baffled by the fabricated guile of young Adam Zampa.
Outstanding fielding in the ring, saving singles and causing chaotic opposition run outs? Acrobatic outfielding, preventing boundaries and plucking improbable catches? Out of the box captaincy, always two steps ahead of anything other nations could come up with? All these imaginary components could have been combined to form the perfect Australian game.
Oh, sure. Perhaps some Australian fans might have had a different preferred XI. Perhaps they’d rather imagine Aaron Finch teeing off with the field up in the opening overs. Or they’d choose to think about Andrew Tye outfoxing batsmen determined to go after him. Or whoever else one might want to picture playing their part. That’s perfectly okay. It’s a long tournament to envision, and every member of the squad would have been expected to play their illusionary role.
What a tale it would have been. The lowly Australians – currently ranked eighth, just behind Sri Lanka, England and the cast of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here – hypothetically taking on the giants of T20 International cricket and giving them imaginary drubbings in an apocryphal run to world supremacy. What an underdog story we could have collectively invented, with fictional ticker tape parades for everybody involved.
“Remember the time India needed two runs to win and Steve Smith threw the ball to Watto, who bowled a double wicket maiden, despite having torn his bicep in half while absent-mindedly asking for an unavailable review while batting?” we’d reminisce to one another in years to come.
“That was amazing!” one another would reply to us. “And how about the time Maxwell blasted 97 off 29 balls despite arriving at the crease without his bat!”
“How did Maxi do that?” we’d rhetorically ask, still astonished at the memory we’d jointly fabricated. “And how about Zampa taking nineteen wickets for the series, all run out off his face! Who knew that was actually a skill he’d been developing?”
“Good of the ICC to change the rules to credit the bowler for those kinds of run outs,” we’d nod wisely to one another.
And so on and so forth, reminiscing happily about Australia’s greatest every mythological success in an ICC tournament.
But now? It’s all gone. Instead, we’ll be forced to confront the sober reality of an unsettled Australian squad, still unsure who their best team is, playing in the conditions that suit them least, in a format they’ve never embraced, at a tournament they’ve never understood.
Damn you, Foxtel. May you rot in hell, Channel Nine. Your selfish determination to broadcast this tournament has dashed every Australian cricket fan’s dreams. I hope you’re happy.
daniel
Guest
Gold... just... gold. I can actually feel the seething anger he must be feeling as he types this! Jwedlake.. if you really want to get mad, you should watch monty python sometime. The things they say about parrots will get you insanely worked up!
Brains of a bimbo (Atgm)
Guest
one another would reply to us. “And how about the time Maxwell blasted 97 off 29 balls despite arriving at the crease without his bat!” This is the funniest thing ive read iml
Talisman
Guest
Absolutely - and for those too young to have heard it, you missed the best cricket commentators ever. Throw in Alan McGilvray, Henry Blofell, Christopher Martin-Jenkins & Trevor Bailey - even the (common) rain interruptions banter was worth listening to.
Geoff from Bruce Stadium
Guest
Part of me misses the days when we could only hear cricket on the radio - when John Arlott, Freddie Truman and Trevor Bailey would wax lyrical about the state of play as we struggled to stay awake listening to test cricket in England - "In comes Dennis Lillee from the Vulture Street end .... shirt tails flapping in the breeze ....". I still recall listening to Trevor Bailey describing a Paul Sheahan innings when he faced an English attack headed by Derek Underwood for about an hour on a real turner as "the most beautiful duck I've ever seen". The TV commentary today is just lamentable in comparison.
Fiddlesticks
Guest
England always over rated just like the EPL
ThugbyFan
Roar Guru
Comedy Gold Dan. And no mention of "Demon" Ash Agar, trapping India all out for 37 as he gets 9 wickets for 8 runs because the Indians actually thought there might be a bit of spin to his offbreaks on this pitch. Stamped and Guaranteed by Mohali's Best Groundsman as a spinner's paradise, we optic-challenged non-viewers could listen, in our mind's ear, to the groans as the poor Indian batsmen play each of Ashton's offies for a minimum turn of 10-20 cm, never realising that Ash's best ever break was about 1.2 mm.
Monitor lizard
Guest
I give this a 1 for its logic, but damn, the guy writes so well, an 8 for the prose. Shame the reasoning was amiss on this one, but sure Dan will get the next one right if his other work is anything to go by.
Bee bee
Guest
Perhaps I am a donkey but I was not quite sure what this article was trying to articulate. I think the general theme is. 1. We have virtually no chance to win this T20 cup. 2. It is thus preferable to pretend we won and make up our own fantasy result. 3. Point 2 was articulated with a fair amount of sarcasm. Perhaps even the Complex linguistic technique known as reverse sarcasm. 4. This would indicate that the author actually is happy we can watch this T20 World Cup. (Maybe?) Dan. Just to clarify for all the donkeys out there. Are you actually happy we can now watch this thing?
Forest Gimp
Guest
Seriously though, can Steve Smith steer cattle? Can anyone on the squad? Do they have a specialist cattle steering coach? And if not, why not?
Bolter
Guest
Considering Australia's T20 record, I reckon I whould need $3.50 before I would bet on them getting out of their group.
Brendon the 1st
Guest
Who is this Max Glenwell you've got opening with Glen Maxwell Dan?
Chris
Guest
One of the weird things about team sports, sometimes despite the individual talent they just cant work together. Englands soccer team from the mid 90s is an obvious example.
DingoGray
Roar Guru
Please come back Jwedlake.... I didn't think any of Dan's stuff could make me laugh any harder. He's a funny guy and I've had a couple of instances of just a drop of wee in my pants from laughing that hard..... But then my dear friend you come along! With some of the funniest stuff in a long time! Really giving Dan a run for his money. And your not even trying! That's an unbelievable talent you have there. You really need to harness it.
TheCunningLinguistic
Guest
Another cracker, Dan- please keep up the good work! "“Remember the time India needed two runs to win and Steve Smith threw the ball to Watto, who bowled a double wicket maiden, despite having torn his bicep in half while absent-mindedly asking for an unavailable review while batting?” we’d reminisce to one another in years to come." Scarily, this event could easily come to pass... although the second part seems more likely than the first!
Tom
Guest
Its not just Brayshaw. Slater and Healy are totally clueless, Lee adds nothing of value and Ian Chappell becomes more and more deranged with every passing year. They need a cleanout.
TheCunningLinguistic
Guest
I couldn't agree more. I've always found donkeys to be superb herders that I can identify with, possibly because I am such an ass.
TheCunningLinguistic
Guest
Ha, I concur. It's the simple things in life, and this comment is, well, quite simple...
Praveen
Guest
I don't like brayshaw as he is too biased towards guys like maxwell but then almost all Commentators have their favotiee like Taylor for Warner or moody for the marsh brothers, I am just grateful they are showing the tournament and I can't wait
astro
Guest
"Thanks god you are not the captain of the Australian team"... Got me thinking of what Dan would do if he were Captain...Just pick Maxwell to play 1 on 11? Bring Hauritz out of retirement? Demand Nigel Llong and Richard Illingworth umpire every game? Pick and team entirely made up of guys named Mitchell? The possibilities are endless...
The real SC
Roar Rookie
Channel 9 was once good with Tony Greig, Bill Lawry & Richie. They have been fantastic commentators back in the 70s right until Tony's death in Dec 2012 and Benaud's passing in Apr 2015. Now they have Brayshaw and he continues to talk the most disgusting biased garbage. Brayshaw adds nothing but hot air. The commentary for 9 is quite stale in my opinion. I hope that Ten could win the rights for 2018/19 season. Nine has ruined another summer of cricket with too much pop up ads.