Down times at Souths? Their fans should be grateful, and here's why

Those indelible images of South Sydney’s drought-snapping title only seem like yesterday. The Goanna to seal it, followed by some kind of British puffer fish weeping, and then the subsequent dick-waving of overwrought fans in the background of live news crosses.

It sure was special times.

Can you believe Souths were riding the crest of a dominant wave so recently that Dylan Walker’s premiership ring is yet to hit the ocean floor?

These iconic memories are still so fresh on the senses.

Sam Burgess’s pulped visage sprouting leaks, Greg Inglis effective, and celebrations turning weird in a toasty Spring climate belying the matchbox-sized human helicopters spinning on our television screens.

I don’t know about you, but I never expected that domineering Rabbitohs outfit to ever fade. Sure, I prayed for its banishment to a whole range of deities, but I assumed we were stuck with it for good.

With such unassailable power both on and off the park, their indefinite sovereignty of the NRL seemed a given. No wonder the faithful were so delirious, delighted and disrobed.

But look around now. In rapid time, South Sydney’s lethal promise has deteriorated from sawn-off to Nerf gun.

Not only have they meekly lost five on the trot, personnel is fleeing for the hills, and the only pants being removed are the ones being embarrassed off their vaunted defence almost weekly.

In addition, their belligerent attack is stultified in a glass case of overburdening instruction, and their assured premiership dynasty has miserably failed at one.

All of this wretched destruction has their fans harking back to better times, like the expulsion years of 2000-2001.

However, to those disillusioned supporters who are so unselfishly giving up their seats in The Burrow for the pigeons, I’m here to help by conducting the organisation’s 145th honesty session of the season.

Yes, I’m here to tell you all to shut up and quit complaining because life isn’t as bad as you are making out. If you look at things in a different light, you’re enjoying a wonderful season overwhelmed with a host of positives.

Just like these:

1. You’re not Newcastle, you’re not Parramatta, and you’re better than the Roosters
Your team is 5-11 and only one highly unlikely streak of wins from the playoff positions. You may see this as snot in a jar, but it’s really high-quality, nutrient-laden snot when you consider there are competing clubs incapable of even blowing their noses.

Like the Knights, are you going through the motions of weekly failure like the routine sex of a loveless marriage? Not yet.

Like Parramatta, do you make illegal payments to your players? Probably, but you’re yet to be apprehended.

On top of this, you’re so far in front of your cross-town rivals that they’ve resorted to desperately taking your hand-me-downs.

So people, please, some perspective. Have you all forgotten the famous words of former Rabbits winger Oscar Wilde?

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us can afford under-performing stars.”

There’s something in that for all us.

2. Michael Maguire has finally gone soft
A man once so acutely intense that he was unaware his car had been burgled, Maguire has finally come around to the normal people by bowing to that sweet, unselfish Gen Y honesty we all know so well.

And not only is he now a much more palatable human being, haven’t the players responded positively to the change they demanded?

There’s no doubt that under his clenched-jaw despot ways, the club was rapidly heading in the wrong direction; to stability, competitiveness, finals, etc.

Sure, his new pillow-like image may have the team rudderless, unmotivated and inept, but at least the players- what’s left of them- are happy and relaxed and in the driver’s seat.

Unless you’re into material possessions like trophies, that’s sure to make you smile.

3. Sam Burgess hasn’t taken up the entire salary cap
The big Englishman was lured back from rugby with a contract large enough to cover OzLotto division one. But don’t fear – despite taking up a significant majority of all player funds allocated, he didn’t take the entire lot.

Sure, the club had to sell off some of its people to make the acquisition. Sure, there’s only enough left over for a Happy Meal. Sure, your new Burgesses are Joe now.

But at the end of the day, the best forward in rugby league who’s been playing another game for the last 18 months is officially yours.

Now that’s something that deserves widespread applause, provided your applause is free because the club has just had to switch to solar.

4. Kirisome Auva’a did not inhale
The premiership centre is in deep doo-doo, and for what?

The bloke might’ve contravened drug testing policy twice, but he’s got nothing to hide.

Auva’a repeatedly failing testing requirements for illicit substances has now unfairly associated the club’s spotless repute with the drug world.

Now fans are rashly crying out for a return to the good old days when the only scandals were about how George Burgess managed to carry that thing around without the aid of a wheelchair.

Take heart, Souths fans. Just because of this Auva’a controversy, and that minor sleeping tablet episode, the club does not have a drug culture. It just has a recent history involving a number of players who have abused mind-altering substances.

Allegedly.

5. Luke Keary is leaving
Hells bells, finally the club can free itself of the playmaker who has been dragging the place down ever since he helped win a premiership.

This is such a boon for the organisation.

Now your rampaging benders of pre-season can rightfully return to their previous form; as a forum fir Russell Crowe to talk about himself and freely belittle players in front of the entire organisation without fear of rebuttal.

I expect this remedial move to bear fruit from next pre-season onwards. Which is a massive blow for the taxi industry of Coffs Harbour.