I don’t know how Jarryd Hayne thinks, and frankly, neither does he. This probably explains why he defers to childhood fantasy when it comes to major life decisions.
But today, I am here to implore the man to ignore the multiple destinations in his Sat-Nav of dreams, and to scorn the well-rounded advice from those close to him like family, Wayne Beavis and Jesus.
For his next journey, I want to see Hayne rebuff the Eels and take his talents to the Newcastle Knights.
Never mind that he doesn’t want to be there, and that the Knights have expressed no interest in his services whatsoever. For the good of them both, someone needs to conjure a dowry and force these two in to an arranged marriage immediately.
In basic terms, the fusion of Hayne and The Hunter is a no-brainer if both are serious about steering clear of guaranteed hell. One would acquire prize livestock to assist with arresting a slovenly slump, while the other would avoid Parramatta.
Let’s be honest. Besides the extravagant salary, what does Hayne need with his former club? And besides the rare thrill of having something constructive occur on their own watch, what does Parramatta need with him? It is prime for sorrow.
It’s a fact the Eels have moved on from their former fullback. They have matured in to an egalitarian unit under the guidance of Brad Arthur, and they’ve got no need to revert back to operating as 12 sluggers with a flashy sorcerer out the back. It’s just so 2014.
Plus, the lightning bolt of marketing power Hayne would provide could be suicidal. Look at the joint! The last thing it needs is more attention.
But despite these reasons being staggeringly compelling, they are not the kicker.
Most importantly, Hayne taking his services elsewhere will personally have positive long-term ramifications. And by long-term, I mean for eternity.
The flying fullback loves the big guy in the sky, and if he is serious about going to heaven when his time is up, forming communion with a house of sin like Parramatta should be avoided at all costs.
Considering the Old Testament is about to be revised to include Parramatta in an additional chapter titled ‘Satan’s Basement’, such unholy fraternisation could greatly jeopardise his chances of having his name on the door at the Pearlies.
With every statutory authority from the Feds to the Mafia riding the club’s grimy tails, it’s only a matter of time until the Vatican also joins the chase. For this reason, Hayne shopping his saviour behaviour elsewhere is just smart biblical darts.
Which leads me on to Newcastle. Is there anyone out there more leprosy-ridden in need of a Good Samaritan than the Knights?
I don’t even need to urge the masses for a Sister Act-like ‘amen’ for the answer to that question. They may have shown a pulse in recent weeks, but the poor buggers remain sinful.
Now I’m not sure of the Knights’ situation with the salary cap. I’m unaware whether they’ve filled their cap, or if they pay a salary.
But whatever their catastrophic financial position may be, they should unshackle the cheque book for the former 49er to bolster their youthful stocks with burly flair. It would provide craved experience and bring back the crowds that never left.
Hayne in the Blue and Red – it simply works for everyone. The Knights offset their defectiveness with some aptitude, while Hayne avoids purgatory. Plus he adds an unlikely aspect to his entrepreneur legacy.
Sure, it’s hardy chasing the Yankee dollar, and Newcastle is no renowned Bay Area. But by selflessly helping an old lady across the road, Hayne could add a charitable angle to his mercenary brand. It’s unselfish and it could net him millions.
In addition, it’s a soft brand strategy that could greatly assist in turning public opinion after he called us all peasants earlier this year.
This marriage simply has to happen. For God’s sake, why isn’t there some kind of war chest of funds to cater for such scenarios? What about a talent draft, or a commissioner’s edict, or even just an abduction van? The game is so backwards sometimes.
To be fair, with Parramatta’s bendable finances, a gamut of rich rugby offers and stacks of other zany professional sports he could dip his toe in to, there’s a reasonable chance Hayne will ignore my advice and not end up within cooee of the magnificent Hunter region. As unthinkable as that may be.
But if they manage to register his contract the same way as Israel Folau’s, and European rugby ceases trading as a mint, and Super League loses interest in Australian footballers, and the AFL shuts down, and he doesn’t secure a PGA Tour card, then the choice is clear.
Hayne could head to a club with an average administration and a pillaged list, or he could head to Parramatta.
Divinely simple.
William Dalton Davis
Roar Rookie
Dunno about the raiders. Last thing they need is more attacking flair. Brisbane can't afford a decent back up outside back atm let alone Hayne who isn't exactly going to be allowed to be paid peanuts. Dogs are rotating a few guys out this year I think so they could work. Melbourne look happy with Munster and I just get the feeling that Bellamy isn't a huge fan of Hayne. Cowboys spine is in my books at the very worst equal first in the comp so unless they're moving Hayne to the centres (wasteful) it wouldn't be a good fit and salary wise are in the same position as Brisbane with maybe a little more wiggle room thanks to Tamou. You know what though. If he played ruggers for a year then every team will have a couple mil to hand out for him. I could easily see some desperate club willing to offer 1.8 - 2 million pa which would force the decent clubs into mil+ offers as well.
soapit
Guest
relying on one player for your success isnt a good long term strategy. when his form drops ur left with the rest of the team not having any ammo of their own.
soapit
Guest
tend to agree sheek. im a big hayne fan but he was never known as the biggest trainer at parra so wouldnt really be the best example for the rest of the team who dont have his talent. still he had to have worked hard in nfl so perhaps thats changed.
soapit
Guest
perhaps because no ones going around getting elected based on discrimination against christians. pretty understandable that one group has less of a sense of humour about their beliefs at the moment.
Oingo Boingo
Guest
It's like that episode of faulty towers .... "Don't mention I#%$m , I did once but I think I got away with it .
Ryan
Guest
As a one eyed Newy fan, I'm up for that.
Doug Graves
Guest
You forgot to have the "HA!" symbol included at the top of the page. But Newcastle? Really? Hayne has already "won" a couple of wooden spoons at Parra so I don't think he want's to "win" more of them with the Knights (or Parra). Take a massive pay cut and go to Melbourne/Broncos/Cowboys/Raiders/Dogs. At least those clubs will give him a chance to add some real silverware to his trophy cabinet.
Griggso
Guest
As long as all faiths are ridiculed in roughly equal measure, then no harm can come of it.
fazed
Roar Rookie
Well, I did it in fun, but gee imagine how it would have been received if another religion that is more used to being in the media was used instead. Would likely had a fat farm targeted against it, now see if this post gets removed.
zim
Guest
Wooooooooooosh.
Griggso
Guest
What? We're not allowed to poke fun at christians anymore? I must have missed that e-mail.....
fazed
Roar Rookie
Does not matter who the player is, no team can rely on one player to resurrect their season & club. The knights sadly like the eels had to start from all but scratch with a new coach & gradual build up of players (lets keep the article to the football team context), moving some players on, some that left on their own free will, retired & others for different reasons. It has taken 3 years to achieve a position on the ladder that showed the progress before the points deduction. If Brown stays on as the head coach, he will need to move some on for next year especially with those whose contracts are finished, & those wanting out of cut from the top roster. The team will need at least one more year in the ladder climb with selective recruitments in key positions, & if they achieve that rise, then 2018 will be where they can launch their real progress from. Should Hayne return to the NRL, he would go to a club which has a strong coach that makes it clear he is one player in a team, it would also need to be a team that is definitely a finals team as he would add the icing to any potential that's there & the club along with him is not relied upon to turn a game in their favour & that's why he has not won a premiership as yet.
Nick
Roar Guru
Spot on Sheek.
theHunter
Guest
But Hayne was actually the major influential reason of the charge....thus he would be a great contributor....JT's GF appearances are all linked to good supporting quality fullback and five-eight....he never went to a GF with an ordinary backline....he will be the worst kind of person to resurrect Newcastle coz there is an ordinary team in Knights.
Oingo Boingo
Guest
Rather fitting really, when you consider back in the eighties they referred to Sterlo , Kenny & Price as the father the son and the Holy Ghost.
FNQ
Guest
JH can help the Knights with their salary cap. $1m a season will do
sheek
Roar Guru
Nah, stupid idea I'm afraid. Jarryd Hayne is no Jonathon Thurston. Thurston commits himself totally to his team mates & football club. Hayne merely commits to himself. It was evident during the Eels charge to the 2009 grand final, that Hayne, even then, thought all the fuss was about him. Hayne would be the worst kind of person to resurrect Newcastle. Attempt to resurrect, to be precise.
Agent11
Guest
I think Hayne had enough of losing at the Eels to go to another cellar dweller He should go to the Titans. Hayne, Elgey, Taylor, Peats.. what a spine that could be.
MAX
Guest
My goodness, me.
fazed
Roar Rookie
I tend to think that somewhere along the line you have snuck in to a church & consumed their whole supply of communal wine prior to this article. The worst of it though is the mockery you make of a persons personal beliefs, as such you would be the worst salesman that could try to entice Jarryd Hayne or any other person who does have a real faith in God, one that knows Him rather than some knowing about him.