Lolly selection is becoming an increasingly crucial factor in winning cricket matches, and we as a nation cannot afford be left behind.
The Australians were 5-150 in their second dig, on the verge of levelling the series, when the South African captain, an unrepentant cheat and kitten-puncher (I presume), turned the tables with a fiendish plan:
A mint lolly.
The Australians, in no part due to their lack of skill or mental preparedness, were consequently subjected to one of the great injustices the game has seen – tragically collapsing to an innings and 80-run defeat.
So as they say, ‘if you can’t be ’em, join ’em’, and we sure as hell can’t beat ’em – so we need to figure out which discrete confectionary can carry our team to glory.
8. Chocolate Cigarettes
Look, no-one’s saying that the tried-and-true gag of pretending that you’re smoking a cigarette in front of your parents isn’t always funny.
It is. It literally always is.
But the size and shape, plus the infuriating paper wrapping put these Aussie classics firmly at the bottom of the list.
7. Red Skins
While racistly named, the colour of Red Skins does provide them with a distinct advantage – allowing the residue to seamlessly blend in with either a red or pink ball.
The inevitable stickiness on the user’s hands may also offer a solution to Australia’s catching woes.
On the downside however, it has been scientifically proven that it is impossible to chew a Red Skin without unhinging your jaw, which will be an instant red flag for the prying eyes of the ICC match official.
6. Musk Sticks
Musk sticks are bullshit.
If you try to give me a musk stick, I will straight up punch you in the throat.
5. Fantales
It’s hard to say whether or not Fantales can have a material influence of the ball’s movement through the air – but either way, you’ll have a confounding piece of Hollywood trivia to bamboozle the opposition batsmen with.
Try focussing on a Mitch Starc yorker while racking your brain to think of the name of that hot, basically-always-naked blonde chick in Splash – it’s impossible.
4. Wizz Fizz
High risk, high reward. I imagine infusing a Kookaburra with Wizz-Fizz sets off a chemical reaction similar to that of flubber in the movie…Flubber
It could take out the batsman’s middle stump or end up in the stand’s but at least it will never be as bad as this:
3. Freckles
If used correctly, you can dissolve the chocolate part of Freckle in mere seconds, while preserving the hundreds-and-thousands to use as an abrasive substance on the ball.
2. Eucalyptus Drops
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m fairly certain that for thousands of years Indigenous Australians used Johnson’s Eucalyptus Drops to get boomerangs hooping around in the air and reverse swinging to knock-off unsuspecting kangaroos in the distance.
1. Murray Mints
In the 2005 Ashes series, England’s official ball-shiner (an unenviably-named position), Marcus Trescothick, famously admitted to using Murray Mints to keep the ball shiny for longer.
That series, England had a team that included Ashley Giles, Chris Tremlett and Geraint Jones – the cricketing equivalent of footnotes, to knock off a side with Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath and Ricky Ponting.
These mints can perform miracles Jesus could only dream of.
Tim Gore
Expert
I like musk sticks. However, I will not be offering you one... Genius analysis.
harambe
Guest
I think Amla would go for some warheads...
Albatross
Guest
Unless of course one was fielding at short mid wicket!
Don Freo
Guest
Robert was the third in that fast bowling duo of Pattinsons. He has seen a bit more action than them.
Don Freo
Guest
Some would argue that every time SOK gets a wicket, the freckle is involved.
Don Freo
Guest
It's not a lollie...Dale Steyn will tell you it is a "sweetie".
Anindya Dutta
Roar Guru
Hilarious! Loved it! So when I was growing up in india we used to have some amazing sticky lozenges called "Poppins" which were shaped like Mentos and came in 12 different colors and flavors in a pack. The red and orange ones were our favorite for the ball! But on the dust bowls we played on, sadly, the effect didn't last long!
Sam Walker
Roar Guru
This is funny stuff.
andrew
Guest
Good read. I guess the fantale replaces the mintie as the lolly that leaves a little bit of something stuck to your teeth that when picked out and applied to the ball displaces its balance..
Impressionist
Guest
Now this a brought memories flooding back. Honey Bears, Licicorice blocks, Sherberts, Buddy's, Milkos, Wine Gums, Marello Jubes, Big Boss Cigars...................................
likkewaan
Guest
Maybe Faf and Steve should compare notes on their choice of lollies
matth
Guest
Is it Colin "Funky" Miller?
AlanKC
Guest
Nothing could compare to Zinc cream - kept that pill shiny for days!
Jay Dunbar
Roar Guru
Great article, Riordan!
Patrick Effeney
Editor
This is the correct way.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Freckles. How have we not used this before? Bloody genius. And much more palatable than chewing on gravel, which has been terrible for my molars but dynamite on my breath.
Smiggle Jiggle
Roar Guru
Jelly Tots should be number 1.
Junior Coach
Guest
geez lollies are a bit subtle- I just used to follow Ian Chapells lead and keep a tube of Vaseline Lip Balm in my pocket- bloody hell my lips were always dry thats for sure
Magnus M. Østergaard
Roar Guru
Oh, and he was after that bad guy. You know! Ah, the... And he’s... the um... the actor guy! What is his name? See, the thing is... the thing is... the thing is, that when I say it, you’ll go ‘ah! Yes. Him. I love him. Adore him, the actor guy, yes. I just, mmm. Yes!’ But I can’t think of his... oh, it’s on the tip of my tongue! [Sticks his tongue out and looks at it.] You’d know it. See, the thing is... the thing is that you would know him, he’s got the hair, and the eyes, bit of a nose, and the mouth there, and he... it’s all held together with a... like a face!
JamesH
Roar Guru
Pat Robinson