With the dust settled on the squad announcement for the tour of India, let’s move on to the important stuff: negotiating an appropriate reaction to the inevitable catastrophic failure that awaits us.
Like everyone else, I felt crushing disappointment when the team was named on Sunday.
As each victim’s name was read, it unfortunately confirmed the worst; despite some late backroom machinations, Australia would be taking part in the tour.
However, besides our national self-worth, not all has to be lost.
Provided we Australian fans behave appropriately for the four Tests, we’ll be in the brace position, we can emerge on the other side of this ordeal having only suffered severe psychological trauma.
Despite being a series where absolutely nothing can be gained for the team except shame and dysentery, there is a way Australia can salvage a shred of integrity from the smouldering debris they’ll be reduced to.
With a 4-0 drubbing rated a $1.005 and knighthoods on offer for any XI that can force India to bat twice, why not cut our losses and simply protect our stable top-five batting unit by granting them amnesty?
With settled Australian Test batting units considered the rarest Tamagotchi around in recent years, we should provide the current collective the treatment its achievements have earned by nurturing it like a poorly animated virtual pet.
Since inception, this current Test top five has gripped the nation in a state of euphoria with a glut of incident-free first sessions. So why should we allow something stupid like a dearth of runs overseas upset the apple cart?
Let them breathe, I say.
Matt Renshaw has displayed enough to show he’s worth persevering with. Dave Warner is probably the same.
Usman Khawaja is now so reliable, the only time he looks over his shoulder is in the motion of dabbing. Peter Handscomb has proven he’s more than just a wicketkeeper. And we need Steve Smith because somebody has to set a field.
Despite what you are probably thinking, this is not the planet’s daftest idea.
Irrefutably, India is the world’s capital for ending batting careers. Statistics prove it even assassinates more Australian careers than Australian selectors, so that’s why we need to mix it up with some domestic diplomacy.
Let’s make a pact as a nation to stop the bloodshed. Let’s officially reduce the tour to a career no-ball, free-hit for our blue chip batsmen.
Sure, it won’t be easy. We may have to pardon the unacceptable; a Greg Chappell-like string of ducks, Phil Tufnell-like footwork, and plenty of the game’s most regular mode of dismissal: playing your natural game.
But if we bind together – fans, media, and our traditionally unruffled selectors – and make a concerted effort to curb the hysteria, blood lust, hilarious memes and inherent desire for change, we can give this Fab Five every chance of surviving long beyond this forgettable series.
Warner, Renshaw, Khawaja, Smith and Handscomb. Familiarise with the sequence and treat it like a meat pie fresh from the oven. No matter how much your instincts urge you to demolish its flakiness, simply don’t touch it.
And if you begin to waver, think of the consequences of rash change.
For example, Shaun Marsh.
Casper
Guest
Youngsters who haven't learned their game yet should be preferred to veterans who've learned that regular failure has limited consequences. How do you suggest they get the experience, on a flat Adelaide or Sydney pitch. Inane attitude. I prefer the approach of Renshaw that that displayed by Nick Kyrgios, puts some value on his performance.
Bee bee
Guest
They can perform. Just as long as the ball is not swinging, seaming, spinning or thrown on a subcontinental pitch. I think the articles point is there are no current Australian citizens (let alone cricketers) capable of playing in subcontinental conditions. We have a guy born in Pakistan who can't play spin for goodness sake. It's not like we're not trying. Therefore, (remember to allow for irony here) let's just throw any cannon fodder at India. A half tank with pike (to use a weird AFL/diving analogy.) Sought of like World War One. We started the war throwing our best solidiers at machine guns. The result was our best solidiers ended up,.... dead. So we held a few of our best back for later in the war. We used them less in situations that guaranteed complete obliteration. The result by 1918 was that the Australians were known as a tough bunch of hardened effective solidiers and unlike most other good solidiers they were less,.... dead.
Andy
Guest
Problem with an amnesty is that, yes, it may take pressure off the players but if you are an international batsman playing for your country and cannot perform under pressure then you have no right being there.
Bee bee
Guest
It's not the pitches that trouble us its the equator. Crossing it turns our normally competitive team into a bunch of bumbling fools who can't even finish their homework.
bilal choudhry
Guest
This hyperbolic pessimism seems a bit fishy this is definitely a counter jinx strategy by Australian fans you all know the pitches will be flat as hell.
bilal choudhry
Guest
This hyperbolic pessimism seems a bit fishy this is definitely a counter jinx strategy by Australian fans you all know the pitches will be flat as hell.
Richie B
Guest
I know this comment is tongue in cheek but the food in India is pretty good, though if you can't handle the spices then learn from Shane Warne and bring your own supply of baked beans.
Richie B
Guest
Has Australia ever been so apprehensive on the eve of a tour to India?
Jamie Elkins
Roar Rookie
Lovely work, as per usual
Chris Kettlewell
Roar Guru
Indian pitches do tend to be slower, meaning that unless the ball is really full, playing right back can often give the chance to play it off the pitch and adjust to what the ball is doing. Then the moment they throw it up far enough to make that a dangerous tactic that's when you come right forward and turn it into a half-volley.
Bee bee
Guest
Oh the gloom. The unending campaign of pessimism. Rather than bother.... Smith should just turn up day one at the toss, rip off his whites attach them to a stump and just present Kohli a white flag in his dax.
Ozibatla
Guest
Yep good call Chris. What each batsman needs to work out for himself is how to play the slow men from india. Use of the feet is vital. Either coming down the pitch or going back deep in the crease. They need get off strike shots too, ie: using feet to hit to the boundary riders or the sweep shot. Not everyone is the same. Clarke was a big fan of skipping down the pitch, whereas Damien Martyn figured out playing almost exclusively off the backfoot helped him better. Then you had Hayden with his broomstick sweeping everything.
Anindya Dutta
Roar Guru
And I resent the second on behalf of the bottled water industry in India. The first, I cannot deny the Aussie team. :)
Lancey5times
Roar Rookie
Why does this fine piece of journalism have a 'HA' attached?
Lancey5times
Roar Rookie
Yeah hopefully the abundance of spinners is for variety rather than overload. Maybe it just shows a lack of faith in the incumbents. I'm ok with Swepson being there as a development player and not being considered for selection if this is the thinkingand Agar will be a great cricketer one day so keep him in the mix/nets. Last time we were in India it turned out to be a good tour to miss so it may work out this way for Cartwright and Nevill
Chris Kettlewell
Roar Guru
In adjusting to playing spin in Indian conditions, the Aussies need to not trust in picking the ball out of the hand or in the air, knowing that in those conditions it simply won't always do what you expect, a hard spun ball will sometimes just slide on with the arm, while the next ball bowled almost identically will grip and turn. So they need to play in ways to either smother the spin or give themselves time to play it off the pitch.
Chris Kettlewell
Roar Guru
The thing is, they've picked some players who are a bit hard to swallow, but they likely won't play. Chances are the first test team will be: Warner Renshaw Khawaja Smith Handscombe Maxwell Wade Starc O'Keefe Hazlewood Lyon Which is a pretty straightforward selection. They've got an army of tweakers so if Lyon and/or O'Keefe are completely hopeless over the first couple of tests they can try throwing in some other options, but likely not much else will change. Shaun Marsh is the backup batsman if anyone gets injured or looks so much like a deer in the headlights that it's better for their own sake to save them any more embarrassment and give them a break. Mitch Marsh is their for unknown reasons, and I'd prefer they hadn't taken Wade, but since he kept getting picked through all the Australian tests despite not being able to buy a run and still struggling up to the stumps to the spinners, they were never going to then pick someone else for the Indian tour. And they probably consider Handscomb as effectively the backup keeper. Looks like Neville may miss a while with a fractured cheekbone, though, of course, that happened after selection, so it wouldn't have influenced it.
Bill
Guest
One with a coach/selector who learns from OS thrashings.
matth
Guest
I like this approach, but if we lose the Ashes they will all have to go
matth
Guest
And your team is?