Why the Melbourne Storm's domination is so unfair

By Dane Eldridge / Expert

With the Melbourne Storm head and shoulders above the pack again, there’s no better time to rehash why everything they do is wrong.

For those not versed in establishmentarian bias, Melbourne – the most astutely administered, perennially successful league club – are the worst because the ‘N’ in NRL stands for New South Wales, not ‘neighbourly’.

These remote immigrants somehow snuck through our extreme vetting process in the haze of the 1990s, setting us on a Donald Trump-like search for a shonky Barack Obama birth certificate ever since. As such, the Storm must be persecuted at all costs to maintain the most important thing in rugby league: the inadequacy complex of us embittered Sydney also-rans.

So before the game grows any further, here are some reheated preconceptions that will invalidate the premiership they’re set to unjustly pocket this year.

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1. They cheated the cap!
Melbourne illegally stockpiled talent by shouting everyone a heap of undeclared boats and sheds. Not only this, they returned their tainted premierships, offloaded players, played a season for no points and conducted a clean rebuild, yet they still have the gall to challenge for the premiership half a decade later? Does this club have no shame?

2. They wrestle!
The results are in. Besides everyone else, the Storm are the only team that wrestles. What’s worse, they have never publicly admitted to wrestling. All they’ve given us is a few weak denials from a club spokesperson who was speaking from a headlock.

3. They’re boring!
The Storm play a repetitive and methodical style that grinds the viewer into unconsciousness like skolling a foaming schooner of tranquiliser. Well, that’s how they played last time the Sydney media watched them back in 2009, and this town can’t be expected to think for itself.

4. They’re overly reliant on immortals!
Melbourne were gifted a one-in-a-million trio by the serendipity of astute talent identification and first-class development structures. Appallingly lucky.

Cameron Smith, Billy Slater and Cooper Cronk are forever carrying bums like Jesse Bromwich, Cameron Munster and Suliasi Vunivalu, not to mention a passenger of a coach who does nothing for unidentified talent other than transform them into world beaters.

Not only is having class players an affront, you shouldn’t be allowed to label three old blokes and a heap of roof tilers as a team. It’s more like a TAFE class.

AAP Image/Dan Himbrechts

5. They’re not taken seriously in Melbourne!
Any town that enjoys street murals is not a rugby league town. That’s why the NRL trophy should be fitted with a dye pack that explodes the moment it passes through Albury.

In fact, relocate the Storm to Sydney. If there’s one thing our city can do with, it’s more rugby league teams, especially considering there’s a small demographic of rare possums in Rooty Hill we could lose to supporting the Giants.

6. They’re News Limited-aligned!
As the last remaining Super League club in Victoria, the Storm’s mere existence is a slap in the face to one of the game’s great heartlands.

7. Nobody knows how to correctly say their name!
Are they Storm? Or the Storm? Or, if you’re from Melbourne, are they Storm, the Storm or the Rebels?

Karate-kicking fullbacks and flaunting cap rules is one thing, but lumping rugby league with grammar affairs should be an immediate expulsion.

The Crowd Says:

2017-08-01T22:19:25+00:00

The Fatman

Guest


Unfortunately; this article is exactly what NSW people about the Storm. Whereas AFL people embrace the idea of their competition being a "National" competition; NRL people want it to stay Sydneysentric. How is NRL ever going to grow?

2017-07-11T15:21:23+00:00

Roger Ramjet

Guest


I read because of their affiliation with the Central Coast that Roosters have the second biggest junior area now - equal with Newcastle and behind Penrith

2017-07-06T23:56:50+00:00

Adam Hallinan

Guest


"not to mention a passenger of a coach who does nothing for unidentified talent other than transform them into world beaters" HAHA love it!

2017-07-06T04:18:37+00:00

Bert

Guest


The Melbourne Storm is the greatest team in Australian history.

2017-07-06T00:18:06+00:00

Beergardener

Roar Pro


(Not trying to be funny, just some of the many reasons I have hated them since I was a kid) 8. They were always going to be good - they had the best players from the Hunter Mariners, Perth Reds, South QLD Crushers, and Adelaide Rams to choose from (all folding a year beforehand or in their first year (1998)). 9. Their existence sealed the fate for the Crushers, and doomed the fate for any other new Brisbane team, despite many of their best players (esp. 4-5 years later) coming from SE QLD, and despite this being a RL heartland 10. They wear purple! Worst colour ever. Even the fluoro pink the refs used to wear is better 11. What the hell is a Storm anyway? Can't they just be like all the others and be an animal or a person? Why do they have to be so different! 12. They were winning controversial premierships (1999) before it was cool to win them

2017-07-05T22:46:24+00:00

The Barry

Roar Guru


Wrestling came into the game probably about five minutes after rugby league was invented. Teams have been doing it for years to get an advantage in the ruck. What Melbourne introduced though were the choke holds, chicken wings, crushers, rolling pins, etc that stopped opponents from fighting / wrestling for position in the ruck because of the threat of physical injury. No one was doing anything like this before the Storm introduced it. it's those holds that I mean when I refer to wrestling, not two players competing for an advantage.

2017-07-05T22:42:33+00:00

The Barry

Roar Guru


I agree and I'm certainly not going to defend the shoulder pads. Similarl sort of thing to the wrestling. Wasn't strictly illegal but definitely unsportsmanlike. Your memory is a bit flawed though. The fibreglass shoulder pads were worn for a few games in the middle of the 1985 season. They were quickly discovered and the rules modified to make them illegal. The Dogs beat the Dragons in the GF that year. Fibreglass shoulder pads were done and dusted a long time before the GF took place.

2017-07-05T22:16:47+00:00

Crosscoder

Roar Guru


Modesty forbids me,but the Storm play their most exciting brand of football, when they get beaten by the Sharks.Crica G/F 2016 ,time last 45 seconds of the match. Wrestling ineffective? tick. Chatbacks by ref C Smith to lesser ref, fell on deaf ears? tick Outsledged by M Ennis? tick Other than that ,when they wrestle they are indeed boring as batsh*t.The only real entertainment provided,is watching Bellyache go off his tree, any time one of his players stuffs up.It's Oscar winning material.Mioderation ?????

2017-07-05T21:56:10+00:00

Brendon

Guest


Did you know the first cannonball tackle reported was against Gordon Tallis in 1997 (before the Storm?) The first wrestling coach was emp[loyed by Wayne Bennet in 1998 (before the Storm) In 2007, Andrew Johns publicly applauded the Storm tackling style, stating that “we were doing judo throws and wrestling holds 10 years ago” (i.e 1997, before the Storm). And to further the point, ” wrestling has been part of league since Souths prop Jim Armstrong won Olympic bronze in 1948. Kangaroo coach Frank Stanton having players grapple in the 1980s while, in the last years of baggy jerseys, judo coaches encouraged players do chin ups while gripping towels strung over the bar — believing the practice would help grip strength.” Melbourne didn’t invent wrestling. That is utter rubbish. The chicken wing, performed by Adam Blair doesn’t reflect on the Storm, because guess what? He did the same move when playing for the Bronco’s in 2014 again Sam Thiaday in a test match. Do we blame the entire bulldog’s team because Josh Reynolds likes to trip people? This idea that Melbourne brought wrestling into the game is rubbish (the above proves that), but by all means, keep saying it, because then it must be true….

2017-07-05T21:22:53+00:00

Paul

Guest


Pretty sure the Broncos & Bennett came up with wrestling before the Storm did. Even employed a wrestling coach if my memory serves me... As for the Storm as a whole, there is nothing boring about good footballers. Rarely do they have an off day, even rarer they have 2 bad ones in a row. Not many teams can claim that over the last decade. Finally, the ability of Bellamy to turn C-grade players into SOO or Test stars is amazing. And that rarely happens the other way - players don't leave Melbourne and get better.

2017-07-05T20:14:47+00:00

Mitcher

Guest


Think you're the one caught there

2017-07-05T16:59:29+00:00

Bugo

Guest


Would be there own fault if they choose to believe what they read on internet. Dane is a classy and skilled writer. Each word is often important; "Besides everyone else, the Storm are the only team that wrestles."

2017-07-05T16:55:50+00:00

Bugo

Guest


Blowing ones own trumpet again.

2017-07-05T14:46:02+00:00

Ken

Guest


The old wrestle you mean developed by the Broncos 5 years before hand when they were the first club to employ a wrestling coach , the " chicken wing" under over lever in wrestling to flip a guy onto his back , Broncos were doing that way before the storm. The crusher not too sure , arm locks I'll give to my storm we did introduce that , forearm to the throats after every tackle been going in for ages

2017-07-05T14:40:47+00:00

Ken

Guest


No why would it make sense , it's a business players go to where they get paid better or have the potential to win a premiership An than get paid better , the clubs didn't develop those players , they were developed by junior clubs who got no money from the nrl clubs who got them , they were developed by junior coaches An lparents who drove those kids to training an junior games .The acutual Nrl clubs didn't develop them , did the Broncos develop Cameron smith from Logan no ? They didn't even offer him anything as a junior , he had to go to the storm to get game time , Slater from Innisfail never made a rep team as a junior ,had to drive 200 km to trial for the storm , Broncos An Cowboys didn't develop him?

2017-07-05T09:41:20+00:00

Taree Raider

Guest


Very good, but facts are facts, Craig Bellamy can coach Cameron Smith, Billy Slater, Cooper Cronk & don't forget the over the salary cap Greg Inglis. However he can't coach NSW against the above mentioned 4. Why, because it is self explanatory. Will Craig coach a day longer that Cameron Smith plays? ANSWER: Not a hope in hell. No Craig is a very, very, very good coach of Cameron Smith. So when Craig gives it up who do you think will take over? C.S.

2017-07-05T09:38:13+00:00

The Spectator

Guest


Not Manly mate, when Manly were forced to merge with Bears I felt lost, my club was taken away, enter the Storm, had big Lazo so I followed, if Manly didn't come back I wouldn't be watching at all any more. After the sliding studs and all the unsportsmanlike crap that started, I couldn't for the life of me continue supporting that, thank Odin the Bears folded, Manly were back, the o ly player that would have been accepted at manly from Mel would be Smith as we didn't have a better 9, the media prop the rest from Mel but not Manly. THE BIG DEBATE raging over who will replace mini in 08, the winner couldn't crack a promo from 09 onwards and still they talk the loser up as an immortal, goes to show!

2017-07-05T09:34:45+00:00

Josephine Ford

Guest


How dare you I'm purple pride Melbourne Strom through and Through get off and build another team in NSW if you Want but leave ours alone ok

2017-07-05T09:10:32+00:00

Andrew Macdougall

Roar Pro


I laughed. Good work, Dane.

2017-07-05T07:50:18+00:00

Rob

Guest


I remember a certain team wearing illegal shoulder pads onto the field and cutting opposition players in half during the 1980's. The Eels lost a Grand Final to the grubs from memory.

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