This nation is in the grip of a serious obesity problem. There is not enough fat footballers in the NRL.
The usual shtick for Retro Round is to fondly reminisce about the good old days when scrums were contested and Queensland clubs remained at home.
However, we must now use it as an opportunity to highlight the game’s dwindling numbers of sloppy rigs.
If you hark back to those conveniently biased memories, they’ll tell you the game was once overrun with the nimble pudge of the everyman.
It was the indefinable time of rugby league’s golden age when a heroic night was 45 tackles, 45 beers and a 45 BMI.
However, interest among the portly has waned since as the game has grown unfortunately athletic.
While theories abound, it is difficult to pinpoint when the demise began.
Some believe it was the Brett Plowman debate over the dangers of playing pregnant, while others say it was the people smuggling allegations against David Hosking after he trafficked Geoff Toovey in to The Ivanhoe up his top.
Nevertheless, the game has slowly shed its edge as it shed cholesterol.
Now the game is under serious threat from its rivals, with the interest of larger men gradually shifting from league in to corporate mining.
This issue cannot be underestimated. The game is in a skinny healthy crisis.
How can it claim to be the accessible leisure pursuit for the people when it shuns Joe Sixpack and his double-D’s?
Unfortunately, the big guys of today’s professional scene are miserably failing at flying the flag of the flab.
(AAP Image/Dan Himbrechts)
Trent Merrin has sadly faded away to a compact block of flats, while Nathan Brown’s work is devalued by his cricketing background, the least fattest sport of all time alongside gut-evacuating AFL and catwalk modelling.
It all points to one outcome; the modern game is dominated by too many athletes and not enough carbs.
In light of this, I’m calling for a return to the treasured days of charming muffin tops.
Let’s see a return of those deft big men, the ones who could finesse the pill after years of juggling a plate of sandwiches three times a meal.
Give us the silky hands and the sexy verandah over the beltline of an Artie Beetson, Daryl Brohman or the grandiose George Rose.
Feed us someone who charges the line like it’s a buffet, one with a sensuous shape that contradicts those ugly forward packs of today resembling barcodes, really really ripped barcodes.
Let’s see the scene steamed up with another Mark Tookey, John Buttigieg, Bruce Gibbs or a pre-prison diet Danny Wicks.
So desperate for the bulge, I’ll even take anyone with the nickname ‘Fatty’, ironic or not.
It’s time to body shame professional rugby league and call it for what it is- a game prejudice against the pudgy and condemning of John Public and his post-fatherhood overhang.
Enough of this slim efficiency and ‘fitness’, let’s fill those water bottles with ranch dressing and bring back the big man.
Billy Tea
Guest
David Solomona, played for Eels in the early 00s. I remember he was criticised at that time about his wieght, but he was decent.
BrainsTrust
Guest
60's and before the players looked like starving peasants.. The 70's you had the motor car become popular and fast food which was through the Milk bar. Then the came the American fast food franchises before it was all set back by professionalism and coaches measuring skin folds.
BrainsTrust
Guest
Greg Hartley , though nothing what he was like after he retired.
matth
Guest
And I see my own Carl Webb and raise me an Owen Craigie.
matth
Guest
I see your Piggy and raise you Carl Webb.
matth
Guest
And his mate Slamming Sam Backo
Long Black
Roar Rookie
Honestly, the best thing about having a fat bloke on your team was never finishing last in the sprints at training.
Dutski
Roar Guru
I'll see your Chris Sandow and raise you a Piggy Riddell.
Dutski
Roar Guru
That sounds like a punishment for a poor performance. "Right you mob - now you're going to carry a fat bloke on the bench. All the way up to the posts and back 20 times. Then give me 50 pushups."
Squidward
Roar Rookie
Who says they need to be props. Case and point Chris Sandow
Albo
Guest
At least he didn't have to have a rest after 20 minutes like todays " athletic" type of props !
Big Daddy
Guest
I think we have to have a vertically challenged person as well. The refs have got one. Can any one rember a fat ref.
Con Scortis
Roar Guru
The ultimate package, Swannies. Effective and terribly attractive.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
The ultimate package, Swannies. Effective and terribly attractive.
Swannies
Guest
Martin Bella was the epitome of fitness and finesse...a battering ram straight up the middle.
Swannies
Guest
Martin Bella was the epitome of fitness and finesse...a battering ram straight up the middle.
Don
Roar Rookie
And the AFL is the worse for it IMO. Google Mick Nolan North Melbourne to see what size some AFL players once were…
Norad
Guest
From the local newspaper last week. "Why Play AFL? AFL is also one of the few team sports that values players of all shapes and sizes." Made in Australia, loved by the world - AFL Players www.aflplayers.com.au/article/made-in-australia-loved-by-the-world/ Footy takes all shapes and sizes to play and, more evidently in recent times, players can come from all sorts of diverse cultures.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
I've always said that, FW. A fat bloke on the pine is more important than an 18th man for concussion.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
They are always one step ahead, Norad