If you’re in the market for a pet project with mood instability and a generous holiday package, then the Warriors are for you!
The NRL’s traditional end-of-season fire sale is in full swing, with regretful owners again desperate to offload their shameful impulse purchases.
New Zealand’s seventh-favourite professional sports franchise is one of these items, so why not come down to the showroom and kick its tyres along with other discards like the Titans and half the Bulldogs squad?
Don’t listen to your instincts, you definitely need an offshore football club.
Since 1995, the Warriors product has operated as an over-hyped asset continually bedevilled by cosmic forces like misfortune and Sam Tomkins.
Despite this, it has become a valuable cornerstone of the game that crucially maintains the NRL’s equal number of teams.
As owner you would assume rights to the club’s history, including its golden eras of the Storm hoodoo and the buck nasty forward play of the Ali Lauitiiti years.
All training facilities and amenities are also included, along with the milk in the fridge that has a longer shelf life than most of the coaches.
The deal also encompasses the playing roster, up to and including the top-line squad of 25 footballers and Blake Ayshford.
This particular feature packs plenty of potential – you just need to make them try 120 per cent harder.
Throw in head coach Steve Kearney – the thinking man’s coach who has curbed the side’s positive attacking flair for the same paltry results – and you’ve got yourself an Origin-period yield machine.
For convenience, a transition plan has been developed for the buyer. This will ensure a seamless transfer of ownership that promises no disruption to the ongoing disappointment of an entire country.
The Warriors are truly a hidden gem of a purchase. Don’t take the first-hand word of Graham Lowe or Matt Elliott; good players definitely don’t join the club and get worse. Only half of this is true.
If you want holidays from August to May and a peptic ulcer, act now!
Call in the next 15 minutes and Simon Mannering will even carry the club to your car.
Don’t hesitate; the Warriors are the deal of the season. And don’t believe what you hear, it is actually a football club. So why not invest today?
*As always, potential suitors are urged to retain their proof of purchase.
KillaKanga
Roar Rookie
Dane, I have a clapped out Leyland Marina with only 250 thou K's on the clock, some rather glutinous substance that used to be oil in the sump and ONE alloy wheel... What sort of deal would you do me BTW....Lost my coffee over my laptop when I read... "including the top-line squad of 25 footballers and Blake Ayshford"..... Well done lad
Gold Coast Bunny
Guest
98000 followers on twitter and circa 18000 members for a non performing team. Maybe just Auckland now but Imagine the possibilities if they could get back to the finals as they did in 2010 and 2011 or climb the heights of 2002 and reach the GF and win it. I am sure NZ would embrace them given they will be beating us Aussies which is always a favourite pastime. Perhaps it would give the kiwis something else other than the underarm incident to sledge us about
Oto shark
Guest
More than you think killaku.
allblackfan
Guest
It's not an odour problem, Dane ! :-)
Birdy
Guest
On the financial side i think the sharkies will be one of the Sydney survivors. On the other hand NZ is probably the only place you could relocate a team to. Far Eastern Chooks. Nice ring to it.
killaku
Guest
Nobody outside Auckland cares about the game,Why do you think they poach rugby players cos no one cares.Its All Blacks or nothing
ask
Guest
All good points Womblat and GCB I think you are on the money re: trying to turn the Warriors into Melbourne. If you are trying to turn the Warriors into anything it should be the ipswich Jets under the Walker brothers. That will allow them to tap into that natural flair and I think done correctly will be more competitive than what most in the overanalysed NRL world think. They will need to be a lot fitter and and will need to give the coach the backing to wear a seasons worth of losses before they start to see results (but how is that any different to what they already have) but it will be worth it in the long run. Also I reckon they need to start playing at least half of their home games outside of Auckland, to truly become the NZ Warriors. Again they have to wear playing to smaller crowds in other cities but a bit of small term pain for long term gain can hopefully pay dividends in supporter base and in player/junior base.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
No one, you had me there for a moment
no one in particular
Roar Guru
You hope would be nobody buys them and they fall into the NRL’s hands. That way the NRL can use their development and promotional expertise to help grow the game in not just Auckland but the rest of New Zealand. They can replicate the process that has been so successful across Australia. whoops, need to turn the sarcasm font on You hope would be nobody buys them and they fall into the NRL’s hands. That way the NRL can use their development and promotional expertise to help grow the game in not just Auckland but the rest of New Zealand. They can replicate the process that has been so successful across Australia.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Is that in reference to the city's odour problem?
Oingo Boingo
Guest
Rotorua Rabbits ?
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Decent shout, Birdy. Queenstown Sharks?
Birdy
Guest
NZ needs a local derby to be successful. Compete and grow off each other. The only trouble with that would be they would probably win every year. 2 teams or none for NZ .
Oingo Boingo
Guest
Guaranteed to almost get you to your destination , before breaking down on the side of the road for no apparent reason .
Dane Eldridge
Expert
I'd like to see the service history first. If it's reliable, it's not a fair swap
BigJ
Roar Guru
If they get Maloney they might
Oingo Boingo
Guest
Interested in swapping a low k VP Commodore wagon ?
Con Scortis
Roar Guru
Um...technically the Knights were sold off. With Wests behind them and stable management, they'll be a powerhouse again in 3 years.
BigJ
Roar Guru
Still sounds like im paying too much
Dane Eldridge
Expert
You can have the lot at that price