How to give other boring sports the AFLX factor

I’m sure I’m not the only who has been electrified right to his very soul by the raging wildfire of success that is AFLX.

This competition, made up of a perfect blend of the very best elements of Australian football (the shape of the ball) and the very best elements of other kinds of football (the shape of the field) has taken Australia by storm. The only thing more exciting than watching the breathtaking games of AFLX in its inaugural season is the thought of the impending conquest of the sporting world by the rampant juggernaut of AFLX.

Soon the globe will be swept by AFLX fever, and where once were played American football, basketball, soccer, ice hockey, netball, cricket, horse racing and bocce, will instead be the magic of AFLX.

(Photo by Michael Willson/AFL Media/Getty Images)

With that in mind, other sports have a long way to go to catch up, and they better do it quickly. Here are some basic blueprints for X versions of other sports that might be able to compete with the already-unstoppable momentum of AFLX.

CRICKETX
Enough pussyfooting around with the length of the game and the colour of the ball. Time to bite the bullet and admit that the modern spectator wants only one thing: sixes. The size of the CricketX field is 25m x 25m, and bats are the same height as the batsman.

To give the bowlers a fair chance, they are equipped with blowguns, which they can fire at the batsman while bowling.

SOCCERX
Even the most passionate soccer fan would probably admit that soccer is incredibly boring and no sane person likes it. The main problem is of course the low scoring.

To fix this, in SoccerX each goal is twice the width of the field itself, and if you score with your non-preferred foot it’s worth eight points. Also the field is only fifteen metres long and the referee is allowed to spank the players.

[latest_videos_strip category=”afl” name=”AFL”]

RUGBYX
RugbyX not only makes rugby more exciting, it heals the wound of the rugby world by combining rugby union and rugby league into one thrilling game of 90-second halves, played on polished marble fields.

From union, the game retains lineouts, with the twist that the hooker, instead of throwing the ball in, fires it out of a cannon. From league, the game retains mandatory tattoos and alcoholism. A try is worth five points, but that goes up to ten if the player can ground the ball while naked.

TENNISX
Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth – that’s how the average tennis match goes. Bo-ring! In TennisX, the ball instead travels up and down, with one player standing on a glass platform 60 metres above the court. The winner is the first to six games, or the player who does not fall to their death.

HORSESX
HorsesX revitalises the sport of kings by turning it into a team sport. Instead of individual horses racing against each other, teams of five horses each try to force each other off the track and into a deadly forest of steel spikes running around the track perimeter.

As an added attraction, in each HorsesX tournament team captains have one ‘wild card’, which they can play in any round they choose, but can only use once. The wild card allows the captain to replace one of his horses with a rhinoceros.

CARSX
CarsX is motor racing with a difference: there are no engines and the cars must be pushed around the course for hundreds of laps.

BASKETBALLX
Basketball is a fast, frenetic sport showcasing high levels of athleticism in its participants, which is why it’s so dull. In BasketballX, unlike some other X sports, the playing area is not shrunk.

Instead, the court is expanded to an area of fifteen hectares. The hoop is buried somewhere on the property, and to score a basket the teams must locate and dig it up. But don’t let your guard down – unwary bballers could find their stay on court cut short if they incur the wrath of the referee (a half-starved polar bear).