With your team advancing to the quarter-finals after the win against Mexico, I know you are probably extremely busy, however, I write to you in the desperate hope that you might do me a significant favour.
Australia is a beautiful place, as you know. Long, picturesque coastlines, wonderful food and wine, and a passionate populace that values sport, culture and entertainment.
The affluence here permits us to participate in our hobbies and passions; wide and varied as they are.
What would be helpful for you to know is that football isn’t enjoyed by much of the population. I know that may come as a shock, but if you say the word ‘football’ out loud in Australia, a host of other images come to mind.
Some people here actually still call your game soccer – crazy hey? Down Under, football is widely used to describe rugby league and our indigenous game, Australian rules. Many people also enjoy rugby, which I am not sure you have had the chance to see.
It is a weird game, with plenty of kicking and played by colossal men with stomachs capable of consuming your little five foot, nine inch frame in one fell swoop.
The rugby league boys are also huge athletes capable of knocking the living feijoada out of you in an instant. Australian rules players are endurance driven; many running up to 15 kilometres per game. You would really like them as I feel you may have something in common.
The issue is that the millions of Australians who enjoy these sports, dislike football.
[latest_videos_strip category=”football” name=”Football”]
As part of explaining why, may I ask a favour? Could you please stop rolling around on the pitch in artificial pain?
We all know it is insincere. You actually look like a bit of a twit when you do it and while South American and European fans might pass it off as a part of the game, and expected histrionics in search of sanction for the opposition, you are killing us down here.
Football in Australia began to significantly grow through the 1950s and ’60s, when migrants from all over the world came to our shores. Naturally, they started to kick around a sphere.
The burly, beer-drinking Aussie men didn’t like it too much and saw their step overs and nutmegs as emasculating skills.
Aussie men generally preferred running directly at each other and colliding like human cannonballs. Other men stood around with large glasses filled to the brim with beer and wet their pants with laughter when someone was injured.
Players in all games were encouraged to physically intimidate and do whatever it took to gain a psychological advantage over opponents.
Insults were traded, eyes gouged, tripping of players became popular, scrotums were grabbed (and bitten in one case) and in a moment of genius, a finger was even inserted into the anus of an opposition player.
Former NRL player John Hopoate (AAP Image/Dan Himbrechts)
The violence and aggression became immensely popular among the young and impressionable, and generation after generation of fans were born.
The only thing that topped the playing of the game itself was the violent brawls that became common when tensions rose. Australia celebrated in all the raw glory of watching athletes king hit, knocked out and assaulted.
All the while, football competitions struggled to gain traction; obviously burdened with a reputation that its players lacked the toughness and manly qualities of the more traditional games.
The big meanies even made up names for people who enjoyed the round-ball game. Terms such as ‘girl’, ‘fairy’, ‘lady boy’, ‘fag’ and ‘poofter’ became common insults directed at football fans. I am not sure of the Portuguese equivalents for these terms, but I am sure they exist.
Collectively, the game became known as ‘wog ball’. Australia embraced the term ‘wog’ like no other nation. We have wog ball, wog mansions, wog style and even a new stage show called Star Wogs.
Since that time, the offence in the word has dropped off to some extent, yet still, at the core of Australian society lies an ever-present suspicion of the World Game and its propensity to culturally destroy our island nation.
Even though our national league has grown and become a tasty part of our sporting palette, your incessant, diving, rolling and play acting is beginning to re-invigorate anti-football sentiment in this country.
For the sake of Australian football, please stop!
Facebook and Twitter are rife with parodies of your silliness and headlines around the world are calling you out for your Oscar-like performances. Can’t you see what you are doing?
Footballing backwaters like Australia don’t need more ammunition for our macho population to kick sand in our faces all over again.
Just yesterday I was verbally assaulted while wearing my Mexican strip before your match with them. Yes, I was supporting them, you thespian.
A man shouted out, “Go and play wog ball somewhere else you diving, rolling, poofter lady boy.”
I was hurt.
Therefore, for the remaining matches in Russia, could you please stop the theatrics and play football. Australian fans would greatly appreciate it.
Stuart Thomas
Richard Hunter
Guest
Nice article Stuart. The problem in my opinion is the absolutely terrible refereeing. The man or woman in charge of the game should take charge of the game. I saw one instance where the referee gave a foul, booked the player and then, for some reason which made no sense to me whatsoever decided to stand there whilst that player and several of his teammates got right up in his face for about 5 minutes arguing with him. If I'd have been refereeing he'd have been sent off. These referees need to have some self respect. I have not seen one card given for simulation in this world cup and I've seen plenty of simulation. Some of it from England I'm disappointed to say.
Benjamin
Guest
You of all people should know better not to judge neymar. He's a star, on top of the world classic player. And unlike the former Brazil stars he's just not giving up just because some ill hearted players and media decides he should quit. This dude is a fighter and he will always be better richer and cooler than any of your rugby players. No offence,
paulywalnuts
Guest
Disgraced himself again last night. According to SBS has spent has 14 minutes “on the ground” this World Cup. Just embarrassing.
DP Schaefer
Guest
Good comment. It would also be an exceptional use of the VAR, noting players diving and issuing a card. What would also go a long way to stamp this out is for refs to demand replacement of players who are in apparent agony. From Neymar's reaction against Mexico one could have thought his leg was broken and he shouldn't have been allowed back on the field.
The Phantom Commissioner
Roar Rookie
Cantona has spoken https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKwbldHLSls
nachos supreme
Guest
Don’t hate the player etc. The people bagging it are never going to be converted.They have their ideal.Leave em to it. Do I like it?No Do I understand it’s part of the game?yes Move on.Nothing to see here.Next you’ll be boring is with tales about Grosso’s lack of coordination in the box
tim
Guest
Yeah thickhead there are other players who dive. Whats your point? After the matches thus far the focus IS on Neymar. And rightly so! The guy is a disgrace for his antics and clearly a cut above the rest with his theatrics. Yes others dive..Pepe..kane goes down easily..also disgraceful to see..however I don't think you can compare this to Neymar. Neymar has officials in his pocket. He want's them to believe he is singled out and fouled more than others, thereby making him worthy of some special protection. And to some extent this is what he gets! Unbelievable! He has been fouled 23 times so far this tournament, but how many are real? If you removed all his rubbish I think you would find it to be no more than any other attacker. Good article by the way Stuart. I agree with you. Hard to promote a sport, not just in Australia but also globally, when you have a clown like Neymar at the helm. Bringing the game into disrepute? I think so
Post_hoc
Roar Rookie
Is appealing for LBW when the ball is outside off stump cheating?
Post_hoc
Roar Rookie
As far as I know being a Prat is not mentioned in the Rules of the Game, otherwise Nemisis mate Berisha would never be allowed to play. :)
Post_hoc
Roar Rookie
Bob, chill mate, All I was saying was the foot that was injured was trodden on whilst he was on the ground, have a look at the footage you can see it. Does not excuse over reacting, does not excuse other instances, I was merely highlighting that instance.
Post_hoc
Roar Rookie
ojh where to begin, so many stupid comments, I may just let this one go, clearly the poor sod isn't all there
chris
Guest
bizarre comment
chris
Guest
I have no problem with "people like you". I'm sure the open minded people over on the AFL tab like yourself would just love football fans to go over on their discussion boards and tell them what a rubbish game they follow. Right?
Peter
Guest
As soon as someone plays the convict card you know they have nothing else. It has nothing to do with toughness, it has to do with the fact that blatant theatrics, cheating and abusing and intimidating the referee are seen in most parts of the world as entirely acceptable. I would love to see Neymar yellow carded, preferably twice in the same game, for simulation. Won't happen. The entire game is too scared of this highly talented ten year old beat.
Mitcher
Guest
What did this congregation of UK cruising rugby fans think of peace in the Middle East? What did these UK rugby fans believe was the gestation of the universe? Oh man, I NEED to know.
Mitcher
Guest
Nah, sad to say Joey joe joe junior shabadoo. You just went into an irony fight with Nem and came out looking foolish. That’s a skill in itself.
Joseph
Guest
Whichever your sporting persuasion, it’s really difficult to tell if some who types ‘soccer is girls stuff’ is a spoof acct or not. God bless the internet.
BrainsTrust
Guest
I don;t get how someone would believe Neymar an attacking player who is always trying to beat players would not get fouled. I am not defending Neymar diving, I just don;t understand why people are talking about him in particular. I get the feeling there are stooges commentating on this that have not watched a lot of the matches if any. The left back from France in particular, I have never seen a defensive player dive all over the park and pick up a free kick every time. Its crazy going to ground in defensive positions because if the referee does not call a foul then they score while your lying on the ground. At least if you dive at the other end of the park you can get a penalty or a free kick in range, and you don;t risk giving goals if its not called.
BrainsTrust
Guest
Look thickhead Neymar is an attacking player and dribbles a lot. The French left back was a defensive player.
Joseph
Guest
Wimpy sports? Soccer is girls' stuff LC