Get ready Australia for a summer the likes of which you haven’t experienced in years.
When was the last time you were up 3-0 in a Test series on Christmas Eve? Been a while? Fret not, Santa Shastri is bringing his all conquering boys to your shores to cheer you up and put you in the mood for a New Year’s party to remember.
Sounds too good to be true? Wait, it gets better. Riding behind him on the sleigh will be the tiniest elves you will ever see. They are so tiny they can’t even hold up their bats.
Those two dark bearded dudes peeping out from behind Santa’s outsized tummy? Those are Murali Vijay and KL Rahul. They will open the innings in the first Test at Adelaide, but they won’t bother the scorers.
Wasn’t there another elf called Shikar Dhawan, you ask? Indeed there is. He is at the moment visiting his in-laws at Melbourne. Why waste a good Indian curry cooked by the Ma-in-law when you know they won’t pick you first up?
The little moustache twirling critter is smart and will show up directly at Perth. His tickets are booked. Will he trouble the scorers there? Perhaps. After all, in the parallel universe that Santa Shastri comes from, they live on hope.
Standing apart from the rest in a corner by themselves on that sleigh, holding bats that don’t appear quite so outsized but still unwieldy in their tiny hands, are the mid-sized elves – Cheteshwar Pujara and Ajinkya Rahane. They will do their best, but a 50 each once in six innings may not be enough to delay Christmas.
In a big sleigh that follows Santa’s is a giant among his men with a bat that can potentially delay the early arrival of the Lord’s day. Alas, cricket being a sport that requires both ends of the crease to be occupied, Giant Virat Kohli will in all likelihood spend a few hours every week out on the 22-yards breaking individual records with impunity.
Virat Kohli of India (Photo by Philip Brown/Getty Images)
The anguish in his eyes as he witnesses the funeral procession of pint sized elves at the other end, will however overshadow whatever he does single-handedly.
Finally in the third sleigh will be a set of dashing young muscular men holding red cherries. Bumrah, Bhuvi, Shami and Ishant, the best opening attack in the history of Indian cricket, and one of the best in the world today, will do everything possible to delay Santa opening his bag too early. But alas, picking 20-wickets with insane regularity can only help if their elvish colleagues put some runs on board.
And on the third day of the third Test at Melbourne, as Australians across the nation prepare to forgive each other (including Steve Smith and David Warner – this is Christmas after all), and open their gifts below beautifully decorated trees, news will filter through – Christmas has arrived a few hours early, fast tracked by Air India.
Rats
Guest
Yep.. sadly, this is the second trip to England for most of the Indian batsmen. Still they have issues to sort out. It would be second or third trip to Australia for most of the Indian batsmen later this year. Still I can visualise N Lyon troubling them and batting line up collapsing. Let alone fast bowlers. Begs the question, does it make sense for the Indians to boast about batting talents in the country, IPL, U19 WC wins.
Anindya Dutta
Roar Guru
Thanks Rats. I am by now fairly used to Shastri’s hyperbole but this one truly took the cake I must admit! He dwells in a parallel universe for sure.
AREH
Roar Guru
They are every chance to match it with Australia at home - they might even start favourites? If they can get more out of their top order, and post some hefty totals, Australia's inexperienced batting to some extent, mightn't cope. Regardless of how convincingly Australia have won the last couple of home series against India, you'd expect this will be much closer.
Anindya Dutta
Roar Guru
I am afraid you may we’ll be right. How delusional Santa Shastri exactly was made clear when he talked about how many Tests India has won overseas under his watch. Except the one in SA and one in England they have all been either in SL or WI. If you don’t recognize a problem, you cannot find a solution.
Rats
Guest
Good one Anindya.. On a serious note, who else is annoyed with Shastri's brainless arrogance? He says they are the best travelling side in the world just because they won one Test in England and one in SA. Is he kidding? Does he think people watching this game are fools? An young inexperienced Pak side managed to win 1 test in England (in a 2 match series that too) and a reasonable experienced Pak side won 2 tests in England in the tour before that. SL won a test in SA in their last tour. I didn't hear Pak and SL coaches come out and say they are the the best travelling side in the world. Even Australia won a test in India last time. Either Shastri is living in his own bubble or he thinks we are fools.
Rats
Guest
"So while all may look glommy for now but change in playing 11 and more practice should help India." But the point is Saurabh, will Indians learn from their mistakes. Will they have enough practice matches before the first Test? Regarding changes, do you think Indian selectors will make sensible changes? They will keep trying the same things expecting different results. Australian bowlers are going to be too good for Indian batsmen. What we learnt from last Test is, Indian batsmen barring two can't bat when it swings a bit, can't bat when it spin a bit. They keep failing to M Ali. Come on.. That's unacceptable. Their lack of winning Test matches by seizing the moments is what is worrying me. They can't think how they can do the killer blow. In the last match, they were in a position in first innings at 145/2 trailing by just 100 runs. Kohli and Pujara looked like they were very comfortable. Their plan should have been to bat out the entire second day. Have a significant lead and take England out of the game. Instead, Kohli and Rahane who came to bat next missed to seize the moment knowing that one wicket is enough for a collapse. My worry is, this team when they are in a position to give a killer blow to the opponents, they are not even realising that they are in that position. Too many problems India have for you to even think that they can compete with Australia. Australian team without Smith and Warner will still make this Indian team look like jokers.
Anindya Dutta
Roar Guru
Not sure they would have minded the Gabba but the exercise of the option to refuse to play the D/N at Adelaide was well considered. Santas and Elves climb chimneys at night, they don’t play cricket. They leave that to the big boys :)
Anindya Dutta
Roar Guru
Interesting you say that because Kohli’s successful approach through the series was to take his stance well outside his crease when facing up to the fast bowlers. It worked extremely well. But of course I agree on the rest and hence my ‘stylish trashing’ in this article as someone put it :)
Anindya Dutta
Roar Guru
Santa Shastri is bringing you an oversized Christmas gift this year just for your vote of confidence Saurabh :) Jokes aside, you may Be right, but I for one will just be ready to enjoy Kohli’s batting and the Indian pace bowlers demonstrating why Ronan has been going on about them for months. Tremendous bunch of fast bowlers the Aussies will truly appreciate.
Brainstrust
Roar Rookie
India will benefit from not playing at the Gabba, and not having a day night match. I don't think India have the psychological problem England have here of being scared of pace bowling, but any life in the wicket and extra bounce and its curtains.
Anindya Dutta
Roar Guru
Thanks El Loco. True story! It was a wind-up indeed so a certain amount of poetic license is perhaps warranted :)
Sumon Bhaumik
Guest
Admittedly, I have only watched the highlights, but never have I seen batsmen getting caught plumb in front of the wicket, or trying to hit the ball without moving their feet, with this regularity. And, for these players, playing off the back foot seems to exist only in text books. Sure, highlights provide limited and sometimes biased view of the sport. But over four test matches, I should have seen something that could vaguely remind me of Sunny, Vishy, Vengsarkar, Azhar, Dravid etc. With the exception of Virat, and perhaps Pujara in that one inning, zilch!
El Loco
Roar Rookie
"When was the last time you were up 3-0 in a Test series on Christmas Eve?" Last summer actually. That aside, you're having a nice little wind-up here Anindya, India's batting lineup will go all right in Australia, and with an unusually fierce bowling attack they're well primed for a landmark win.
Saurebh Gandle
Roar Guru
Don't expect Indians to be outclassed like they were in Eng,SA. Australia if they have to win the series have to make tracks which aid swing and that's death knell for Australia too . So while all may look glommy for now but change in playing 11 and more practice should help India. Like all Indian I understand what's the hue and cry has been. This was best chance for us to beat Eng in their own backyard in generation.
Anindya Dutta
Roar Guru
Hahaha
Anindya Dutta
Roar Guru
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Naresh Sadasivan
Guest
Excellent. Indeed! Snow White Kohli & The Seven Dwarfs - Happy Dhawan, Bashful Vijay, Sneezy Rahul, Grumpy Pujara, Doc Rahane, Sleepy Pant, Dopey Panda should surely be performing to a sellout crowd in Oz!
Anindya Dutta
Roar Guru
Could well be the case Matt but I for one won’t be holding my breath. The different ball and lack of sideways movement work in their favour but until I see them actually play well, I shall keep a tight hold on my natural optimism.
Paul
Roar Guru
I know where you're coming from with the "bits and pieces" comment, but don't agree entirely. England have fielded the very best players they have available in this series. There's no Strauss, Collingwood, Peterson, etc out injured. At different times, India have been very good with the bat, so I don't think it's necessarily down to application. I feel as a batting unit, they have not prepared at all well for the seaming delivery, most have no idea where off stump is, few have adapted their techniques to stop playing across the line of deliveries that cut back and only Kohli has shown any degree of consistency. Once they get to Australia, they can play through the line of the delivery far more confidently, so I expect them to do far better on our pitches than they're doing at present.
Matt H
Roar Guru
The pitches here will be completely different to those found in England and the Duke ball that swings and seams will also be missing. As will our best batsman. So all in all I think India still have their best chance in a long time to topple Australia at home.