It was a cold Saturday afternoon in Sydney, and with clouds swirling overhead I found myself at the home ground of the Helensburgh Tigers rugby league team for a fundraiser for a little man named Slater.
The Helensburgh community had gathered to raise money for Slater, a toddler who tragically lost his mother six months ago as a result of domestic violence. While his mother was killed in one room, Slater lay in the next room, blissfully unaware of how much his life had changed in an instant.
In a week during which the NRL has continued to make headlines for all the wrong reasons, it reinforced that senseless acts of violence seem to be all around us and that as a game it’s now time to do more, because what we’re doing at the moment isn’t working well enough.
It’s been a shocking month for the NRL.
First, allegations of sexual assault made against former Parramatta Eels player Jarryd Hayne.
Second, allegations of assault made against Manly Sea Eagles player Dylan Walker.
Then allegations of indecent assault made against Zane Musgrove and Liam Coleman.
And finally, this week, allegations of sexual assault against St George Illawarra player Jack de Belin.
I love rugby league. I love it so deeply. I love my team, the Parramatta Eels, but I also love the ongoing contribution that women make to our game – as fans, experts, commentators, players, administrators and leaders.
It’s been a tremendous year in that regard, with the inaugural women’s State of Origin at North Sydney Oval being a highlight, as was the launch of the NRL Women’s competition.
But when I read about allegations like this, it hurts my heart. It makes me embarrassed and it truly makes me question why so many men who play our game cannot respect other human beings around them, particularly women.
It’s important to make clear that I don’t think the NRL has a cultural problem or any more of a cultural problem than is facing our society at the moment.
Our game is a microcosm of our society and our society is currently grappling with a national emergency – an emergency that has seen at least one woman a week killed this year as a result of domestic violence.
Consider that statistic for a moment and how challenging it can be for women to feel safe in this world.
If men were being killed at similar rates, martial law would be imposed – or action would be taken a lot faster at the very least, I have no doubt.
It’s so easy for people to suggest that the NRL doesn’t care about women. But it simply isn’t the case.
I know that the players who play our game receive more training about respectful relationships through a variety of programs than any other profession.
The NRL also has strong relationships with the Full Stop Foundation and Our Watch, and Alan Tongue continues to deliver his ‘Voice Against Violence’ program to grassroots clubs all around the country.
This is an issue that the NRL takes very seriously.
But what we need now is action. If any of these men are convicted of the crimes they have been accused of, I want their contracts (if they have one) torn up – and I do not want them to ever return to our game.
In the past the word ‘redemption’ has been used in relation to other players who have actually been convicted of crimes similar to those that these five men have been accused of. Some of these men have used their second chance in the NRL as an opportunity to change their lives.
Enough. Not this time. Alleged violent acts of this nature are becoming far too common, and if education is not working, I hazard a guess that being deregistered will send a stronger message.
And the clubs need to work together on this. If a club takes a strong stance in relation to a convicted player, I don’t care how talented they are – the other clubs need to back that decision, as does the NRL.
I will also no longer cop the argument from people that what the players do off the field is not of concern. It is of concern.
The NRL is a multimillion-dollar brand, and apart from causing irreparable damage to communities and families, these alleged acts of violence also threaten our game’s brand.
But as a society there is still so much work to be done.
Almost as depressing as reading about these allegations has been some of the reactions I have read on social media from men and women.
Incredibly, responses to the allegations levelled against De Belin have included, “Why was she getting into a cab at 1am with two men?”, “Why was she drinking?” and, “Why didn’t she just leave?”.
These attitudes all contribute to a society which is not gender equal. No behaviour justifies or invites an assault of any kind.
If someone is robbed walking down the street, no-one asks, “Why did they decide to do groceries in the evening?” or, “Why weren’t they holding their goods closer to their chest?”.
So why do we do this in relation to charges of domestic violence and sexual assault? Is it because crimes of this nature are so horrifying that humans need to come up with reasons as to why it wouldn’t happen to them?
When men and women implore other men to treat women with respect, often it is framed in the context of whether you would want someone to treat your mother or sister in that way.
I think it is much simpler than that.
I go through life every day trying to be the best version of myself I can be, and in essence that boils down to trying my best to be a good human. And at our core, don’t we all just want to be good humans?
Good humans do not assault other humans.
And I want a game full of good humans, because so many men that play our game go above and beyond to serve their clubs and communities with dedication, commitment and respect.
It’s time for us as a game to say that the minority who do not choose to behave in this way leave and are not welcome to come back.
Need help? 24-hour support for domestic violence or sexual assault is available by calling 1800 RESPECT, or at the 1800 RESPECT website.
Rob
Guest
Sorry that was “I’m sure all parties are regretting the decision making on the evening.”
Rob
Guest
It’s not a perfect world unfortunately. I get what you’re saying but emcie is also putting out a good point about Risk behaviour. I’m not sure all parties are regretting the decision making on the evening.
John
Guest
The obvious questions in the back of my mind, is the lack of coverage fuelling the disparity? Is the complete lack of acknowledgement in even government initiatives going to keep this emerging issue as an emerging issue or worse case, bury it? Will the sentiment generated from these campaigns that only depict women as the victims and never a perpetrator, enable those women who do abuse men? Whilst down below you did state from a legal perspective extreme provocation can be used as a partial defence for murder. Then by a logical extension from a practical but not necessarily legal perspective, you would have degrees of provocation that can lead to various degrees of adverse effects dealt upon the provocateur from death to down to name calling. Cheers for the chat.
clipper
Roar Rookie
I have several codes of choice, CT - are they all boring? Thanks anyway for illustrating my point.
Cathar Treize
Roar Guru
Following your code of choice must really be boring Clipper.
The Barry
Roar Guru
But the bias in coverage reflects the disparity in the issue. Male domestic violence against women has been happening a lot longer and a lot more frequently than the other way around. Which you’ve acknowledged. Domestic violence against men is an emerging issue and that’s why services and coverage is so far behind. Anyway...interesting chat. Cheers
clipper
Roar Rookie
Thanks, Phil - I just try and illustrate the reality and avoid any name calling - unfortunately it seems to have got out of hand with a few here!
Birdy
Roar Rookie
Cathar, it's not PC hypocracy ,stupidity. I'm not saying bring in the thought police either I'm simply talking about high profile sportsman who live a charmed life on high income with lots of influence on our young While I don't expect them to be perfect citizens a certain code of behaviour should be expected ie it is wrong to bash women and children.
Cathar Treize
Roar Guru
Rachel Yeo’s family may disagree. Remember rugby union ex player & coach Paul Mulvihill? And Jock what sort of reading does this do for you? https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/dec/04/rugby-rape-trial-ireland-belfast-case And violent? Wake me up when 3 players in 5 months are killed because of a sport now widely declared ‘violent’ in France https://www.theguardian.com/global/2018/dec/18/france-rugby-union-deaths Such ignorance & elitist finger pointing at its finest.
John
Guest
Now it’s where is the media coverage? "I work for a not for profit that offers a lot of services. We don’t get much media coverage because we can’t afford it unless we have a special campaign that we’re matketing. The services for males aren’t as prevalent because the same demand isn’t there because it’s nowhere near as big an issue. I think I’ve got an insight into where you’re coming from but I just fundamentally disagree." When you look at a government initiative like www.respect.gov.au can you seriously tell me that the government can't spend the time to reword their message so that the sole focus isn't just driving the narrative of men as perpetrators and women as victims? Couldn't their message have been respect for one another regardless of gender? We have governments and media driving the narrative that men and perpetrators and women are victims, which by extension means men cannot be victims of disrespect, cannot be victims of verbal abuse. I doubt we will ever know the true numbers of male victims in domestic violence be it mental or physical. When you combine the media narrative that only women are victims and the traditional masculinity which is a barrier that prevents some men from seeking help or even opening up their issues. Hence the lack of demand for male services within your organisation. You think about how long it took for domestic violence to become a recognised issue in women and how at the start women were reluctant to come forward to speak about their issues. How many decades of campaigns it's taken to get more women to speak up and start seeking help. I'm not going to claim male victims are in the same vicinity and I'm also not going to claim males are in the same levels danger, but I will claim there is a definite bias in coverage.
Cathar Treize
Roar Guru
you'd also have to throw out of work the hundreds of thousands of blokes who committed the above statistics if we were to enforce societal expectations. Imagine the economic & social crisis that would create!
Birdy
Roar Rookie
That is scary Cathar never knew or even imagined 1in4 women were victims of verbal and or physical abuse. Strengthens the argument that all convicted players should be thrown out of the game.
Reg Reagan
Roar Rookie
Matt H Roar Guru December 18th 2018 @ 1:17pm “Feel free to not read or comment on Mary’s articles. It would come as a relief frankly.” Feel free not to post your opinion of my comments either “It would come as a relief frankly”. LOL So you think you have the right to tell me where I can and cannot post you peanut? Why just Mary’s stories then? It wouldn’t be just because she is a woman would it? Because THAT would be discriminatory, sexist and hypocritical in light of your other comments.
Fight fair
Guest
If the accusation was proven false why was the perpetrator of the false accusation not named and shamed and their reputation dragged through the mud. Why were they not sued for deformation? Why do those who make false accusations get off so lightly?
BennO
Roar Rookie
Exactly.
BennO
Roar Rookie
eels47, you've missed the part in several posts where I said we need to change the conversation in society so that the message of "don't be a perpetrator" is much stronger. Right now it isn't strong enough because among many other things a) we often blame the victim and b) it is incredibly easy for a perpetrator to get away with their crime. Our strongest messages are don't become a victim and I agree with you, that is education not victim blaming (I've been saying that since the start of this thread! It becomes victim blaming when you ask questions of an actual victim). But when you focus only on that side of the equation and not the currently weak messages about not being a perpetrator of these things, then it is not going to suffice. The evidence is that's been our approach for decades and look where we are. The NRL programs that Emcie is talking about sound great, but the fact that there needs to be specific programs for adult sports stars on why and how they should not become perpetrators is evidence of my point that we have a society wide problem with that side of the equation. We're not talking about people who aren't wired right, we're talking about a broad cross-section of the community who are good at sport. And yet they need special education on not becoming a perpetrator. That tells me there's a problem that we aren't getting the right message to potential perpetrators as they grow up, due to the fact that we have only focused on avoiding becoming a victim.
Cathar Treize
Roar Guru
Actually Birdy "Their Violence Against Women in Australia report notes that one in four women have experienced at least one incident of violence by an intimate partner they may or may not have been living with" "This analysis shows that one in four Australian women experienced at least one incident of violence from an intimate partner (2,194,200, 25.1 per cent) since the age of 15" https://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-04-06/fact-file-domestic-violence-statistics/7147938 It would be a small minority if it were 1.25% perhaps.
BennO
Roar Rookie
Emcie, I'm not trying to censor people at all. If that's what you're taking away from my posts then you aren't understanding me.
eels47
Roar Rookie
Spot on. No jobs for the boys either, get people in who are qualified to conduct investigations. At the moment the Integrity Unit seems to just be a mythical creature that Todd talks about to attempt to justify his actions, or lack thereof, when dealing with these sorts of things.
eels47
Roar Rookie
At least you can admit it, well done.