The Liebke Ratings: Australia vs India, second Test

After India’s victory in the first Test, both sides headed to Perth, a city so isolated from the rest of the country that they consider it normal behaviour to enthusiastically cheer Shaun Marsh to the crease.

Here are the ratings for the second Test between Australia and India.

Perth
Grade: B+

Before the Test began, Indian captain Virat Kohli won much praise for having given up his business class seats to his fast bowlers for the flight from Adelaide to Perth.

Outstanding leadership, pundits agreed, with great human touches.

This was presumably in contrast to stupid old Tim Paine, who’d been spotted sprawled over four business class seats, smoking a cigar and demanding Mitchell Starc bring him fresh champagne every five minutes.

Then he’d extinguished his stogie on Josh Hazlewood’s face and ordered Pat Cummins to dance for him.

“I’m your skipper now!” he roared.

Still, regardless of their very different journeys, both captains eventually showed up to the same destination of the toss. Tim Paine won and asked India to bowl. At some point in time.

Because the great thing about the Perth Test is that nobody on the east coast ever knows what schedule they’re working to over there.

When will the session end? Is it five minutes away? An hour? Who knows. Oh, it’s stumps? Didn’t see that coming at all.

It’s like an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Mathematics
Grade: C-

Australia’s openers Aaron Finch and Marcus Harris put on a century partnership, before Finch was trapped LBW by Jasprit Bumrah. There must be no more satisfying delivery in the modern game than an LBW that’s not reviewed when the option to do so is still available.

Finch’s wicket triggered a mini-collapse with Australia falling from 0/112 to 4/148. But Shaun Marsh steadied the ship.

Excited commentators reminded us that whenever Marsh gets to 10, he averages 60, which is quickly becoming one of my favourite types of stat.

By comparison, once Glenn McGrath got to 25, he averaged 50, the mark of a truly great batsman.

Once Jason Gillespie got to 50, he was never dismissed. But if he had been, he’d have averaged 255.

You get the idea. Feel free to contribute your own in the comments.

Excluding rubbish performances from averages is the kind of mathematical breakthrough that could easily secure Marsh his spot for the next five years. Thank goodness.

Shaun Marsh celebrates a century. (Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

Virat Kohli
Grade: A

The middle order rally saw Australia reach 326 all out. In reply, India were soon 2/8. But those early wickets almost proved Australia’s undoing as it brought Kohli to the crease.

Kohli then proceeded to see off some truly outstanding bowling from Australia to power his way to a magnificent century. It was his, I dunno, 800th or something in international cricket.

As part of his celebrations, Kohli pointed to his bat and then made a gesture with his hand to signify that he was letting his bat do the talking.

Should Virat Kohli be allowed to play with a talking bat? I say: no. However, his bat says yes. So we’re at an impasse.

It took a controversial low catch from Peter Handscomb off the bowling of Pat Cummins to finally get rid of Kohli. The Indian captain stood his ground, forcing the umpires to refer the decision upstairs.

However, and crucially, the soft signal from the on-field officials was that Kohli is Cummins’ bunny. The third umpire, therefore, had no choice but to give him out.

Post-lunch spells
Grade: B

Australia pushed their lead from 43 with ten wickets in hand at the start of the second innings to 235 with six wickets in hand early on the fourth day.

Paine and Usman Khawaja were on the brink of taking the game away from India.

But after lunch, Mohammed Shami struck, removing both set batsmen in the space of nine deliveries, as well as the reset Aaron Finch, returning from a finger injury.

It was a decentish spell – and I mean ‘spell’ in the witchcraft sense.

In retrospect, foolish of the Australians to have those big bowls of get-out soup for lunch. Honestly, they should just take it off the menu.

Sexual tension
Grade: C+

A vital last-wicket partnership of 36 between Starc and Hazlewood meant India needed 287 to win. Tough.

It got tougher still when the same pair took an early wicket apiece to have India 2/13. As the old saying goes, when Starc and Hazlewood bat well in partnership, they bowl well in partnership.

But while Kohli was still at the crease, India were still a chance.

Tim Paine’s banter with Virat Kohli was something else. (AAP Image/Joel Carrett)

So, sensibly, Nathan Lyon dismissed him for 17, caught by Khawaja at slip. Good common sense from the Australian off-spinner, as it helped secure Australia a 146 run win.

But sloppy stuff from Kohli’s talking bat. Come on, bat. If you don’t have anything not out to say, don’t say anything at all.

More disappointingly, however, the wicket of Kohli brought an end to the overt flirting between Kohli and Paine.

All Test, the pair had been engaging in the kind of erotically charged banter that wasn’t fooling anybody.

At one point, Paine asked Murali Vijay if he seriously liked Kohli as a bloke. Which, I assume, is the equivalent of the high school question of ‘do you like Virat or like-like him?’

The sexual tension is palpable. Let’s hope the two can get it together and just do it already in the third Test.