Who does a Queenslander bandwagon this year?

Given no Queensland team looks like getting a date for the big dance, it’s time to scope out a plan B.

Imagine this as an inspiring piece of oratory delivered by a pair of well-worn work boots on a beery bar-top just outside of Rockhampton.

Let me cut straight to the juiciest loin of my argumentative porterhouse. As much as we Maroons hate Syndey, I suspect Newcastle hate them more. Ergo, Newcastle is practically Queensland. Now, take a deep breath Novocastrians, I did say almost.

Clearly, given a choice between us filthy Cane Toads and those loathsome Cockroaches, any self-respecting Novocastrian will drape themselves in the sky blue faster than a Kiwi embraces the All Blacks. Fair enough.

But let’s be honest XXXX-drinkers, what we hate come Origin time (and pretty much the other 49 weeks of the year) isn’t New South Wales per say; it’s freakin’ Sydney.

I mean, who north of the Tweed can honestly say they loathe Bathurst? What about Wagga Wagga? I see most of you looking confused, you thought the town was in Victoria. Okay, what about Byron Bay and Ballina? Yes, I know you love to go there on an Easter long weekend, but both are in NSW.

Geez, I’m not sure I’m getting my point across.

Alright, let’s keep things simple. I’ll focus on Newcastle and Canberra. You get that both places are in NSW right? No, I don’t want to hear about the ACT, it’s still freakin’ NSW. They play in sky blue, so they’re lost to the dark side. Right! I see some of you are leaning towards the Raiders.

Well, you can cut that right out right now. I get that big Mal, Steve Walters and Gary Belcher played for the Raiders and Josh Papalii is there now, but I won’t have it.

Origin is all about the hate, and your facts ain’t helping. Canberra is the capital city, capital of the entire federation and still they bed down with the harbour folk – which is disgusting. Sure, you might say that sounds desperate, but listen to any Origin commentary and you’ll know, if Origin means anything, it’s desperation.

(Photo by Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)

Ok, you foul-mouthed, bottom-feeding, pond scum; I should have dealt with you at the outset.

No. You can fold up your Melbourne Storm and go and drink in the car park. Better folk than you have said I should support Belly-ache’s boys but I can’t and won’t stomach that. They’ve parasited more Queensland talent than all the leeches in Lamington National Park.

What’s more, their guernsey is purple. I mean, what’s with that? It ain’t maroon. It ain’t red. What is it? No, you malodourous little hipster, purple is not the official colour of Victoria. I checked. It’s Navy blue, white and silver, so you can take your organic light beer and rack off!

So, that leaves us with Newcastle. All hale Newcastle! Why should we Northerners support Newcastle? Easy! Let me count the ways.

One; they’re beach folk like us Queenslanders. Apologies to Mt Isa, Longreach, Toowoomba and the rest of those places a costal-fixated, Brisbane-biased state systematically ignores, but as I’m sure you’ve heard many times before, there’s no Ipswich in Queensland.

Two; Allan Langer and Andrew Johns. The only two players to come out of retirement and save an Origin series, until Kevvy calls me that is. Kevin, I’ve got the full kit and I’m ready to go!

Three; they’re all about digging up and shipping out as much rich, black coal as the Northern neighbours will cop.

As if that wasn’t argument enough. The other month I was in a Northern NSW pub and I brought the subject up with the Chief, Paul Harragon. He dropped me to the beer-soaked, RSL carpeted floor with a right hook to the nose – so I reckon we can say he’s keen.

What’s more, the current team boasts some big-name plays Queenslanders hold dear to their hearts; Kalyn Ponga, Aidan Guerra and Mitchell Pearce.

Yeah, I know. That was a bit of cheap shot. What can I say? It’s Origin. So come on Queenslanders! Grab yourself another stubbie of that Great Northern stuff that ain’t even from Queensland and shout it loud and shout it proud.

CARN’ NEWCASTLE! Do it for Queensland!