It was more Groundhog Day than Boxing Day, a feeling not so much of a sporting event as a public execution, as the English media mercilessly savaged England’s 185 as its most spineless batting performance of the series so far.
There was little place to hide in the cavernous MCG for Joe Root’s men nor from their trenchant critics high up in the press box as England capitulated yet again in this most lopsided of Ashes series.
“This is a batting line-up that rots from the head,” scowled The Telegraph’s Oliver Brown.
“Root is incapable of rescuing a ship already holed below the waterline. On a day when a half-century took him to 1,680 runs for 2021, third in the all-time standings for runs in a calendar year, he was a study in quiet desperation as his team-mates’ composure dissolved.”
Ben Stokes of England looks dejected while leaving the field of play after being dismissed by Cameron Green of Australia during day one of the Third Test. (Photo by Robert Cianflone/Getty Images)
Much had been said in the leadup to the showpiece Boxing Day Test on the Australian cricket calendar that England would bounce back from their wretched losses in Brisbane and Adelaide, but the proof was in the Christmas pudding.
“Just when you think England can’t disappoint their supporters any further, they produce a performance to take the Christmas biscuit,” lamented the Daily Mail’s Lawrence Booth.
“Boxing Day, and the start of the third Test at the MCG, was supposed to represent a fresh start, a chance to prove that Brisbane and Adelaide were the exceptions, not the rule.
“Instead, they batted with barrel-scraping ineptitude to be dismissed for 185 – all but gift-wrapping the urn for Australia, complete with a decorative green and gold bow.”
“It was a shellacking to rank with any, and by the close the MCG had long since begun to empty. Even some of the home fans may be beginning to tire of the one-way traffic.”
The latest surrender came on a day England cricket mourned the loss of former England Test skipper Ray Illingworth after a long illness.
“The players wore black armbands in memory of Raymond Illingworth and it is not hard to imagine what he would have thought – and said to the players – about some of the shots played,” upbraided Nick Hoult in The Telegraph.
“This is the last Test of a long year for England of ducks and defeats. English Test match batting has disintegrated, the careless attitude towards first-class cricket catching up with the national team who are on the way to losing a ninth match of 2021 which would be their most in a calendar year.
“There has only been one worse year since 1950 in terms of average runs per wicket. It dropped to 24.8 in this match, the lowest since 1999, and the 50th duck was scored by an England batsman – Haseeb Hameed bringing up an inglorious landmark. They were dismissed for under 200 for the 12th time this year, all out an hour after tea in 65.1 overs of ineptitude.
“Joe Root called for a reaction from his players to their defeat in Adelaide and they responded by serving up an even worse performance on a desperate first day of the third Test.”
Former England captain Nasser Hussain bemoaned in the Daily Mail: “For England supporters this was more Groundhog Day than Boxing Day. It was the same woeful batting performance we have become accustomed to throughout this year.
“England tried shuffling the pack and brought in two new batters in Zak Crawley and Jonny Bairstow but that could only have a limited affect. The problem has been endemic in their batting for a long while.
“The biggest concern was the mixture of poor technique and poor shots, especially from the senior players.”
The Sun’s John Etheridge fumed: “Wickets were tossed away in an embarrassing catalogue of self-destruction.
“And England’s four most senior batsmen – Root, Ben Stokes, Jos Buttler and Jonny Bairstow – were to blame the most.
“They gifted their wickets to the Aussies with all the seasonal generosity of cricketing Father Christmases.
“They might as well have had wrapping paper and a bow around their bats.”
Simon Wilde, in The Times, grimly compared Boxing Day at the festive MCG to more like the scene for a “public execution.”
“At the end of the opening day at the MCG, the tenth day of the series, there was absolutely no sense of this group of England cricketers having made any progress towards breaking this depressing cycle of failure,” Wilde observed.
“As so often when England tour here, there is a feeling that this is not so much a sporting event as a public execution, staged to satisfy Australian egos.
“There are two teams playing two different versions of cricket; the one Australia play is suited to the conditions and the one England play is not — two nations divided by a common pastime.
“Test cricket as it is played in Australia is fundamentally alien to the rank-and-file of English professional players.
“There is no mystery as to what the problems are. The pace of the pitches is faster, the bounce of the pitches is higher, and the Kookaburra balls are less responsive to seam and swing. The climate is harsher and the people brasher.”
The Guardian’s Ali Martin said England had their “pants pulled down” at the MCG.
“The debrief in Adelaide was meant to represent a fresh start for England but was instead followed by pants being pulled down in Melbourne.
“Their batting on Boxing Day was so utterly dysfunctional that even the script writers for EastEnders might have deemed the storyline a bit too depressing for their annual dose of festive humbug,” he scorned.
Former England skipper Mike Atherton, in The Times, took aim at Jos Buttler over his “egregious” dismissal.
“The most egregious dismissal belonged to the most senior of lieutenants, Jos Buttler, who hoisted Nathan Lyon to the one fielder in the deep in the last over before tea. and no sooner had the shot been played than Buttler hung his head in the knowledge of the outcome.
“Trying to hit over long-on, he succeeded only in dragging the ball to deep mid-wicket instead.”
Paul
Roar Guru
Chappelli's got the "Cranky Old Man" excuse, given he's 78. What's Warne's excuse? IMO it's one word that starts with S and ends with Y and it kinda rhymes with cupid.
Tony Harper
Editor
I guess they can just print the same stories again tomorrow...
Mike
Guest
Hussain, Atherton, Boycott, Vaughan and more. It doesn’t seem to happen here. Imagine Border, Waugh, Taylor, Ponting etc all making a living by writing scathing columns. It’s not done or tolerated here. Although both Warnie and Ian Chappell seem to enjoy doing it. I notice both those two have been far less forthcoming in their praise for Starc than they were in their criticism prior to the first test! Typical of them. Both seem to operate more on the UK media model - in my opinion.
Paul
Roar Guru
Exactly. You reckon they'd know better.
Tony Harper
Editor
The other point here is that a lot of the media - Hussain and Atherton for instance in this story - are actually ex-players who suffered from this themselves.
Paul
Roar Guru
"I was astounded at how personal the English media get and how they character assassinate their own." This is the scary part for me. Warne copped a barrage of criticism with his attack on Mitchell Starc, especially when he said "it's not personal" but the English media seems not to care what effect their attacks are having on the players. They need someone to tell them to pull their heads in.
Mike
Guest
Paul - I totally agree regarding the English media. I lived there for some years in the 90s and was gobsmacked at how ridiculously up and then down they are. There seems to be no stability about it. I think the Aussie media states what needs to be said when a team under performs but then quickly moves into “how do we fix it” mode and “come on boys it’s not over we can turn this around”. I was astounded at how personal the English media get and how they character assassinate their own. The current English players will be hurting. They’re English lads who are trying but it’s not happening. They are either under skilled or badly organised - most likely both.. Their media should be helping them with solutions and a “come on, it’s not over yet” spirit. If they really want the players to perform then their own actions and continual vitriol is hardly helping the cause. The English press are just as brutal with their football team. I think it’s why they so often seem to freeze and under perform in major tournaments.
Derek Murray
Roar Rookie
I’m reading a delayed start by 30 mins but will go ahead
The Late News
Roar Rookie
Correct. You shouldn't judge a pitch until both teams have bowled on it.
The Late News
Roar Rookie
Well I don't get it. It's not like England have never played here before. The must have a fair understanding of the conditions here by now...even the proliferation of drop in pitches which have changed the character of several venues. So, you can't continue to reward poor technique with ongoing selection, unless you really have no alternatives. Unless of course you buggered up the selection of the touring party squad in the first place!
Ali
Guest
Covid scare in the England camp before start of the 2nd day’s play in Melbourne,the test and remainder of the series could ultimately be cancelled.
Paul
Roar Guru
I'm not new to reading the English press but am realising the gulf that exists between our media and theirs when it comes to commenting on sporting outcomes. When things are going well for England, eg in white ball cricket, you'd reckon the best eleven blokes on the planet couldn't bet them, but when they're going badly, everyone simply piles on and does their level best to up with the most scathing comments. The reality is, England has run into an Australian attack, led by a very confident skipper and leadership group, that currently has the measure of this batting lineup. The bowling is being well supported by some excellent fielding and some good but also lucky batting. Today will be key to both this match and the rest of the series. It's now about salvaging pride, as well as trying to win key moments, sessions, etc. Hopefully the Pommie bowlers wake up in the right frame of mind and try and stick it to Australia. I want see a real Ashes contest.
Mike
Guest
All of these comments from the English journos seem to imply that their players don't care. I find that hard to believe. A major problem for England is they simply lack ability. They have only one experienced world class batsman. Stokes is an allrounder whose batting, ideally, should be used as an attacking addition to a spine created by other batsmen. However, he is now being required to be the spine with Root. Malan is making a fist of it but that's all they have. Buttler is clearly confused. I get the feeling he'd much rather be playing T20 - a fun to watch but much more simple game. He knows what to do there - go out and slam the ball, no problem if you fail and a quick 40 is a successful innings. The weight of responsibility that happens in Test cricket is not something that seems to rest well with his batting and even his keeping. I'm beginning to think the best way to use Buttler may be to open with him and say "go for it". A quick fire 30 might mean Root comes to the crease with 50 on the board. At least that'd be an improvement!
DaveJ
Roar Rookie
These guys - apart from the likes of Atherton- would much rather put it all down to a failure of character by their players, as if letting the nation down, than give credit to the quality of the Australian bowling and catching. As for Wilde in the Australian talking about “ The climate is harsher and the people brasher.” Playing in England now there is much more hostile noise for the .Australian players. And sometimes it feels the same here when the Barmy Army is here in numbers. So it’s harder to play away from home. Especially when you don’t have a few warm up matches. Who knew?
Rowdy
Roar Rookie
Illingworth would've had a nice Yorkshire chat. England should wake up and appoint only Geordie management. For only the Sons of Vikings can save them.
Derek Murray
Roar Rookie
I agree. We bowled well on a favourable wicket. Will be fascinating to see how England now bowl and how we counter it
JW
Guest
I’m not sure why Lawrence Booth from the daily mail had his hopes up so much. If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have had to write about how disappointed he was.
GWSingapore
Roar Rookie
England were sent in. Australia would have been expecting wickets following that decision.