Buckle up Aussies, you’re in for an unpleasant ride. Imagine you and every other former colony was still part of an alive and kicking British Empire.
Now imagine that said Empire had a team for each sport and had competed internationally since 1945.
How would the world of sports look? How will it have changed? I know, it’s an odd one today.
(I will only count countries that were wholly ruled by the British, so French and American athletes do not count. I am, of course, against imperialism, and am ashamed of my country’s past, this is all for fun.)
Rugby union
Every World Cup. Yep, every single one of them.
Is it hardly surprising considering the British invented the sport? France is the only non-Empire country to have made the final, so all but two of the finals could not have taken place, as they would have been Empire vs Empire.
In a current world rankings, the British Empire would be miles clear at first, with France second and Argentina a distant third.
Here, quickly, is my starting Empire XV: J. Barrett, W. Jordan, R. Ioane, L. Am, M. Mapimpi, B. Barrett, F. De Klerk, T. Nyknane, C. Taylor, T. Furlong, M. Itoje, E. Etzebeth, R. Ioane, M. Hooper, A. Savea.
Cricket
Two sports, two instances where the Empire win every World Cup, this time in ODI and T20. I don’t want to repeat myself, but how shocking is it that this is the case? Cricket would be dominated by the Empire, all of the current top ten in the world Test rankings would be part of an imaginary British Empire team.
My Empire XI: UT Khawaja, CA Pujara, B. Azam, JR Root, JM Bairstow, BA Stokes, RM Jadeja, DJ Mitchell, JJ Bumrah, MA Starc, TA Boult.
Football
Two World Wars and one World Cup. Surprisingly, that chant would stay the same in our alternate universe, with not even another World Cup final to add. However, the Empire would have hosted one more World Cup, with South Africa in 2010.
Football didn’t quite seem to reach the colonies as rugby and cricket did, instead spreading to other parts of Europe and South America.
My football Empire XI (maximum five English players to spice things up): M. Ryan, A. Robertson, W. Troost-Ekong, J. Stones, D. Rice, W. Ndidi, M. Mount, R. Sterling, H. Kane, M. Salah.
Rugby league
After football, we go, once again, to a sport where a British Empire team would be, and would have been, completely dominant.
It’s the exact same as their cross-code rivals, as every World Cup final would be won by the Empire, and the only other country to get a look in would be the French, who for the second time would ultimately lose in two finals.
If you use the official rugby league world rankings, team Empire would be first, Serbia second, and France, to continue the pattern with our alternate rugby union world, would be third.
Athletics
Of the 44 official men’s outdoors records listed on the World Athletics website, 21 would be held by a member of the Empire – just under half. World records that stand out are those for the 100m and 200m, as well as the title for the quickest man over 400m, 800m, 1000m, 3000m, 5000m, 10000m, 21km (half-marathon) and 42km (marathon).
Team Empire would also have won the 2022 World Athletics Championships, with medals coming from across the globe to take down athletics’ big boy, the United States.
In short, a British Empire team would be unfair. Unfair for those who would have to compete against it, and unfair for the suppressive rule of the British. Don’t try Empire, kids.
Tim Buck 3
Roar Rookie
I was looking at your profile and was interested by the British Empire article. I should find a history discussion group, but I can't help myself. I could go on about the Americans entering the war for monetary reasons, but it will suffice to remember that John Maynard Keynes described Woodrow Wilson as the most useless man on earth after the Treaty of Versailles.
Joshua Makepeace
Roar Rookie
Didn't think I'd be talking about this on Christmas Day but here we are! I would argue that the French wanted Versailles to be a lot harsher than the English and Americans wanted. The French were hurt the most, it was their soil the war had been fought on, but Lloyd George and President Wilson were less demanding. Still, I agree that all three countries were too harsh, and the treaty was a direct cause of WW2.
Tim Buck 3
Roar Rookie
France and England didn't care about Germany going into a depression well before 1929. At the end of WW1 the French officer, put a rifle to the German politician's head and said "You caused all these deaths". The Englishman, Weems, put all the blame on Germany. Their lack of morals was the reason for WW2. John Maynard Keynes objected to the Treaty of Versailles, not on moral grounds, but because it was it was economic madness to make Germany pay for everything.
Tim Buck 3
Roar Rookie
Neville Chamberlain wasn't the one who created the Nazis. It was Winston Churchill, Sir Edwin Grey, Herbert Henry Asquith and David Lloyd George went to war so France could win back Alsace and Lorrainne from Germany. That meant Australia, whose Prime Minister was an Englishman Silly Billy Hughes, were at war too.
FunBus
Roar Rookie
I've so many 'lines' way above your level of education, Ouch, that I'm not going to bother delivering any of them. You crack on, mate.
Joshua Makepeace
Roar Rookie
Exiled? I still live in England.
Joshua Makepeace
Roar Rookie
I think garbage is quite harsh. Stokes has relished in Bazball and name a better number 3 in the world than Joe Root. I'm waiting.
Joshua Makepeace
Roar Rookie
You are right about the Comm Games.
Ouch
Roar Rookie
oops, looks like you're one of those people funbus. Let me guess, you're next line would be "but we gave India the railways!!"
Ouch
Roar Rookie
I watched Root and Stokes play over summer and they were garbage. So nope.
Brainstrust
Roar Rookie
Netball wouldn't that be the international sport that is most restricted to the Commonwealth Empire. Cricket would be next. The interesting thing about Netball was it invented from basketball in 1890's yet was all over the Commonwealth in next to no time. The movement of teachers from England to Commonwealth countries would explain the spread. I dont really see what the point if its mainly a Commonwealth sport to having a Commonwealth team.
Ankle-tapped Waterboy
Roar Rookie
I apologise - a schoolboy error.
Derm
Roar Guru
I think you mean the islands of Great Britain and Ireland if you’re going to include hurling and football.
Jim
Guest
Much more fun with the Roman empire. Which RU players for each sport - chariot racing, gladiator fights but still boxing, javelin, wrestling and athletics. Not forgetting cockfighting. No bloody VAR necessary - win or carried out. No playing advantage for ten minutes before being called back. No rolling around on the pitch holding the ankle. No endless breaks whilst everybody has a drink. What's not to love?
kiwineil
Guest
Kudos for originality. I suppose the Comm Games (ex Empire Games planted the seed). I did lose a little interest when you picked Codie Taylor as your starting hooker though!!
mailman
Guest
Hard imagine why you were exiled Pom, with your gracious manner and bizarre arguments.
Joshua Makepeace
Roar Rookie
No Joe Root? Ben Stokes at a push? And surely Jacky Jacky Leach opening the batting?
FunBus
Roar Rookie
Yeah, but you're not interested in learning the complexities of a near 300 year period that covered one third of the planet, are you Ouch? You just want to cherry-pick a few events and approach them with the pre-conceived answers you've already decided upon. It might be many things, but it's not education or history.
Joshua Makepeace
Roar Rookie
I'm currently in the school system in the UK and we haven't learnt about any of those, apart from Amritsar and that was only when we were looking at Gandhi. It seems to be all Tudors and World Wars, but thankfully they do teach about the slave trade, and Britain's role in it.
Joshua Makepeace
Roar Rookie
From my own experience, I've only had one history lesson about the British Empire. It didn't even mention any of the atrocities you mentioned above, it would say, for example "the British shot rebels, " and had the same amount of 'positives' for the Empire as 'negatives'. However, we did briefly touch upon the Jallianwala Bagh Massacre in Religious Studies once, however I'm not sure the horror of that event was conveyed. It seems very much that what the Empire did is shunned from the British public, and I point you to this quote, "The trouble with the Engenglish is that their hiss hiss history happened overseas, so they dodo don't know what it means."