The foolproof strategy to commandeer the couch for the Lord's Ashes Test

Once every four years or so do we get to see an Ashes Test at Lord’s and it makes the fans and players giddy with excitement.

And it doesn’t get better than the first session of day one: 8pm Wednesday night on the eastern seaboard of Australia.

It is time to inform loved ones that for the next two hours (as a start), the latest episode of some British drama, a US true crime series or anything else for that matter must wait.

So have a 6pm dinner, earn valuable credit points by unstacking and then stacking the dishy early … maybe even wipe the kitchen bench. Then grab a basket of washing and place it next to you on the couch.

This is a critical protection technique against any misinformed family members or relatives that may stumble upon you on the couch at 8.01pm. “You watching more sport?”. “I’m folding the washing”. Tick. Go away.

Josh Hazlewood at Lord’s in 2019. (Photo by Gareth Copley/Getty Images)

The toss as always will be critical. The pitch looks a tad green, despite instruction from Bazball devotees.

By the way, in the history of Test cricket, have pitch preparation instructions ever been so blatant? Surely there must be something in Wisden or a book called “The Spirit of Cricket” that says such instructions are not in the spirit of cricket.

The Aussies will not be complaining. Especially D. Warner. Imagine touring England on hard, road-like wickets that offer minimal help to pedestrian seamers? A horrifying thought. So win the toss and just bat. We have heard all the stories. We’ve seen all the mishaps.

Even Mr Perfect, (the first Mr Perfect, before Perfect Pat) Ricky Ponting, won the toss and bowled first once in England. Tim Paine did the same just so England could square up the last series. So today … just bat.

The next task for viewers at home is to count the number of times the commentators utter the phrases “up the slope” or “down the slope”. This will be uttered more times than runs are scored in this Test. Guaranteed. This of course refers to the famous slope at the famous ground.

I’ve seen it once first hand at a county game. It really is quite noticeable. I stared at it a lot as the rain came down for all but 15 overs of the one day I had in London.

Speaking of commentators, can this also be the first Test where Ponting commentates for the entire five days, even if the game ends before the fifth day. He is very welcome to take Kevin Pietersen’s slots. KP did such an “outstanding” job in the first Test he is due a sabbatical. A long one.

Selections for the Test should be straightforward – for one of the two sides at least. It is difficult to see any changes for the Aussies. While Mitch Starc would be useful bowling across and down the slope (or even up the slope), the thinking may be that he could be a tad expensive especially given the side boundaries at Lords can be short.

Josh Hazlewood looks to have pulled up well after a light workload in the first test. The unluckiest man in Australian cricket, Michael Neser will have to wait just one more Test for a run. His drink serving skills are ridiculously good. Too good.

Speaking of drinks, apparently you can take one bottle of wine into the ground to have with your charcuterie board. Now that’s not something you’d see at the Gabba. Given it is just one bottle, you’d make it a good one, wouldn’t you? Your best one in fact. How good.

English selections were a tad more difficult. Moeen’s finger is not quite good enough. Who would have thought going from bowling four overs an innings to bowling 33 overs in the first innings of the first test would cause problems?

Josh Tongue comes in to give the Aussies a potential lashing. With a four-pronged seam attack maybe England does bowl first if Ben Stokes gets the choice?

Joe Root will therefore need to do all the spinning and batting on one of his favourite grounds. As an Aussie I don’t want to give Joe too many coaching tips. But call me old fashioned, if he just batted with 10% less aggression, it would still be twice the aggression he has played with over his truly excellent career.

Then 40s turn into 80s or 100s and England win the first Test. Just saying. Jonny Bairstow will retain his place despite rusty gloves at Birmingham. The eight-day rest between tests has allowed the Broad-Anderson duo with 75+ years of life experience to rest up.

There will be no such luxury between the second and third matches.

So here we are just a few hours away. So settle in and enjoy. And just remember, folding the washing doesn’t truly count unless you walk the folded piles of clothes into the rooms of their owners (but only do so at lunch or tea).