Rugby correspondent Allanthus has obtained a leaked copy of minutes from the latest meeting to negotiate a new contract between the ARU and Quade Cooper. These are reprinted exclusively for Roar readers.
Location: Garden Bar, Coogee Bay Hotel, Sydney.
In attendance: John O’Neill, Matt Dunning, Quade Cooper, Khoder Nasser.
Apologies: Robbie Deans, Sonny Bill Williams.
John O’Neill: Welcome guys, glad you could make it.
Khoder Nasser: What are we doing here? There are people everywhere.
JON: As I’ve always said to Robbie, sometimes the least obvious strategy is the best option.
KN: Hmm…
JON: Ready to order? Quade, why don’t you try the ice cream?
Quade Cooper: Who’s the fat bloke?
JON: I’ve bought Matt Dunning along, he’s our new specialist drop kick coach.
KN: So what’s the latest offer?
JON: Well, we’ve listened carefully to Quade’s concerns and we’re prepared to make some changes.
KN: Excellent.
JON: From next year we’re going to establish a new, permanent, world class training facility on the roof of Star City.
KN: Ok, we’re listening.
JON: And we’ve lobbied the IRB to officially widen the pitch by 10 metres, so Quade’s kick offs don’t go out on the full.
KN: Excellent. What else?
JON: I contacted the NZRFU, they’ve forwarded me an apology from the New Zealand public, personally signed by Richie McCaw.
(JON passes a piece of paper to KN and QC)
QC: What does it say? I can’t read it?
JON: Take those stupid dark glasses off then.
QC: (loses the shades) But I still can’t read it.
KN: It says “Hey Quade, get f**ked”. (to JON) That’s no apology.
JON: That’s your interpretation. I see it as an olive branch. It’s positive that they’re reaching out.
KN: What about an apology from the ARU for providing a toxic workplace and destroying Quade as a person?
JON: Yes, we unreservedly apologise. And to show it, here are two free first class tickets to Argentina for the weekend.
QC: Gee thanks. But I only need one ticket, me and Steph didn’t work out since Kobe nailed a slam dunk.
JON: The other ticket is for Matt.
Matt Dunning: Quade, you plant your left foot, clean drop, follow through smoothly with the kicking foot, and keep your head down.
QC: Keep my head down? I might struggle with that bit.
(JON sits back contentedly, happy with his work)
JON: So do we have a deal?
KN: But he can’t play this week, he’s injured.
JON: So what, so’s everyone else. Matt’s taking his boots too, now that there are uncontested scrums.
MD: Hey, I copped a lot of sh*t for our scrum when it was really Al Baxter’s fault.
JON: There you go, you boys will get on just great – you both know how to stick up for your teammates.
KN: What about the cash?
JON: Well yes, I’ve had to knock that back a little bit. There’s a bit of GFC still hanging around, and a couple of the TV networks are broke. But I’ve arranged for Quade to talk to Willie Ripia about how to maximise earning opportunities.
KN: What if that’s not enough? I want a clause that allows him to box.
JON: Ok, but only if you specify a soft opponent, an old hack who hasn’t beaten anybody of note in years.
KN: Anthony Mundine?
JON: Perfect.
(KN and JON shake hands on the deal)
KN: It will be great to have Quade back in the green and yellow again. At the end of the day, people talk about money but all I want is what’s best for Australian rugby.
JON: That’s actually green and gold, by the way.
KN: I guess you can take the boy out of Tokoroa but you can’t take Tokoroa out of the boy.
(JON suddenly jumps to his feet)
JON: We’d better split. Greg Growden just pulled up outside.
MD: But I’ve still got two pies to go.
QC: Hey, this ice cream tastes like sh*t.
Mike
Guest
Should've spotted the last line coming.... Great read Allanthus, more please
Mike
Guest
and not enough Papuans in the team...
AndyS
Guest
That is almost as funny as the article - the mind boggles at all the ways that could go horribly wrong! :D
Who Needs Melon
Roar Guru
I'm late to the party but I have to concur with everyone else. Brilliant! :) We need a bit of this to offset the dead-serious debate and judgements we all (myself included) indulge in on sites like this.
moaman
Roar Guru
Thoroughly enjoyable and brilliantly written ;-)
Ian
Guest
Good work. Loved the humour! :D
jeznez
Roar Guru
Nice one Allanthus
AdamS
Roar Guru
Brilliant. Hats off.
Harry
Guest
Like all really good satire, its brilliance lies in being based on reality!
Harryonthecoast
Guest
You have to do this regularly!!! One gets sick of all the negativity around. WELL DONE!
Riccardo
Guest
I just did MOC. Just adds to the brilliance of the penmanship. VERY funny!
M.O.C.
Roar Guru
I was wondering why the location was chosen as I started to read, but the final line hit the home run - sweet. For all the non-Aussies on the roar who did not get this reference - Google "Coogee Bay Hotel ice cream" and you will get a second laugh.
Allanthus
Guest
Sage, I have it on good authority that they didn't last as far as the gate. No pie is safe within a 100m radius of the Dunster... Jeremy, "1800 NO PUSH", beautiful work... Thanks all for the comments, it has been a bleak few weeks and no getting around the fact that there are some serious problems in the Australian rugby world (and thus by definition in the wider rugby world because rugby per se needs Australia to be strong). But also nice to be distracted by a bit of nonsense for at least a few moments...
nickoldschool
Roar Guru
If the coogee bay hotel owners thought we had forgotten, no we haven't . That was a classic. Didn't see it coming when I started reading it.
Sage
Guest
Good job Alanthus but what ended up happening with those last 2 pies ?
Brett McKay
Expert
:-D Brilliant...
AussieKiwi
Guest
I made that mistake with LOL too, I made some inappropriate responses to things which were not funny at all until my error was pointed out! NIce artiicle.
sheek
Guest
Awesome! LOL :-) I used to think lol meant lots of love, but my daughter tells me the new meaning is laugh out loud - which I did!
GCTiger
Guest
Very Good.
Happy Hooker
Guest
No doubt we'll get KN's take on it in Danny Weidler's column on Sunday!