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Rugby correspondent Allanthus has obtained a leaked copy of minutes from the latest meeting to negotiate a new contract between the ARU and Quade Cooper. These are reprinted exclusively for Roar readers.
Location: Garden Bar, Coogee Bay Hotel, Sydney.
In attendance: John O’Neill, Matt Dunning, Quade Cooper, Khoder Nasser.
Apologies: Robbie Deans, Sonny Bill Williams.
John O’Neill: Welcome guys, glad you could make it.
Khoder Nasser: What are we doing here? There are people everywhere.
JON: As I’ve always said to Robbie, sometimes the least obvious strategy is the best option.
KN: Hmm…
JON: Ready to order? Quade, why don’t you try the ice cream?
Quade Cooper: Who’s the fat bloke?
JON: I’ve bought Matt Dunning along, he’s our new specialist drop kick coach.
KN: So what’s the latest offer?
JON: Well, we’ve listened carefully to Quade’s concerns and we’re prepared to make some changes.
KN: Excellent.
JON: From next year we’re going to establish a new, permanent, world class training facility on the roof of Star City.
KN: Ok, we’re listening.
JON: And we’ve lobbied the IRB to officially widen the pitch by 10 metres, so Quade’s kick offs don’t go out on the full.
KN: Excellent. What else?
JON: I contacted the NZRFU, they’ve forwarded me an apology from the New Zealand public, personally signed by Richie McCaw.
(JON passes a piece of paper to KN and QC)
QC: What does it say? I can’t read it?
JON: Take those stupid dark glasses off then.
QC: (loses the shades) But I still can’t read it.
KN: It says “Hey Quade, get f**ked”. (to JON) That’s no apology.
JON: That’s your interpretation. I see it as an olive branch. It’s positive that they’re reaching out.
KN: What about an apology from the ARU for providing a toxic workplace and destroying Quade as a person?
JON: Yes, we unreservedly apologise. And to show it, here are two free first class tickets to Argentina for the weekend.
QC: Gee thanks. But I only need one ticket, me and Steph didn’t work out since Kobe nailed a slam dunk.
JON: The other ticket is for Matt.
Matt Dunning: Quade, you plant your left foot, clean drop, follow through smoothly with the kicking foot, and keep your head down.
QC: Keep my head down? I might struggle with that bit.
(JON sits back contentedly, happy with his work)
JON: So do we have a deal?
KN: But he can’t play this week, he’s injured.
JON: So what, so’s everyone else. Matt’s taking his boots too, now that there are uncontested scrums.
MD: Hey, I copped a lot of sh*t for our scrum when it was really Al Baxter’s fault.
JON: There you go, you boys will get on just great – you both know how to stick up for your teammates.
KN: What about the cash?
JON: Well yes, I’ve had to knock that back a little bit. There’s a bit of GFC still hanging around, and a couple of the TV networks are broke. But I’ve arranged for Quade to talk to Willie Ripia about how to maximise earning opportunities.
KN: What if that’s not enough? I want a clause that allows him to box.
JON: Ok, but only if you specify a soft opponent, an old hack who hasn’t beaten anybody of note in years.
KN: Anthony Mundine?
JON: Perfect.
(KN and JON shake hands on the deal)
KN: It will be great to have Quade back in the green and yellow again. At the end of the day, people talk about money but all I want is what’s best for Australian rugby.
JON: That’s actually green and gold, by the way.
KN: I guess you can take the boy out of Tokoroa but you can’t take Tokoroa out of the boy.
(JON suddenly jumps to his feet)
JON: We’d better split. Greg Growden just pulled up outside.
MD: But I’ve still got two pies to go.
QC: Hey, this ice cream tastes like sh*t.