Where do you sit on cricket's political compass?

Whether you like it or not, Australian society currently exists in binary times.

Depending on which side you sit, you’re either an all-knowing individual of flawless repute, or just a pustule covered troll who is on a certain path to hell.

Yes, despite plenty of room existing for all if we adequately space out across the beam, the lot of us are classified to be stationed on either the right or the left – sometimes against our will – mostly by a modern ethics system which is pretty much just Twitter.

While it is unproven, untrue and never discussed, cricket is no different.

Just like politics, our policies and beliefs on the game arrange us much like the political landscape; that’s polarised, with a pack of insane lunatics on one side and a menagerie of deranged fruit bats on the other.

So where do you sit? Are you a right-wing cricket devotee, or are you are a lefty? Or worst still, are you a dangerous extremist?

Sure, you’re probably just like everyone else, totally cocksure you’re better than to be dragged in to this never-ending, unsolvable debate because you’ve got your marbles and you’re not guided by ideals.

But as the below will attest, you are wrong. (Or possibly right. Binary, and all that.)

1. You are right-leaning if…

Your ideal day at the cricket is 25 tinnies on the hill, shirtless, hopeful of police intervention which can be later boasted about.

You miss the old Channel Nine commentary team, but you love oft-recounted blokey anecdotes, so the new guys are alright.

When you mow the grass, you wear a Greg Chappell hat.

When you listen to the cricket, you listen to the ABC, but you do so reluctantly as you lament its decline in standard.

You have no interest in the fortunes of minnow nations.

You still proudly use the term ‘batsman’, ‘French cut’ and ‘Chinaman’ as often as possible.

You’re aware of the women’s game but only know Elyse Perry and Heals’ daughter which is actually his niece.

You think George Bailey is a good bloke but he can’t bat and that’s all that matters.

You think Glenn Maxwell should ‘pull his head in’.

You are reluctantly beginning to accept the Big Bash League, and somewhat enjoy it, but always feign scant interest amongst male friends.

2. You are left-leaning if…

Your ideal day at the cricket is street food and wifi in the dry area with your kids, with no more than four beers, preferably craft.

You tolerate the new Channel Nine commentary team, purely out of respect to the cultural capital earned by their predecessors.

When you mow the grass, you wear a Renegades snapback with your ears tucked in.

When you listen to the cricket, you listen to the ABC with deep gratitude, mostly via streaming.

You believe Australia has a responsibility to assist the development of minnow nations.

You make a conscious effort to say ‘batters’, ‘miscued stroke’ and ‘left-arm unorthodox’.

You avidly follow the women’s game and made sure everyone knew you applauded the move in to the professional era.

You think George Bailey’s recent poor form should be overlooked because you can’t measure the influence of a good bloke in a team environment.

You savour Glenn Maxwell’s free-spirited attitude because we need to ‘let the children flourish’.

You appreciate the Big Bash League because it is great for women and children, and the colours really pop in your selfies.

3. You are extreme right-wing if…

Your ideal day at the cricket is in a corporate box as far away from the public as possible.

You own a huge amount of shares in Channel Nine.

You don’t mow the grass because your Rose Bay estate is too expansive, so you hire a gardener for $13 an hour and instruct them to destroy any balls hit over the fence.

You absolutely detest the ABC and make political donations to assist lobby for its closure.

You believe the minnow nations are a financial millstone who should pay their own way, and while they’re at it, assimilate.

You will berate anyone who says ‘batters’ and you enjoy saying ‘French cut’ and ‘Chinaman’ a little too often, even in non-cricket situations.

You’re not even aware women’s cricket exists.

You think George Bailey is mentally soft and you yelled this at him in your youth while robed in a flag.

You are disgusted by Glenn Maxwell’s flashiness because short-form cricket sucks and you wished all formats were still played in whites.

You hate Big Bash League because it allows imports to take our jobs, and we should only be accepting imports when Australia needs a leg-spinner.

4. You are extreme left-wing if…

Your ideal day at the cricket is picketing to prevent the groundsman from heartlessly deforesting the pitch.

You don’t own a television and follow cricket news via the Get Up! newsletter.

You don’t have any grass to mow because you live in a studio apartment in Surry Hills, so you just trim your bonsai tree.

You listen to the ABC, but you exclusively listen to ABC NewsRadio on AM through an antique timber wireless, ironically only a few years old.

You believe the minnows deserve more support from the affluent nations and anyone who disagrees is a racist pig.

You say ‘non gender-specific on strike’ and believe the terms ‘French cut’ and ‘Chinaman’ contravene Section 18C.

You’ve given up on women’s cricket because it’s too mainstream, so you are waiting for a competition exclusively of transgender mormons.

You think George Bailey should be PM because surely he’s a patron of the Save the Tasmanian Devil Appeal.

You believe the Big Bash League is morally bankrupt because it encourages free market capitalism and caps import numbers.