A historical First XV of famous Australian faces

Is there something unique about how rugby is played in this great Southern Land? By crikey there is!

Isolated for eons, infused with the marsupial, martial spirit – Australian rugby reflects our vast open spaces, hence the instinct to run the ball towards them. Other lands are densely populated and thus display an innate desire to punch the ball up, directly into the meat of the traffic.

Now that I’ve stated the obvious, how, I hear you ask, do we achieve this on the pitch and still walk away with the lollies after 80 minutes? Good question, Michael.

When composing a crack unit to assault the heights of international rugby, one should reflect upon the traits shared by the giants of our cultural compost. So, after laboriously sifting through the exploits of champions, martyrs and legends across every field of endeavour in our humble, yet glorious homeland, I give you…

Australia’s historical First XV – Men’s

1 Bert Newton. From the head down, the man was purpose-built to hold up a scrum.

2 Ned Kelly. First picked in my team. If you want a hard-headed hooker, who keeps coming out firing even when the game is up, Ned’s your man. He was even wearing headgear before it was a thing.

3 Rupert Murdoch. Your tighthead has to strike fear into opposition packs. I ask you, who knows more about the dark arts than Rupes? (Just picture the man with cauliflower ears – scary).

4 Greg Norman. It would not be the first time the Wallabies have entrusted goal-kicking duties to the second row. His range with the ball is undeniable and who better to take that very kickable penalty when everything is on the line and only seconds left to play?

5 Paul Hogan. An obvious choice really. The man has a lot of experience with lifting and having worked on the Harbour Bridge, you know he’s good with heights.

6 and 7. Just like our current crop, this squad has an embarrassment of riches when it comes to pilfering. So, it was a tough call, but Christopher Skase gets the seven and Alan Bond carries off the six given his extra size.

8 John Laws. What a delight for players and viewers alike to have Mr Golden Tonsils himself calling the throws at lineout, or gently goading the pack to higher feats of exertion from the back of the scrum. What’s more, when inspired to do so, the man really can give something a good push.

9 Bob Hawke. Picks himself here. Fast on his feet, a dashing set of teeth and head of hair that is a marketer’s dream. (He is also in charge of organising the third half).

10 John Curtin. He gets the nod and the captaincy. Sure, it’s a controversial pick, but the chemistry between the halves is assured. Curts is also a proven performer under pressure and is not afraid to make the big calls.

11 Mark ‘Chopper’ Read. Perhaps a surprise selection for some, but those that know their rugby, know that scoring in the corner is all about the speed. Nuff said.

12 and 13: Robert Burke and John Wills. This centre pairing has proven success in dominating the middle of the park. You’ll get no crabbing to the left or right from this partnership, just a dogged desire to truck it up north-to-south, come what may.

14 Patrick White. This selection is for the rugby traditionalists; those that remember the days when wingers were anonymous. Well, Patrick White is the only Australian to have won a Nobel Prize for literature. Ever heard of him?

15 Henry Lawson. We all know fullbacks are superfluous, I should know, that’s where I played. So, Lawsie can make himself useful on game day by standing out there and writing something nice about the match, to read out to the team after. (I would have picked Banjo Paterson, but because of his grandmother on his father’s side, Scotland have just signed him).

Coach: Phar Lap. Yes, I realise the obvious issue here, but all the best coaches are Kiwis. Provided his heart was in it, and oh what a heart, he has a winning mentality second to none. Also, you can bet he wouldn’t be asking for much of a package. And right at the minute, that is kind of a plus.