Elite mateship: The answer to our prayers

And lo, the brown-nosed gnome came to lead us out of the wilderness.

Yes, Justin Langer is the new coach of the Australian cricket team, the latest in a long line of distinguished men who Shane Warne considers completely useless. And he has already put his finger on the one thing the side needs more than anything else: “elite mateship.”

When I heard JL (one of history’s great nicknames, by the way) utter these words, I smiled a relieved smile and sat back, knowing that finally we were in good hands and happiness was imminent for every Australian fan. Because there’s no doubt that the woes of the Australian team of late have been traceable to the same cause: mateship that is insufficiently elite.

We all know the story of Cape Town, after all: how David Warner suggested sandpapering the ball and Cam Bancroft responded, “Sure, why not? I have no friends anyway.” We know how the plan was described to Steve Smith, who considered objecting but thought it would seem rude as he wasn’t all that close to Warner or Bancroft.

Once the trio had been suspended for their failure to bond at a professional level, the sub-standard mateship of the team became even more damaging.

(AAP Image/Dave Hunt)

Tim Paine, thrown into the captaincy with no time to build up his mate muscles, found himself floundering under the weight of a tide of detached aloofness, with a playing group made up of, at best, passing acquaintances.

Batsmen walking out to the middle with colleagues they’d never spoken to, bowlers trying to set fields with teammates whose names they couldn’t remember.

And at the end of each day’s play, everyone went home to sleep with barely a word. No wonder the team’s performance fell away dramatically, with such a pathetic standard of mateship.

All that is in the past, though, as new coach Langer is set to implement a rigorous programme to get the team’s mateship up to elite level as soon as possible.

Langer believes that if the players commit and work hard, they could be elite mates in time for the 2019 Ashes, and indeed he expects mateship to be at semi-elite levels by the 2018-19 home summer.

The details of the Elite Mateship Pathway to Attainment of Team Harmony, or EMPATH, as yet to be made public, but it is believed it will begin later this month with a squad camp, with attendance compulsory for all CA-contracted players.

At the camp, which will be held upstairs at the Imperial Hotel, players will be walked through the basics of mateship, including binge drinking, masculine hugging technique, using bravado to mask emotions, and some more binge drinking.

There will also be thrice-daily sessions of Langer himself standing on a table singing Underneath The Southern Cross at everyone.

Assuming the successful completion of the camp, the players will then be introduced to the Matey System, which is like the buddy system but manlier.

Each player will be assigned a Mate, with whom he must speak on the phone at least once a day, while never allowing himself to speak more than seven words in a row at any point of these phone conversations.

Mates must also complete certain Mate Tasks, such as a weekend fishing trip, a spotlight roo shoot, and nude wrestling.

As summer approaches, it will be time to start practising actual cricket, but Langer’s innovative coaching philosophy will see Elite Mateship permeate team training itself as well.

After every delivery in the nets, for example, the batsman and bowler will be required to embrace each other.

During slips catching practice, every time a catch is dropped the culprit must share a handy gardening tip with the rest of the team.

And prior to every session, the entire team must get blind drunk.

It won’t happen overnight, but what’s important is that there finally seems to be light at the end of the tunnel.

After years of frustration for Australian cricket fans, as we watched our beloved team play game after game without ever really convincing us that they were genuine pals, the new commitment to elite mateship means hopefully we can see a team we can be proud of once more.

Now that JL is in charge, other countries will soon stop saying of us, “they don’t really get along”.

Bring on the new age.