Forrest Gump was not a smart man, according to Forrest Gump. And according to lanky-large Parramatta Eels second-rower Shaun Lane, he too was not a smart man to be photographed on mad Monday with a bag of white powder and dressed as Forrest Gump.
And a fair cop to both.
Lane did stress that he had done nothing illegal and was holding a bag of white powder as, one assumes, a prop for a gag in which Forrest Gump holds a bag of white powder.
And while it certainly sounds like bullshit, let’s take Lane at his word that nothing illegal went down and that it was just a bag of white powder that may have been used to put upon a baby’s bottom or to soothe jock rash or to use as a prop for a gag about Forrest Gump.
We don’t know the context for Lane’s jape, and humour can be lost in the analysis.
“Humour is tragedy minus time,” Denis Carnahan said on a podcast I heard the other day, and you had to be there, and all that, from the sounds of it, et cetera.
And so rugby league’s well-practised doctors of the dark arts of spin extinguished Lane’s little spot fire by trotting him out to the media and onwards, outwards into the eyeballs of you, sports consumer, and people variously clutched pearls or passed beer nuts or knocked out a column or podcast.
And the world moved on, no more to see here.
And here we are.
And on the scale of a shat in Schlossy’s shoe to rorting the salary cap with a second set of books, Lane’s peccadillo rates a two on the Disgrace-o-meter I just made up.
If nude Burgii on a telephone is a one, dressing as Forrest Gump and mugging for a camera with a bag of white powder is a two. Three at worst.
Fact.
Not a fact, it’s a subjective thing, your Disgrace-o-Meter.
And in five or ten years it will rate a zero because Australia will grow up and realise that drugs are just another vice that people consume, no better or worse than heavy drinking, smoking or slotting your mate’s rent into The Queen of the Nile.
Fact.
I don’t know if it’s a fact. The future is unset, as my man The Mole would tell you given he published a yarn declaring Nathan Brown safe for 2020 on the day Nathan Brown quit.
Ha. It happens. And his sources were lying or didn’t know, and it happens, and so on.
And no-one is safe from the future, especially not coaches in an NRL that stands for Not Really Long.
And here we are, again.
Now! I believe it behoves upon us, sports fans, to turn the microscope upon ourselves and to analyse what we give a stuff about.
And ask ourselves: when do you reckon, given our cultural mores, that rugby league fans and/or the greater Australian sports-watching public will cease to be surprised and/or give a stuff that NRL players, who are young men, take drugs.
(AAP Image/Craig Golding)
I know! Say no to drugs, kids, because drugs are bad, mmm-kay?
And yes, these young fellow are paid lots of money to play footy and their employer can test them, just as airlines can test pilots and feds can test cops.
And all that greater argument. There’s a hundred tangential spin-offs, all arguments for another time.
In this one, let’s declare ourselves straight-talking Aussie diggers who call spades bloody shovels and acknowledge, right or wrong, that man-boys of Australia take drugs all the time.
And that we should cease to be shocked or haul those who do over the coals.
Because it’s a massive industry.
In one financial year, 2017-18, the Australian Federal Police seized 30 tonnes of drugs worth $5 billion, a record.
So what do these busts take out of the market? Five per cent? Ten per cent at very best?
That means there’s $100 billion worth of drugs being consumed by Aussies each year, which makes the practice, like booze and cigarettes and poker machines, a vice that is a fact of life in Australia.
Fact. Of. Life.
You don’t have to like it. But you must acknowledge that it’s a thing, and cease to be surprised and/or shocked that footy players take drugs.
Because everyone does.
Not everyone, but it’s a guilty secret of not only the Double Bay party set, and footy players are as susceptible to the temptations of the Beelzebub’s sherbet as anyone.
And not just the youth. But middle-aged and older accountants, plumbers, journalists, police, politicians, priests, teachers, firefighters and climate changes scientists and deniers take drugs, the latter most of all, ha.
Ha! Cool your jets, types, it’s a gag.
Now! NRL players – and probably AFL ones too given the microscope they’re under – cop it so very viscerally for a vice so many people enjoy.
Lane wasn’t photographed snorting the damned stuff or injecting it or rubbing it on his eyeballs. He was dressed as Forrest freakin’ Gump, mugging for a mate with a bag.
(Matt Blyth/Getty Images).
The Tele splashed it onto its front page.
No photo, no story. Lane’s mea culpa was more that he was stupid to be photographed than to be carrying a bag of white powder.
And that’s fair enough.
Leaguies cop it when other sportspeople don’t. Rugby union had a few blokes busted a few years ago and it wasn’t good for the code and Brad Thorn brushed James Slipper to the Brumbies, and the Brumbies said “Thanks, Brad Thorn, he’ll do us”, and James Slipper is playing for Australia.
The odd Sheffield Shield cricketer has been pinged, and if you believe they are the only professional cricketers who’ve snorted a line or pinged a pill or whatever, I have an eight-ball dime bag of Wizz Fizz posing as Colombian coke for you.
Yet NRL players, by virtue of their celebrity – and one assumes their role models of very fit churchies for the children – are hauled over the coals.
And it is not fair, because it is not fair dinkum.
And one day we’ll cease to give a stuff because we’ll be grown-up enough to acknowledge that prohibition doesn’t work and that a footy player consuming something that millions of his peers do every weekend is not something to worry about.
Their business. Pass the beer nuts.
Noosa Duck
Roar Rookie
I agree with what "The Barry" has stated earlier.....Sure it was just a prank and years ago when people did not have this little gadget in their pocket called a mobile phone with a camera in it and before social media came to town we all got up to merry hell and got away with it because no one was going to take a picture of you being half pissed & a total moron ....... Mitchell Pearce dog hump party prank was just that a prank....Tod Carney I thought was hilarious and Lane's pretty dumb ....but also harmless...until it get on the fron page of the Telegraph for the pure sensationalism of it and bugger the players reputation & future and whilst ever these blokes keep doing this stuff the newspapers will keep sticking it on the fron page. You would have thought they would have learnt by now considering what has happened over the past few years, but sadly no. It has nothing to do with the pro's & cons of recreational drug use or morality it is to do with not getting the "dick head of the month " award which is exactly what Lane received for leaving yourself wide open for a social media and front page newspaper story making more of it than the prank it was just intended to be.
Tim Buck 3
Roar Rookie
I doubt that you could give me the name of someone killed by cannabis but I could tell you my brother and two uncles were killed by alcohol. Other drugs like the painkiller morphine and it's derivatives only kill because of prohibition. Explain why prohibited substances are called "controlled substances" when prohibition rules out any controls.
Tim Buck 3
Roar Rookie
‘Australia can not even have a reasonable fact based discussion on recreational drugs.’ I argued that control was better than prohibition of some drugs on Usenet and discussion groups about 25-30 years ago. I was contacted by an old friend who warned me that the federal police would take up the argument if I persisted. Their argument “De law is de law” is a winner.
DNZ
Guest
Except the vast majority of Australians who recreationally use drugs do so without any of the consequences you mentioned. As do most people who gamble or drink. There are way too many hyperbolic statements about the effects of drugs and this is what undermines any attempts at harm minimisation, people know these sort of statements about you are lucky if it doesn't completely ruin your life are simply not true.
Nat
Roar Guru
I'm no hypocrite like any other middle-aged and older accountants, plumbers, journalists, police, politicians, priests, teachers, firefighters and climate changes scientists and deniers. Doesn't make it ok though and nor should a bling eye be turned. If you've come through the other side of it and still have your career, misses, assets and teeth you've done better than a lot of others who chose to ride the lightening. The best thing that can happen is these young guys get caught and get help because when the footy finishes and the money is not as abundant the habit still remains if not grows without the fear of consequence. The greatest post-game fear we have at the moment is CTE. Compare that to the players addicted, jailed or dead and explain to me why we refer to this disease as "recreational".
G. Rose
Guest
Such a professional sport..
Nat
Roar Guru
He's just never grown up. Literally achieved everything there is in the game and never had to want for anything for the last 20yrs. Is it a blessing or a curse that he's never had to be an adult by 45yo?
DNZ
Guest
There's plenty of Australian addicted to News Ltd and outrage who have heard stories of someone once smoking a joint and losing the plot and therefore cannot reconcile this issue. I suspect most of them are totally oblivious to the prevalent use of drugs, or are simply massive hypocrites. I don't see us changing any time soon though unfortunately.
Edward Kelly
Roar Guru
Australia as a whole are very confused by recreational drugs and very much into good old denial. Meanwhile many countries are legalizing some recreational drugs, even in the USA you can freely buy marijuana from shops in many states. Australia has its war on drugs, gambling and alcohol make some people lots of money, and kids are strip searched at music festivals. Australia can not even have a reasonable fact based discussion on any policy let alone recreational drugs.
The Barry
Roar Guru
Yeah...Andrew Johns is the same. The post game show on 9 is him cracking “jokes” about partying for days and thinly veiled drug references for an hour.
Superspud
Roar Rookie
I see the hypocrisy in the media on this issue. Paul Kent chortles away as Matt Johns and Brett Finch relate their stories about their off field lifestyle and then call for mad Mondays to be banned. I agree with Barry's comments though it is not the look the game needs.
tauranga boy
Roar Rookie
I agree with you Matt. And every footy game on TV is saturated with clever ads promoting alcohol and gambling!
The Barry
Roar Guru
A lot of this article mirrors my own feelings about drugs but it doesn’t reflect the reality of the situation. Whether we agree with it or not the reality is this sort of stuff attracts negative publicity for the game. Players need to take appropriate action to protect their reputations and the reputation of the game. If nothing else Lane should be suspended for being an absolute 1mbecile. It takes a special kind of stoopid for someone in his position to either take photos of himself or worse let someone else take photos posing with a bag of the devils dandruff. I assume because we’re discussing this, the photo has found its way onto social media. Is there even a scene in Forrest Gump where he has a bag of white powder? It’s certainly not one of the instantly memorable moments of the movie that you’d base a fancy dress costume around. Maybe if Lane put as much effort into his footy as he does his fancy dress he’d be more than a 6’6” powder puff. Looks like Tarzan plays like Lane.
Bill
Guest
Very good read by the way!
Bill
Guest
Theyre everywhere, nearly everyone's doing it and has been doing it - as far as my eyes can see - for the last 20 years that i was old enough to be aware what the stuff was. Every industry, every day of the week.... and thats the problem. Not Shaun Lane or the NRL.