Ah, so you think you know sadness? You think you know misery? You think you know PAIN?
I tell you that, unless you know what it is to have been a Wallabies supporter for the first two decades of the twentieth century, you know NOTHING.
To be a fan of the Wallabies in this era is to know how Prometheus felt, being chained to a rock and having an eagle peck his liver out every day. Except that it’s actually worse, because at least Prometheus didn’t have to deal with new coaches showing up every few days to promise him that under their stewardship his liver would definitely beat the eagle this time.
That’s the thing about supporting the Wallabies: in one way it is the absolute apotheosis of John Cleese’s observation that “I can handle the despair…it’s the hope that kills me”. For truly, hope does arrive on a regular basis for the Australian rugby team.
Hope in the shape of an exciting young player, or a marquee signing from rugby league. Hope in the shape of a new coach with an energetic and inspirational manner.
Hope in the shape of impressive early-season wins – perhaps even a gutsy victory over a touring team after having a player unjustly sent from the field?.
Hope, on some occasions, in the shape of surprising late-season wins: a dead-rubber triumph over the Great Enemy can really get you thinking positively about the future.
And yet no matter what shape hope arrives in, and no matter how positive the Wallaby fan feels because of it, eventually, every year, the All Blacks show up and kick you in the stomach until you cough your hope up, and then they force you to your knees and make you eat your hope, so they can kick you in the stomach until you cough it up again.
(Photo by Getty images)
For the All Blacks are to hope as a furnace is to an ice cube; as a Sherman tank is to a crippled duckling; as a professional NRL team is to the Wests Tigers. They don’t merely extinguish hope: they strangle it, slice it into tiny pieces, set the pieces on fire, throw them on a compost heap and fire the compost heap into the sun.
If we lived in an earlier age we would keep our children well-behaved by telling them that if they mucked up, the All Blacks would come in the middle of the night and play rugby against them.
But the most bizarre thing about the hope that New Zealand destroys year after year is that it exists at all. For while hope springs eternal in the Wallaby fan’s breast, it also somehow exists alongside the certain knowledge that victory is impossible.
How is this so? How can we of this unhappy breed simultaneously know that misery is inevitable while also letting ourselves believe that relief is possible?
Well, that’s why following the Wallabies is so uniquely horrific: we have mastered the art of holding two mutually exclusive beliefs at the same time, both of which make us deeply sad.
Because we know. Of course we know. We know there is no light at the end of this tunnel.
If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result, everyone involved in Australian rugby should’ve been sectioned years ago: in this case, the “different result” being winning the Bledisloe Cup” and the “same thing” being playing rugby union against New Zealand.
At this stage they might as well try something different: the chances of winning the Bledisloe Cup by challenging the All Blacks to a hot-air balloon race around the world can’t be said to be significantly worse than the chances of winning it by playing rugby.
(Photo by Anthony Au-Yeung/Getty Images)
Yet still we watch, and still we follow, and still we – in some pathetic, shrivelled, masochistic corner of our withered souls – believe that better things are possible. No matter how many times we see the Wallaby forwards driven backwards with ease by their brutish black-clad counterparts, we believe.
No matter how many times we switness New Zealanders stroll through gold-jumper defence, brushing off tacklers as an elephant might brush off the full-frontal assault of a mongoose, we believe.
No matter how many Australian lineout throws miss their target, no matter how many passes hit the ground, no matter how many scrums disintegrate, no matter how many times a simple backline move goes horribly wrong resulting in a sweeping All Blacks counterattack that finishes 80 metres away behind the Wallaby posts…we believe.
Because we are Wallaby fans, and as such we are diseased in a very specific and very distressing way.
I chuckle darkly when I think back to the 1990s, when Australia and New Zealand faced each other as equals and quite often the Wallabies emerged victorious.
With the benefit of hindsight I can see that the 1990s was some vengeful god’s way of ensuring his punishment for Australian rugby would be especially painful, by creating the illusion that better things are possible. My memory assures me that once upon a time I was happy: my rational brain tells me not to fall for such tricks.
And the thing is, we can’t even rely on the All Blacks getting bored with the constant victory and letting us win. For New Zealanders, beating Australia is like having sex with Angela Lansbury: you can do it every day till the end of time, but it’ll never ever get boring.
Evidence suggests that as time goes on, in fact, New Zealand just keeps finding their Bledisloe dominance funnier and funnier.
Every now and then, the All Blacks will even play a prank on the Wallabies by playing dead in one game, leading to a rash of articles in the Australian media about how the tide has turned and the era has ended and finally the long national nightmare is over.
And then in the deciding match the All Blacks will play better than ever, smearing the Wallabies across the field like so much weak flavourless mustard, and laugh all through the summer at the funny little Australians who actually thought they’d IMPROVED, bless them.
It’s a lot like a pool-hall hustler, who’ll lose a game against a young rube to make him think he’s got the wood over the other, but after lulling the youngster into a false sense of security, the hustler beats him to death and parades his head around on the end of his cue.
For the lesson of the last twenty years is simple: Australia never improves. Likewise, New Zealand never declines. No coach is capable of putting together a winning Wallaby side. No player is capable of lifting the standard of the team sufficiently to overcome the All Blacks.
No matter who Australia picks, they will drop the ball, fall off tackles, kick the ball aimlessly and by the end of the series suffer an almost total collapse of their basic motor skills. No matter who New Zealand picks, they will trample the Australians in front of them into the ground and barely raise a sweat doing it.
And on the sidelines, we Wallaby fans will keep watching them, every now and then turning to each other to say, “You know, if we can clean up our breakdown work and cut down on the handling errors, we could challenge next year.”
But inside we’ll know it’s not true. Inside we’ll know that there will be no challenge next year, for we are Australian rugby union supporters, who long ago committed some unforgivable sin, and so we are doomed to live in Hell, forever.
sheek
Roar Guru
Ben, For me Australian rugby died around 2007, which is kinda appropriate, since the 3 musketeers Gregan, Larkham & Latham all retired after the world cup. 2008 also saw the first foreign coach of the Wallabies, Robbie Deans, whose appointment I actually supported at the outset. Oz rugby was already on a slow downward spiral which Deans & his successors struggled to turn around, in fact all failing. I've used the picture analogy many times over the past decade - the highs of Oz rugby are like isolated islands dotting the vast Pacific Ocean, few & far between. Our good years & a few great years, which until more recent times, they could be counted in ones & twos, & always with disappointments detracting from the highs. The mostly good to a few great years? 1908/09, 1929/30, 1933/34, 1947-49, 1963, 1978-82, 1986, 1991-93, 1998-2001, 2003. That's about it. I mention 2003 because we made a world cup final no-one really expected us to, & almost won it. You could maybe say the same about 2015, except we never looked like winning that one. And what about 1978-82, which was like one step forward & one step back again? 1978 - beat 5N grand slammers Wales, then narrowly lost in NZ, but won 3rd test 30-16. 1979 - lost to Ireland who everyone thought we would beat, then beat ABs, then split first series with Argentina. Uber frustrating! 1980 - beat ABs with exhilarating rugby. Also beat Fiji. 1981 - beat 5N grand slammers France, but then won only 1/4 on Northern tour when many were predicting the grand slam. Again, uber frustrating! 1982 - split series with Scotland before 10 leading players pulled out of NZ tour. Raw Wallabies played brilliantly, winning one of 3 tests. Over the 25 tests from that period 1978-82, the Wallabies finished just in front 13/12. I was a young bloke back then & I remember it all intimately. Had the Wallabies employed a more 'professional' attitude, they could've & maybe should've won another 5 tests. But historically, that's kinda the record of the Wallabies, world beaters one day, chumps the next. But recently, the chumps have been in the ascendancy too long.
Scolly
Roar Rookie
I tried. I was there from day one until about 4 seasons back. I can't bring myself to watch them any more, they're just too disappointing. At least the Wallabies can beat most of the other tier 1 nations fairly regularly.
Bry
Guest
Ben, you just made my day. I'm actually in tears. But all is not lost. By the time your grand kids are middle-aged touch rugby will be all that's allowed, (providing you don't touch too hard of course) And there won't be scoring by then either, in case a teams feelings are hurt. So the cup will be shared in the name of great sportsmanship. After-match functions will be a joint picnic with herbal teas and organic free range orange juice. Referees won't be required but TMOs will judge the best hat in the audience. The future looks bright.
Jessie
Guest
Try being a Warriors supporter.
Reds Harry
Roar Rookie
Rewriting history here my friend. Before the RWC 2011 semi - Kiwi's had not won a world cup in 24 years, Australia had recorded 2 wins out of 5 Bled games in the previous 2 years. We had Aussie Robbie Deans coaching a pretty good side that had beaten the defending champions the week before . NZ had never beaten Aus at the RWC. For months beforehand, you lot had booed him, called him a cheat and claimed he was breaking the law etc. All very well in retrospect to say Quade was a liability and kiwi's were never worried but that was just not the case. Quade did his knee in the 3rd/4th playoff game against Wales a few days later and was never the same player. But for awhile there was a genuine threat, albeit always with the weaknesses. As to my age, I am old enough to remember my father coming home greatly upset about the Australian ref awarding the kiwi's a controversial penalty try. Fundamentally as I've said plenty of times on this forum, I have been dismayed as Australian rugby has lost its ability to play smart and use scarce resources to the max. We now squander money and talent, and have fallen well behind other countries, particularly NZ, in producing skilled all round players. Should add I don't understand much of modern rugby's finer points and rely on the likes of Nick Bishop in detailing what I can only sense is going wrong and right.
yippityio
Roar Rookie
"For New Zealanders, beating Australia is like having sex with Angela Lansbury: you can do it every day till the end of time, but it’ll never ever get boring." Have you watched Murder She Wrote recently? I can't, not any more.
Gigs20
Guest
I've got a couple of "something's different" that the wallabies might try Start to pick players who showed promise on the field rather than project players who we hope can make the grade If somebody has a bad game, drop them - even if there isn't a clear and ready replacement it'd be better having a team full of players who can fulfil their potential on the field than a team with massive potential that never realise it Stop handing out long term contracts, they only build complacency go to match payments and performance incentives For God's sake stop pumping the tyres up when they lose I sick of hearing well they may have lost by 50 but see in the 37th minute they strung together a string of four passes without dropping the ball. Things are starting to come together - they're not under 6s, they're professional rugby players If you don't demonstrate basic skills you can't be a wallaby (actually we might need to wait a few years before we do this one, we probably need to field a team) PLAY MORE RUGBY play rugby at a high level, play more super rugby, play NRC, play club rugby invent another competition. have an extensive program where our players play so much rugby they don't have time for anything else - they need the practice Stop throwing 12 year Olds into the teeth of the all blacks, consider the difference between a rate McDermott and a Noah lolesio. Tate has had to wait behind a number of quality halfback options and he has some creditable alternatives in Joe Powell and Jake Gordon nipping at his heels (Nick the lip is fighting as an equal not nipping heels) Noah has nobody challenging him until joc is fit and has pretty much strolled in by default because the quality of our 10s is pretty poor. So poor in fact that the force had to buy one from overseas, then raided every prospect the Brumbies had. Apparently there was nobody in club land or a returning Aussie who was worth the coin. If we genuinely have a fight for jerseys well eventually get better Stop letting nzru win the political power games the only thing they're interested in is smoothing the road for all black dominance so they can finalise their private equity deal If these don't work, I guess we'll need to start poisoning the water in New Zealand????
PJ
Guest
That sin was George Gregan rubbing it in saying 4 more years boys, I'm sure they must show that video alot to remind the all blacks of what happens when you slack off against Aussie, so now you all get punished for George Gregan big mouth, and the punishment continues All together now, 1,2,3 Thank George ????????????????????
DG
Guest
https://www.thestatszone.com/archive/super-league-vs-nrl-which-has-more-overseas-players-13784 23% NZ born in 2015
WEST
Roar Guru
Complaining and denigrating Australian players, teams and tactics. You haven’t bothered, because sadly you haven’t needed to, since Quade and RWC 2011“... we didn’t need to when QC played either. Not sure where this Cooper belief comes from? Did anyone actually watch him play against the All Blacks? He losses the plot on the big stage? He actually helped the ABs in the semi final. Watch the game again
WEST
Roar Guru
Interesting.. ok RedsHarry. I’m not sure of your age? But do you remember Rod Macqueen? He coached the wallabies with great success! As a matter of fact he had a winning record of just below 80%. Australian rugby team claimed every major rugby trophy available to it in world rugby, including the ultimate prize the Rugby World Cup. I’m curious, off that kind of success.. How can it go so backwards? NRL and AFL was just as strong then as it was today? Yet they had no issues finding talent then.
Reds Harry
Roar Rookie
All of the 3 in your lst sentence. Whats missing most of all is experience at playing tough, hard, fast rugby against opponents who make very few mistakes and have very few weaknesses. We see it as the start of the EVERY SR competition in the last decade ... the Australian players, who aren't without talent, struggle with the pace of the game and having to do things at a higher level. They get whipped early and hard and struggle to get better through the year. Two things happening will tell me the Wallabies are close to winning the Bledisloe - in the preceding SR season there will be at least 2 really good Aus teams who can match any NZ team in any venue, including at least one finalist. And the second my Kiwi friend is the likes of your good self and other knowledgeable kiwi supporters will start loudly complaining and denigrating Australian players, teams and tactics. You haven't bothered, because sadly you haven't needed to, since Quade and RWC 2011. I noticed a couple of you began this on Aussie's own Taniela Tupou, but no need now Aussie Dave decided to play him off the bench and the rest of the Walls were terrible.
Glenn
Guest
Hi - As a born and bred Kiwi, I can tell you that to be an All Black supporter is embedded into our culture in our everybody living - even if they are not your favourite sport, everyone knows who they are. The success of our team pretty much monopolises the attention and even all other sports are gear around the All Black calendar - many would deny it but it's true. No other sport in NZ can compete. Even more compelling is the Aussie - Kiwi rivalry, but as a rugby fan, the lack of success of the Wallabies is not what we want. Our loss in the 2019 Rugby World Cup was generally received quite graciously and to some Kiwis, a relief. Why? Because we love rugby and want to watch a great game, where both sides, are truly competing. Why did I hate the Wallabies when I was growing up watching the AB's play them? Because they could win, and win well. The consistency and flair they played with was undeniable and every game was a thriller. Even though the All Blacks lose, I have never lost the faith with them.... everyone I know, thinks the same. We want the Wallabies to succeed. Keep everything homegrown, grass roots and at top level, management level, dare I say it - born and bred Aussie represented. No Kiwi can fix you guys - go to the beginning and play your way!
Scott
Guest
It all started to go pear shaped for the Aussies when they started to use the cheque book for end of there career league players -Sailor, Rogers, Folau. Instead the money needed to go to grassroots and take a few years rebuilding. Hind sight is great. I can’t wait for the Aussie team to get back to their best with The new generation of Larkhams, Roffs, Gregans and Horans. Aussie has had great players before and surely they can do it again. But all focus and money needs to be on young talent it needs to be a long term approach. If you do you might win the cup back in 15 years....
jutsie
Roar Rookie
WEST
Roar Guru
Ha ha Go the Wallabies… I agree with you. But, after everything you’ve said. They can still field 15 good players, the head coach has to deal with bad habits from previous coaches. I think that’s where the Wallabies head coach hits a lot of issues. Something goes missing in a lot of Australian rugby players DNA when they reach the Wallabies? Player awareness? Not reading the field correctly.. Rugby streetwise basically?
I remember that Aus school boy shocker when they beat the kiwis! The problem is with no Shute Shield these last 2 years those players are wasted.
mailman
Guest
"...it's actually worse, because at least Prometheus didn't have to deal with new coaches showing up every few days to promise him that under their stewardship his liver would definately defeat the eagle this time." Possibly at once the most unlikely but hilariousy, accurate analogy for what it means to be a Wallaby supporter...I can just see Cheika barking orders at Prometheus to take his "learnings" from his last match against the eagle, be more accurate, harden up and not use his chained limbs as an excuse...
mailman
Guest
Funny as f@#× Mr Pobjie...I think a few people will take it a little too seriously...A very Cathartic read, cheers
Donkeyoti
Guest
look, they're a great bunch of guys and are elite athletes, BUT they don't play like Aussie sportsmen of old. In NZ we always talked about how Aussies know how to play "Finals Footy" be it in any sport. Winning games they shouldn't win. Getting everybody to just do their job. Finding weaknesses and exploiting them. Skilled, smart players (ref Stirling Mortlock) . We don't see that from here now. We don't have any fear any more. Aussie need to find their style of rugby and play it, not try to play like other teams. Plus they need to be able to call on all of the talent they have spread far and wide.