The grand final drinking game is only way to get through Channel Nine's coverage

The NRL grand final presents us all with the challenging scenario of having to view a game of rugby league on Channel 9.

It is not something I enjoy, yet am required to do so four times a season, with the three State of Origin matches also being protected by Australian media’s anti-siphoning laws.

In the past that has meant the rather painful experience of listening to overstated veteran caller Ray Warren, plenty of drivel from Paul Vautin and Andrew Johns and the choreographed arguments between Phil Gould and Warren that resembled two kids fighting in a sand pit at a day-care centre.

Things are a little different now, with Mat Thompson at the microphone on a full-time basis and with a brilliant local derby on the cards between the Panthers and Eels in the 2022 decider. I’ll be one of the millions tuning in to see the action play out.

Not that I actually have any other choice.

Based on past experience, I feel certain that getting through a night of the famously sulky Johns, the rough Johnathan Thurston, the pontificating Gould, roving reporter Brad Fittler and the mysteriously employed Paul Gallen will not be managed without something to dull the pain.

With a few guests planned for the evening and absolutely no intention to encourage irresponsible consumption of alcohol, especially in young people, I’ve drawn up a simple little drinking game that might allow us all to get through the broadcast without the usual feelings of disdain felt towards those on the box.

Each and every time Parramatta’s 35-year premiership drought is mentioned, we will all be taking a swig. That could make for a noisy pre-game, with the host broadcaster certain to focus on the potential redemption story written by the Eels should they manage to win.

Similarly, references to the Panthers’ attempt to win back-to-back premierships will produce the same action, with the rarity of the feat real yet the repetition of the point certain to be a central part of the pre-game narrative.

(Photo by Matt King/Getty Images)

As an addition, a sip will also be required after any use of the phrases ‘Panthers dynasty’, ‘benchmark of the competition’ and ‘centre of excellence’.

If the network does manage to lower the bar and head inside the coaching box during play, its inability to learn from past errors will not only be astonishing but also be cause for another drink.

The actual kick-off time of the grand final is always a talking point, with the slated 7.30pm certain to be well off the mark. A wee dram for every minute of delay beyond the official starting time is on the cards, and based on history, a few of my guests may well be in trouble before a ball has even been kicked.

After forward-pass-gate dominated discussion following the Eels and Cowboys preliminary final last Friday night, it seems only topical to be on the keen lookout for the officials’ continued ability to miss seemingly obvious forward passes while at the same time running the finest toothed comb across other areas of the game.

Sadly, we can all expect the video referee to be doing precisely that on Sunday night.

A beverage for each bunker intervention seems fair, as does a drink for any bizarre conclusion drawn from them. Examples would be players being denied the opportunity to complete a tackle thanks to insignificant interference from block or lead runners and any decision on the grounding of the ball in the process of scoring a try that leaves all and sundry completely mystified.

It is a fairly sure bet that both will occur at some stage and yet another grand final will have the tinge of injustice hanging over it.

Should the Panthers skip away in the opening 40 minutes and gap the Eels in line with their current $1.37 price, the commentary team will desperately sell the comeback narrative during half-time. When that occurs it will be time to raise a cliched glass, as will be the case after any allusions to destiny, fate and/or the rugby league gods.

When the Panthers embrace as a team at the final whistle and the rare repeat is completed, my little gathering should be well lubricated. However, player interviews where the words ‘surreal’, ‘speechless’ or ‘stoked’ are used will require us to remain committed to the task at hand.

It should be a fun night, yet if the unexpected result occurs, Parramatta and its surrounds will come to life in a street party destined to extend well into the early hours of the morning. Hopefully nothing is burned to the ground.

As the overstated and dull post-game coverage begins, we will switch off and defer to the Formula 1 race from Singapore, having hopefully survived Channel 9 for yet another season.