Hey now, New Zealand: Beat Poms and we’ll give back Crowded House, pavlovas, Russell and Phar Lap’s heart

OK, New Zealand, we don’t ask for much. Actually, we take a lot. But right now Australia need a favour which will be mutually beneficial. 

If you could beat England at the Gabba on Tuesday night, that would be mightily neighbourly of you. 

Kane Williamson and his crew would then get to top their group in the T20 World Cup and Australia will have the chance to finish runner-up in the Super 12 stage. 

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We’ll each get a spot in the semis. We may even meet again in the final. You shouldn’t mind that either. You gave the Aussies a flogging at the SCG last week and you can make amends for last year’s final. 

Chris Woakes consoles the vanquished Kiwis after their World Cup thriller. (Michael Steele/Getty Images)

But there’s a deeper pain that still burns from a “loss” in a final – that farce three years ago at Lord’s in the ODI World Cup when England didn’t beat your total or score more runs than the mighty Black Caps but somehow received the trophy because they’d hit a few more boundaries. 

Not to mention they had more than their fair share of luck when Ben Stokes gained an extra boundary when he middled an outfield return to the rope as he dived to make his ground. Suddenly the equation of nine runs from three balls became three off two. You know the rest, despite trying to repress all memories of that frenetic finish. 

Now if this is not motivation enough for you to show some Anzac spirit, we can offer more to clinch the deal. 

First of all, pavlova is all yours. No one knows for sure if it originated in Australia or New Zealand but if it means that much to you, we will officially concede it’s a Kiwi delicacy. 

(Photo by Kai Schwoerer/Getty Images)

More sweeteners needed? Lamingtons and Anzac biscuits, there’s a bit of drama about who came up with the idea for them as well. We will hand them over to the other side of the ditch as well. 

We will surrender our half share in Phar Lap. All yours. He was born in NZ and even though his many successes all came after he was brought across the Tasman to an Australian trainer, you can reclaim him. It’s odd that his skeleton and hide were put on display in a Wellington museum while his heart has been housed in Melbourne. 

Russell Crowe, Rebecca Gibney, Sam Neill, Jane Campion, Keith Urban. Take your pick, take the lot as long as you take down the Poms. 

We’ll even stop mentioning the fact that Joh Bjielke-Petersen was born in the Land of the Long White Cloud whenever any cringeworthy reference to his reign as Sunshine State premier rears its ugly head. Don’t you worry about that. 

The next young rugby star who has dual eligibility is all yours. Your whole country went bananas at Quade Cooper back when he was starting out and decided to wear Wallaby gold rather than the all black jersey of your mob. Whichever next big thing comes onto the scene we promise you get first dibs. 

And if that’s still not enough, here’s the big one – we will renounce all rights to Crowded House. 

(Photo by Bob King/Redferns)

We all know deep down it was Neil Finn’s band and even when he was outnumbered by his antipodean brethren in the varying versions of the line-up, it was something of a stretch to claim the group as Oz rock legends. 

Don’t dream. It’s over. As long as you eliminate the English. 

Hey now, hey now. Don’t let them win.

It’s your choice, bros. Win, lose or draw (in a super over), we will never stop with the accent jokes. 

And of course, as older siblings tend to do, all bets are off if you don’t uphold your end of the bargain and send England packing. In that case we will go back to taking ownership of your favourite toys when your back is turned.