Three irrational fears for Richmond's 2023 season

I’m writing this in early February, aka panic time.

The excitement of getting Tim Taranto and Jacob Hopper has worn off but the season is still a month and a half away. I’m no longer cockily writing down Richmond’s absurd midfield depth (Taranto, Hopper, Dion Prestia, Shai Bolton, Jayden Short, Dustin Martin, Trent Cotchin etc) and thinking that it’s premiership or bust.

Instead, I’m just getting irrational with my fears. These three fears are not necessarily real fears that I harbour, but I also don’t not harbour them.

Anyway, let’s get into them.

Has Noah Balta gone to the Henry Cavill School of Just Being Handsome?

It’s well known that hot people fail upwards – Gal Gadot, Kliff Kingsbury, and the king of failing upwards Henry Cavill – what if that is what happened to Balta?

At the start of last season Richmond tried Balta as a forward, to extremely limited success. Realistically, with the gravitational pull of Tom Lynch and Jack Riewoldt, it should have been extremely easy for Balta to excel but after a hot start, kicking 8 goals in the first three games of the year, he finished with 13 on the year.

It was a bit like Henry Cavill in Mission: Impossible Fallout. You don’t exactly need to be Daniel Day-Lewis to hold up for the five minutes of acting between stunts in the Mission: Impossible movies, and yet Henry Cavill was actively bad every single time he was talking on screen.

He was somehow less expressive than Nicole Kidman in The Undoing, and her forehead hasn’t moved since 1994.

Yes, Balta did move back to defence toward the end of the season and was far better as a defender. Balta is obviously a defender. I hope that this is the year Richmond plays him just as a defender. He’s an absurd athlete who moves extraordinarily well for a man of his size. I don’t really think he’s just handsome and has failed upwards because of it, but what if?

Noah Balta marks the ball. (Photo by Darrian Traynor/Getty Images)

Is whatever voodoo Richmond have done to keep Dylan Grimes’ hamstring in tact for the last few years finally starting to wear off?

Richmond is stacked everywhere but defence. It’s a fact. The forward line is going to go close to being the best in footy and so is the midfield.

The defence…is not. Therefore, Richmond’s most important player this year is Grimes. Losing Grimes this year would be like taking Stephen Graham out of Snatch. He’s not the biggest ticket item, he’s not going to get a great many of the headlines, but the whole thing doesn’t go without him.

Grimes is the definition of the old adage “he’s not the best player but he is the most important”.

This is troubling because, as far as I can tell, Richmond commissioned some sort of witch doctor/voodoo magic specialist in 2017 to fix Grimes’ pesky hamstrings and the magic might be starting to wear off. Before 2017, Grimes had never played more than 19 games.

Since 2017, he’s never played fewer than 20. Then 2022 happened and he went back to his old ways, playing only 15 games.

The St Kilda game where he first got injured was an insight into his value. He limped off the field in the third quarter, which ended with the Tigers ahead by 4 points. The Saints slammed on 7.1 in the final term to Richmond’s measly one goal with Max King standing up and dominating virtually the instant Grimes went off the field.

Maybe call that voodoo hamstring doctor again, Dimma. We’re going to need it to win the flag.

Is Shai Bolton pre-1991 Michael Jordan (in a bad way)?

This is not a perfect comparison for a million reasons. For one, Shai has already won premierships and was drafted into an absolutely stacked team. Second, Shai is a marginally better athlete with more leaping ability.

I also just want to preface this by saying that I love Bolton. He is a rare player who blends athleticism with preternatural footy smarts. But, like everyone, he is not perfect.

Both he and a young Michael Jordan share a fiery disdain for either passing the ball. Pre 1991 (and beyond but it became less of an issue) the book on Jordan was that he did not want to pass the ball ever, especially in a big spot. He wanted to take the shot because he was an ultra-confident alpha dog who was built for the moment.

Bolton is a bit the same. Last season he regularly chose to try and slither out of 100 tackles instead of just moving the ball on and living to fight another day.

Occasionally it worked, occasionally it didn’t. Based on the body language of his teammates and the tepid language in post-game press conferences by the coach, it wasn’t just me who got frustrated.

I think what we need is a remake of one of my favourite Michael Jordan anecdotes ever. In game 5 of the 1991 NBA finals against Magic Johnson’s Lakers, Phil Jackson is getting fed up with MJ’s lack of desire to pass the ball. In a timeout toward the end of the game, Phil asks MJ “who’s open?” MJ replies instantly “Paxson”.

Phil fires back, “Okay. Get him the ball”. Paxson finished with 10 points in the last 4 minutes and the Bulls raise their first of 6 NBA titles.

This could happen for Richmond with Bolton as the centrepiece of a second dynastic run, if Bolton can learn that Rioli is open.