Face the music: How NRL clubs should wage sonic warfare to get an edge on rivals

A long, long time ago, I can still remember… As a lad I watched a Bledisloe Cup game. It was in New Zealand, though I can’t say exactly when. At a guess, I’d say it was at Eden Park. As per usual, the whole country was united behind the might of the All Blacks.

This game sticks out because, prior to the match, the whole city had a voluntary “black out”. Like, no lights on anywhere near the stadium. When the lights came up, I remember the National Anthem. It was belted out by some large, incredible opera singer.

The stadium went berserk, and from across the ditch, I could almost feel the deflation of the Wallabies.

It was proper intimidating, and I loved it.

It’s a topic that my friends and I often discuss while bending the elbow. And spurned on by a recent comment by The Roar’s own Red Rob, I now commit to writing.

Psychological warfare is all part of competition (as the Australian cricket team will tell you). It’s all well and good to be mates after the game, but before and during, you should be taking whatever advantage you can.

And I often think about what the ground announcers could be doing to give the home team a leg up.

And why not music?

Jerome Kaino of the All Blacks  (Photo by Phil Walter/Getty Images)

If given the chance, I would love to get control of the sound system, and unleash musical mind bombs. Remind the opposition, subliminally almost, that it isn’t going their way. Get the song in their head. Let them know they’ve stuffed up.

Imagine if you’re on the visitor’s side, and every time you made a mistake, every time something went wrong, every try the bunker torpedoed, you heard a few bars of a terrible song that was played just to mock you. It would hurt.

What follows is a list of candidates that may be effective.

I’ve tried to follow these criteria –

1. The song has to be catchy

2. It has to be contextually funny

3. It’s objectively incapable of inspiration

Some of these selections I’m proud of; some can definitely be improved. I look forward to y’all’s contributions.

1. Broncos – The Kevin Walters Song

Honestly, not the inspirational tool that it was meant to be, and given the season that followed its release… Can’t imagine the boys would want to be reminded

2. Cowboys – Whip it good – Devo

Imagine the first thing you hear after every mistake – whip it good. I think Rhinestone Cowboy could also be a laugh.

3. Dolphins – Homeless – Paul Simon

This was a hard one, because who doesn’t love the Dolphins at the moment. Best I could do.

4. Gold Coast – Kokomo – Beach Boys

Had to be a Coasty-theme, so Beach Boys was an obvious call. The first few bars would be devastating if deployed correctly.

5. Newcastle – Ecstasy – ATB

Cheap shot, I know.

6. Manly – Lonely – Justin Beiber

Picking up on the ‘Guess what, Manly hates you too theme’. Justin Bieber’s awful lament about how lonely his privileged life is seemed to fit the bill.

George Michael’s ‘Faith’ would also be hilarious. Maybe a spot too controversial…

7. Roosters – FUR – Where did all the people go?

Reminding the Roosters that they are probably playing in front of no fans…

8. Souths – Money, Money, Money – Abba

Though I originally had this penciled in for the Roosters, clearly the Sombrero has moved to Redfern. If that’s a bit too mean you could play just about anything from Rusty’s TOFOG back catalogue, and that would just hurt…

9. Bulldogs – Puppy Love – Donny Osmond

Predictable, but it would be hilarious

10. St George – You Know I’m No Good – Amy Winehouse

I mean, it speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Kick ‘em when they’re down, I say.

11. Cronulla – Baby Shark – Pinkfong

I know, another cheap one, but seriously, if everytime you dropped the ball, you heard “do do do do do”, you’d go mad, wouldn’t you? Just the “do do do do do”’s, nothing else.

12. Wests – One is the loneliest number – John Farnham

Subtle, but brutal

13. Panthers- It’s hard to be humble – Mac Davis

‘Nuff said

14. Eels – Yellow – Coldplay

Chris Martin’s whiney voice to a sad, minor chord background, particularly after a bombed try. You’d cry one way or the other.

15. Canberra – Hey Ricky you’re so fine – Weird Al

Yes, Ricky, not Mickey. Weird Al’s version would be gold. Knowing that everytime the Raiders make a mistake, the camera zooms in on Ricky doing something violent, this is the perfect musical accompaniment.

16. Storm – The Cheater – Bob Kuhn and the In-Men

Footy fans can have long memories. Especially so if you can remember this song…

17. Warriors – How Bizarre – OMC

This one isn’t so much mean, but it would be hilarious. Fumbled play-the-ball? How Bizarre. Offside by a blade of grass? How Bizarre. Having every decision somehow go against you? How Bizarre, how bizarre, how bizarre.

And special mention to the Bunker. Surely, whilst reviewing a decision, any song by Stevie Wonder would get the message across. I would recommend ‘Superstition’.

I think that’s a solid start, but there’s serious improvement to be had.

Over to you, friends.