The Liebke Fifth Ashes Test report card: 'This series will be remembered as the 2-0 GOATwash'

For the fifth and final Test of the Ashes series, Australia made just the one change to their team, with Todd Murphy replacing Cameron Green.

A good change, not only because it added an actual spinner to the attack, but also because Green could just theoretically spend the entire time on the ground fielding at gully anyway, as whichever bowler had most recently finished their spell took a short break in the dressing room. Sound tactics.

The other change to the team? Pat Cummins’ call of ‘tails’ finally proving successful, as Ben Stokes lost his first toss for the entire series. Although, of course, England claimed that it felt like he won it.

Here’s the report card for the fifth Ashes Test.

Dropped catches

Grade: C-

Cummins asked England to bat first, and after an unconvincing new ball foray from Mitchell Starc and Josh Hazlewood, the captain came on to bowl a magnificent spell that threatened with every single delivery, yet somehow resulted in only the one wicket, that of Zak Crawley.

In yet another sign of how mad this series has become, the dismissal was rightfully described in commentary as ‘The big wicket of Zak Crawley’.

One of the reasons that Cummins took only the one wicket was that Australia’s cordon decided that, since England’s batters only got one hit in the previous Test, they’d give them each a couple of goes this innings. Lovely bunch of lads, the Australian fielders.

When it comes to matches, you’re not going to believe what, according to conventional cricket wisdom, catches do to them.

And yet, despite dropping five and missing a run out, Australia still knocked England over for a seemingly subpar 283. Bu a 283 scored fast! Always important to note that, apparently.

Turgid batting

Grade: C

In reply, the Australian batters were determined to stubbornly score at half England’s rate. Just for the hell of it, seemingly.

But when Alex Carey fell slapping a delivery from Joe Root straight to Stokes, their slowness meant they only had 170 on the board, still more than a hundred behind England’s total. Starc was out shortly after, on 7/185, and Cummins joined Steve Smith at the crease, the prospect of winning the series (rather than merely drawing it and retaining the Ashes) in grave peril.

So, of course, Smith almost immediately ran himself out, charging through for a second run on the arm of a mystery substitute fielder.

Despite looking for all the world as if he was gone, the third umpire assessed the situation, spotted that Jonny Bairstow had dislodged (maybe?) a bail before gathering the ball, and ruled that, since it was so funny for Bairstow to once again muck up a wicket-taking opportunity, Smith was not out.

Australia scrambled their way to a 12-run lead thanks to Murphy going full Mark Wood with the bat on Wood with the ball.

Good umpiring to not just take the laws of the game into consideration, but also the comedy of the moment. 

Three questions

Grade: B

England began the third day with a looming number three problem, with Moeen Ali unable to bat in the position due to his time off the field with a groin injury.

Who would fulfil the role instead? It was the greatest three question since Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Various players were spotted with pads on, raising the prospect that perhaps when the first wicket fell, it would simply be a foot race to the middle to decide who batted there.

It turned out Stokes won the foot race in the end. Surprising.

Not that it mattered; England were in full Bazball mode, erasing the deficit in the first over and barely slowing up from there, motoring along at around five runs an over for most of the innings as they looked to set a big run chase for the Australians.

Sure, the odd wicket fell, but the runs continued. As England rollicked their way to 9/389 at stumps, the cameras cut to Crawley on the balcony, doing a crossword but also looking up the answers to the crossword as he did so.

A very Bazball approach to the classic word puzzle. Changing the way crosswords are solved.

“We’re fostering a dressing room environment where no crossword question is ‘too hard’,” Crawley later explained. “We’re challenging the orthodoxy of solving the clues yourself. When Baz first came in, he said to us ‘the answers are right there, in the back’ and we checked and they were. Such a great feeling to know that. Just takes the pressure off.”

Speaking of crosswords, you don’t want to hear what I muttered when I woke up the next morning to the news that one of the comedy cricket greats, Stuart Broad, had retired. Crosser words have never been spoken.

He still had so much more to offer. He’d only just madly invented swapping bails to take wickets.

I’d go so far as to say Broad’s retirement has ruined this entire Ashes series. You might even say the glorious genius has rendered it void.

What a bloody hero. 

Stuart Broad celebrates. (Photo by Gareth Copley/Getty Images)

Rewriting narratives

Grade: C

After a guard of honour for the retiring Broad, a six from the final delivery he faced in Test cricket (a bouncer, obviously) and the wicket of James Anderson, Australia needed 384 runs to win.

Impossible, obviously. And yet a few hours later as the rain came tumbling down, with David Warner and Usman Khawaja both having reached half-centuries and Australia 0/135, the feeling was that England were the team happier to get off the ground, with the most likely way of removing a batter being a beamer from Anderson – officially the most prolific 41-year-old bowler of beamers I’ve ever seen (overall tally: 1).

It left Australia needing just 249 further runs for a stunning narrative-rewriting victory on the final day. Which, y’know, was still rather a lot, really.

Changing things

Grade: A

And so it proved on a mad final day, that began with Australian fans and commentators complaining furiously about the replacement ball the umpires had chosen for England.

Unlike the previous ball, this one swung more and saw the rapid demise of not just Khawaja and Warner but also Marnus Labuschagne.

It wasn’t the only thing that changed. The tired and clueless England attack from the fourth day was replaced with a threatening and focused set of bowlers.

Stokes replaced a catch at leg slip off Smith with a ghastly, Herschellian thing (which he then inexplicably reviewed). Then, in the cruellest twist of all, England changed the non-rain weather for weather that was obviously far rainier, washing out the middle session and trying to send us all to bed. Pretty shameful stuff.

But also effective, as a blitz from Chris Woakes and Ali in the extended final session, also changed from an initial 52 overs to one of only 47, saw England change from likely losers of this Test to eventual winners, bowling out Australia for 334 and levelling the series 2-2. A fine effort.

Still, looking back on it, I think we can all agree that this Ashes series will primarily be remembered as the 2-0 GOATwash. Certainly, that’s how I’m choosing to remember it.