You cannot be serious: Exiting the finals in straight sets

It’s week two of the finals, meaning for the losers there’s no more tomorrow, no more second prizes and no more adages – just time to clock off and slack on.

It’s also at this point of the playoffs where we are usually afforded the opportunity to point and laugh at some unlucky club that has stuffed up their second bite of the cherry.

That’s right, I’m talking about those that have busted a pooper valve over twenty-six weeks to earn a double chance, only to hastily bomb out in two.

MORE NRL Finals:
» FULL NRL FINALS DRAW
» 2014 NRL Finals: Full guide to week 2
» Tim Gore’s stat attack: Roosters vs Cowboys is too close to call
» Tim Gore’s stat attack: Manly vs Bulldogs
» Roosters stars will chase the Cowboys out of town
» Full match information, team lists

This smear is popularly known as going out in straight sets, or if you don’t like tennis and you prefer your terminology lewd, exiting through the old back door.

It’s a fairly basic concept; just be awesome at footy, set expectations high and then race to an 0-2 record in the second phase of the competition. Boom! You’re the year’s market-leader in achievement who’s now as popular and relevant as the mixed doubles.

This year, the chance to be 2014’s most successful losers falls to the Roosters and the Sea Eagles. After dominant seasons, they’ve tripped up at the worst time, and now – as Glenn Frey so amazingly crooned all those years ago – the heat is on. It’s on the streets, inside your head and if Trent Robinson and Geoff Toovey are reading this, it’s on you.

Oddly, when it comes to Aussie rugby league at this time of year, it’s more often than not that a premature ejection is forced upon some unsuspecting top team like an unsolicited U2 album that’s shoved up your Soundcloud. In fact, if you don’t see at least one of the favourites spectacularly suck per year, you should ask David Smith for a refund before telling him to cop these damning numbers.

Since the NRL era commenced in 1998, there has been 16 finals series where 15 teams have been eliminated on the back of two consecutive losses, with 12 of these teams finishing the regular season in the top four.

That’s a lot of stunning failure, and for those teams scraping in to the semis and the fans who shun the mundane, it’s encouraging eats.

In comparison to the observed class system of the AFL, where the bottom feeders truly know their place, our code is an authentically loco state of affairs.

Our richer southern cousins introduced their current top-eight system in 2000, and since then only four teams have bounced out in straight sets across 14 finals series, and two of them occurred last weekend when Geelong and Fremantle were sent for an earlier-than-anticipated steam. So to any fairytale enthusiasts out there looking for a new interest in the flying game, just keep walking.

When it comes to making a fool of regular season bullies nothing beats rugby league finals, except maybe a salary cap audit. The game is like a cramping marathon runner with its proclivity for turning itself on its head when the finish line is in sight, and hasn’t there been some comical memories from regular season royalty over the years?

Symbolically, the chaos started with those lovable North Sydney Bears way back in 1998.

After finishing fifth in a zany ten-team finals series, the kings of the early knock-off double-faulted to Parramatta and then the ninth-placed and eventual grand finalists Canterbury. With this, the writing was on the wall.

Then there was the bizarre occurrences of 2004 and 2005 when playoff powerhouses Brisbane were embarrassingly turfed over four lost finals in consecutive years, and the mania of 2009, when both the first-placed Dragons and third-placed Titans were shunted before firing a shot.

We could go on forever. The ambitious 2010 Penrith side. Freddy Fittler’s Roosters of 2008. Newcastle defending their title in 2002. And to ratchet-up the discomfort for our friends in the capital, there was Canberra in 2003 – Jason ‘ButterFingers’ Bulgarelli, anyone?

While many will point out the evenness of quality and the Russian roulette of refereeing as being blameworthy for this unpredictability, surely the old chocolate wheel of the McIntyre system has a lot to answer for. This travesty used to facilitate madness with its Mensa-grade algorithms for who can stay and who can go – thankfully we got rid of it.

Despite affairs settling with its demise – in the first year of change in 2012 there were no casualties at the top – normal transmission did resume in last year’s finals when the third-placed Melbourne were discarded after two weeks. Will it continue this weekend?

Manly are plastered-up and ripe for the taking. The Roosters are under pressure and staring down the barrel of being only the second minor premier after the 2009 Dragons to see their chance go down the gurgler. And history is giving them the scorpion eye.

This is epically unfair on the high achievers, so maybe it’s worth tanking in the season for a lower position? Nah, you cannot be serious!