Is there anything sexier in rugby league than a fat bloke putting it up the jumper and skittling the world on his way to a bellicose four-pointer?
No doubt about it, the rush generated when witnessing an overfed giant make a beeline for the try-line is unrivalled for thrills.
That’s right, nothing beats it. And that’s saying something, as the game has been party to a good number of Andrew Ettingshausen calendars over the years.
Seeing such carnage is why I put my life on hold for eight games a week – for tryscorers that rissole all-comers at 34/1 and anytime for $6, hopefully with a hint of muffin-top showing. It is why I haven’t learned to love another human, unless they exist in the middle third and work in 20-minute stints.
Unfortunately, the modern wank of footwork at the line has put paid to regular sightings of belligerent touchdowns powered by the Maori sidestep, and I for one decry this gradual disintegration of the scintillating manifestation of a prop’s anger issues.
Going through and not around is base-level rugby league. It’s the way the game should be played – without much thinking.
Seeing an opposition’s defensive prowess candidly examined not with detailed passing plays and wingers, but by using a dump truck with its brakes cut, brings a tear to the eye of traditionalists and monster truck enthusiasts alike.
This is why we all lost it on Saturday night when Jared Waerea-Hargreaves produced some x-rated prop erotica that had the masses reaching for a post-tingles cigarette.
With his side trailing, the debut dad sent a serious message to all future potential suitors of his newborn daughter with a frightening display of crude horsepower, barging over a number of Parramatta defenders for arguably the try of the century.
It was Beast Mode of the highest order, and unlike a front-rower, it got me thinking.
What have been some of league’s most memorable barnstorming meat pies of recent memory?
Those up-front may not split the atom anytime soon, but that doesn’t mean they don’t possess a great sense of occasion. This is why many of these mad memories have occurred on the biggest stage, just like Steve Jackson’s effort from the 1989 grand final.
Who could forget this oft-replayed beauty? If you have, just ask the Tigers fan in the straight jacket.
In the tension of extra time, it was classic forwards logic that won the day. After finding himself lost inside the Tigers’ 20 metre zone, Jackson suddenly remembered his role in the second half; run south until something stops you.
And what about Carl Webb’s try for Queensland on debut?
Pre-hair, post-boxing and relatively unknown at the time, the Mt Isa product ran wide towards the delicacies of the outside backs and treated them like possums on the motorway. From here, a mythical pugilistic ball-carrying creature was born, and a fist was never to be cocked in his direction on a footy field until the end of time.
Then there was George Burgess in the 2014 grand final.
Fed up with living in the shadow of his brother and his own anatomy, Bro Burge decided to don a pair of pants, aim up at a tiring Bulldogs defence and proceed to bulldoze.
And it wouldn’t be a piece about pilons playing direct if it didn’t include some Fui Fui Moi Moi.
In the 2009 grand final, he fanned the flames of an ultimately unfulfilled Eels comeback with a belligerent carry that came to a stop in the unfamiliar surrounds of the in-goal area on the wing, a trail of twice-paid defenders left in his wake.
What do you think Roarers?
Quite frankly, this distinct lack of lateral side-stepping and dummies is getting me a little steamy, so I’m going to douse myself with an ice bucket via an instructional video on how to play on the wing.
Wayne Lovell
Roar Guru
Dane, this article is phonetical sorcery. This is the second time I have felt humbled by your word craft. You have created a fan in me.
Onballer
Guest
All a joke now that the NRL has gone insane. The tacklers aren't allowed to be anything except witches hats. Next year they penalise JWH for that run and the way he bumped off tacklers.
Jamieson Murphy
Roar Guru
JWH's try has got to be the best forward's try of the year.
Epiquin
Roar Guru
Remember that Mark O'Meley try from Origin? Who knew The Ogre had a side step?!?! The bloke made history recently when he and his son both played in the Wyong Roos NSW Cup team together.
Renegade
Roar Guru
Yep haha, that's the one i'm talking about in my comment above as well.
Squidward
Roar Rookie
Was that the one with the lawn mower dance at the end?
Jimbo Jones
Guest
"Hitting the line at speed", surely you jest? :) Another one similar to this would be Mark O'Meley vs Robbie O'Davis in an apostrophe fuelled duel
Con Scortis
Roar Guru
Great article but it should have come with a PG rating!
Bonza
Guest
Guru Grothe trampling over about 6 Bulldogs in 83 semi final was highly arousing
Patrick
Guest
Andrew Fifita's 55m metre runaway try against the Tigers in 2013. Crazy stuff from a front rower.
Edgar Slosh
Roar Guru
Great article, loved it
Renegade
Roar Guru
Sam Burgess scored a brilliant try for England against Australia in a four nations final.... I think it was 2009. It was from about 40 out and he didn't necesssarily run over anyone but it was a special try against a very good Kangaroos side. Andrew Fifita produced a special from halfway on a Friday night against the tigers in 2013 - very similar to the Burgess one I've mentioned above.
Squidward
Roar Rookie
Good try. Better recount of it. Laughed
Squidward
Roar Rookie
I think Danny Wicks had a ripper pre jail for Newcastle vs chooks at gosford. Out ran Amos Roberts to score a 50+m try on a sunny Sunday
Epiquin
Roar Guru
George Rose scored a beauty against the Bulldogs when he was playing for Manly. I think it was 2011, but may have been 2012. Hitting the line at speed with a trail of defenders in his wake, only Ben Barba (when Ben Barba was at his peak) stood in his way. Georgeous George than issued one of the all time greatest "don't argues" and sent Barba flying like something out of Dragon Ball Z. You could just see it in Rose's eyes. Once he had that tryline in sight, his face lit up like someone just served up a fresh pizza and he was getting himself a slice. Nobody was stopping him.
Samtwocan
Guest
I may be biased but JWH's effort on the weekend was probably the best in recent time but its hard to go past Steve Jackson's try in one of the biggest upsets in grand final history..
Hardwick
Guest
I remember Haumono scored a beauty many years ago. Beat defender after defender. Possibly against the Sharks in about 98 or 99. He was a 2nd rower though, so not sure if it counts...
nerval
Guest
"Fed up with living in the shadow of his brother and his own anatomy..." about George Burgess did it for me! I reckon Dane would corner the niche market in stand-up comedy specialising in rugby league.
Paul D
Roar Guru
Great article Dane. Funny - when I started reading, my mind started thinking of the tries of that ilk I could recall - Steve Jackson and Carl Webb's efforts were both top of my mental list. And there they were.
The Barry
Roar Guru
"...a trail of twice paid defenders left in his wake..." Just literally laughed out loud on the train...great line.