I’m sorry, but when it comes to attaining a satisfactory level of Trans-Tasman tension, we’re going to need more than the lame brouhaha of Mitch Marsh’s drop-punt dismissal if we’re to generate requisite friskiness.
Let’s get real, guys! This is Australia and New Zealand clinking sabers in cricket, not backgammon or a Bledisloe Cup! It’s the most agitative brotherhood known to the game, and the standards are heady.
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Unless some fruity palooka lawn-bowls a six-stitcher or attempts to headbutt Scott Styris while he’s wearing a helmet, it’s either a lousy fake or Australia’s selected their first 11 strictly from the Bondi precinct.
That’s why despite Hamilton turning warp-sour and the furore that’s followed, I want to make a contribution to ensuring no peace breaks out at the Basin Reserve, and I want to do it the Aussie way – by aiming slightly south of the hips and doing so with horrendous timing.
Now, can someone please hold my beer while I recline on my inflatable couch and proceed to question one of New Zealand’s globally adored ornaments as he faces his cricketing mortality?
Brendon McCullum – New Zealand captain, batting Berocca and iconic diplomat – is a man who’s imparted the kind of distinguished class on the arena that could be bottled into a men’s cologne.
One geeze at the Kiwi skipper’s record and you’ll see it’s one for ages – New Zealand’s highest Test score, 100 consecutive Tests, a clean home series record under his hard-boiled leadership, and the most rope cleared in the game thanks to treating international-standard bowlers like village junk.
He is two weeks away from bringing down the curtain on his tenure as the godfather of New Zealand’s revolution, a stint of statesmanship that some are rating as two world titles and a John Key bromance short of being cricket’s Richie McCaw.
However, despite all of his wonderful achievements and earth-wide approval ratings, McCullum has still managed to disappoint me. Tsk, tsk.
No, it’s not because he’s a Kiwi, and it’s not because of all that hoopla about him critiquing Steve Smith’s table manners despite running out Murali on a handshake and forgetting to call Crimestoppers on Chris Cairns.
It’s because that despite McCullum’s sparkling profile, game-breaking repute and piles of megawatt performances in short-form tournaments, I feel he hasn’t produced his best work enough when playing in the big ones against Australia.
There, I said it. I’ve practically puked on a patron saint, and now I’m going to hell. I’m also going to need a shower.
I guess what I’m trying to say, is that from an awkwardly weird, whole-of-game, non-patriotic point of view, I wished McCullum had flexed his muscles on the grand stages and torn Australia apart more often. The dynamo deserves a big gong against the old enemy.
Does anyone else have his reckless swooshing in last year’s World Cup final on repeat in their brains as a moment we were denied something special? Could he have dug in and really hurt Australia and cemented his legacy instead of trying to land one in Ballarat after only two samples?
Does anyone feel underwhelmed by his Test average of 26.16 against Australia? And does it feel odd that he only has a solitary century in this format against big brother, that being a gutsy 104 in a futile rearguard when his team was lapped by 10 wickets?
Sure, this could be considered blinkered – last I checked, there’s been other countries that he’s thrashed. Plus it doesn’t help that Australia and New Zealand meet with the regularity of Haley’s Comet. But what can I say?
I’m as selfish as Steve Waugh and I just want more for the game’s champions.
You can’t deny it. McCullum’s resume deserves at least one notable scalp against Australia. Something without a sponsor’s logo that will be forgotten by the next ad break. Something significant.
Perhaps he is he saving his best Trans-Tasman masterpiece for last?
jacko
Guest
Yes a very average player who averages 38 in test cricket with 11 centries 30 half centries 202 catches/stumpings. A top score of 302 in tests 166 in Odi 123 in T20 inc 116 not out against aus in T20 5 Odi centries 2 T20 centries. 1 test century v aus. And of course the only person EVER to play 100 tests without missing one. Isnt it sooo average. Its a pity that some people dont like looking at the facts when crapping on about someone they just want to run down because he plays for a country other than the writers own.
mattyb
Guest
Unfortunately I think your right fp. In a few years time when people look back at history rather than the now,McCullums hypocrisy will probably be what he is remembered for most.
colvin
Guest
Dingo, Brendon was a Keeper who could bat. As a Keeper he was up with the best in the world. When his back went on him he was good enough to earn a place in the team (all three formats) as a batter. And he was an excellent skipper. So Brendon was a great. There's no doubt about it.
swamprat
Roar Pro
A bit strong calling Mcullum a hypocrite. Lords seems to find him non character flawed enough to have him Invited to address their yearly jolly. Goodness gracious.
fp11
Guest
This tells you everything about Mccullum's hypocrisy: "about him critiquing Steve Smith’s table manners despite running out Murali on a handshake and forgetting to call Crimestoppers on Chris Cairns." I'm glad you put that sentence in. The man has some serious character flaws.
fp11
Guest
I agree with you re:Finch. Finch invented batting for Brendon.
fp11
Guest
I will always remember Mccullum for this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKVMN13rsMc That shot epitomises his whole career.
Bobbo7
Guest
This article is fair. Rather than the usual pointless and largely unwarranted attacks on his character, you correctly point out that McCullum's record as a player is below par for his ability. By his own addmission he won't go down as a great of the game. I love watching him bat but is sure is frustrating at times. An average of 30 odd for a guy with his eye is simply below par. But as noted, he has proven to be a good leader so lets just hope NZ continue to do well when he retires.
Annoyedofit
Guest
WRONG! He did get a bat and Marsh knocked him for 27
Likkewaan
Roar Rookie
Baz will go down as a legend in New Zealand Cricket history terms for what he has achieved in the game for New Zealand, but lets be fair he will no go down as a legend or a great in the global game and he's averages speaks for that. When he got going in the shorter formats of the game he was entertaining to watch and played some brilliant innings. I think he will be more remembered for the legend he could have been in a global sense. Good cricketer none the less.
Brendon the 1st
Guest
An ave of 30 in one dayers and mid 30's in tests, ahh yeah, mediocre at best.
The Bush
Roar Guru
Bmac gets his series off to a poor start...
DingoGray
Roar Guru
There's nothing wrong with tag of Mediocre. You know the meaning is of average quality? Again McCullum record is nothing more than average. There is plenty of others who have far and away better records. The way people talk about him you would think he was Sobers!
nick
Guest
So? Australia can only have 12 guys at a time in their test side, no one else should bother? You said mediocre, thats ludicrous and I pointed that out. You tried to label him as a player with an "over inflated reputation", that was also ludicrous and I pointed that out. I never said he was Gary Sobers but theres a huge gap between mediocre and once of the greats
Mike Dugg
Roar Rookie
A great leader amd mediocre batsman. Kind of like a b grade Tubby Taylor in a way
DingoGray
Roar Guru
That depends on which Test Playing Nation you play your 100 Tests for. You could make a fair argument that McCullum wouldn't of played a single Test for Australia.
nick
Guest
poor trolling you were going well until you started
nick
Guest
ahhhh a couple of 200's and a 300 aint mediocre. His average is lower due to his years of being a keeper/batsman and developing into a batsman first late on. He's an exceptional test leader and fine fielder. Mediocre isnt someone who plays 100 tests in a row.
Keagan Ryan
Roar Guru
You touched on it but in McCullum's defence, Australia and New Zealand haven't faced off in Tests while McCullum has been in his batting prime. Since becoming captain and shelving the gloves his record has improved considerably.
DingoGray
Roar Guru
I actually fear what's going to happen to New Zealand now that McCullum is retiring..... I'd really hate to see them sitting at the Top of the Test Championship Ladder! Let's face it, the Kiwi's are going to get better now they are going to be able to pick a genuine batsmen and not some T20 slogger! Brendan McCullum is not better cricketer than Aaron Finch!